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THE LAW IS A ASS for 09/14/1999
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 10
Originally published in The Comics Buyer's Guide # 523
December 9, 1983 issue
This is the column wherein my lawyer instincts came to the forefront and I publically admitted that I was absolutely shameless.
How else could you describe a man who asks his readers to supply columns fodder for him for absolutely no pay, no remuneration, no money even? What other term but shameless (or thief) could you use for a man who publicly affirmed that not only would he solicit ideas from his readers and not pay them anything, but was going to keep all the money he was paid for the columns that other people were suggesting? What can you say a woman who loved Bach and the Beetles and me, although not necessarily in that order?
Oops, sorry about that, I let those shameless, thieving tendencies get the best of me.
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 10
by
Bob Ingersoll
This time it's a little bit of this and a little bit of that.
The first order of business: how would you like to be a big-time newspaper writer, to see your words in print? If so, contact Don & Maggie about a column of your own, because I can't print your stuff. But if you'd only like to see your name in print. then contact me with an idea for this column.
Remember last week's column? (Last week's that is, assuming these things run in the order I write them. If not then look at next week's column or next years or the third one after one I haven't even written yet.) Anyway, in last week's column (or next week's or... Oh don't get me started), I gave credit where credit was due, namely to the person who origianlly brought the subject matter of the column to my attention. And we're not talking just any credit, we're talking credit in print. His name in lights and everything. (Of if not lights, at least in messy, rub-off-on-your-hands newsprint.) Well, you too can have the same fleeting moment of fame, your fifteen minutes; which should give you about seven more that I'm getting.
Let me explain. There are a lot of comics published. I know, I read lots of comics each week and can't come close to reading everything that's out there. So, while I do read lots of stuff and catch lots of legal mistakes in what I do read, I also miss lots of stuff, including all the legal mistakes that occur in the stuff I miss. In addition, I also have to look at back issues for ideas, and I don't remember most of them anymore. I'm 31 now guys [that is, 31 back then, make it 46 now] My brain cells are dying faster than DC, Marvel, Pacific and Eclipse can issue late shipping notices. So here's where you can help me. If you see something in a comic that you think might be appropriate for this column, of if you remember something from some long dusty back issue that would be equally appropriate, send me your suggestion in care of the Comics Buyer's Guide or at my World Famous Comics e-mail address. If you give me the idea and I use it, I'l1 give you credit in print for the suggestion.
Some ground rules. I try not to deal with alien legal systems. You know like the metaphysical justice of the M'ndavian in Fantastic Four # 262. Or the arbitrary, but dictatorial, rules of the Guardians of the Universe which say Hal Jordan can't service his space sector from his home planet, but Katma Tui, Tomar Re, and whose ever had his, her or its own story in the Tales of the Green Lantern Corps series can. Or even the hypocritical, but even more dictatorial, rules of Odin, "Thor, once again thou hast failed to show unswerving subserviance to the High Father, Odin, who is perfection personified. Thou art lacking in humility. Thou must needs be punished for being more haughty then even myself. Thou art banished to Midgard forever more. Again." Jeez:, why doesn't someone mutiny against the guy during one of his endless Odin sleeps? (While I'm on the subject of Thor, one note to Waiter Simonson, thanks for getting rid of the Shakespearian speech patterns. That stuff is even harder to read than it is to write.)
It's like this, people, alien legal systems are, well, alien, They don't necessarily have any basis of comparison to our world, so how can I say their portrayal was either accurate or inaccurate? Well, I can say it, but how can I be sure I'm being accurate, when I say they aren't accurate?
For basically the same reason I'11 tend to shy away from the law as portrayed in Legion of Super Heroes and other books taking place in the future. I can't say how much the law might have changed by the thirtieth century. (If they show Bouncing Boy being arrested far eating a peanut butter and jelly bean sandwich with cream cheese and anchovies on pumpernickel in public, how do I know that they didn't pass a law in 2564 outlawing the: public consumption of really disgusting food. Of course if they did, then McDonalds went Chapter 7 in 2565 and we'd all be looking for that downside.
Ditto books of the ancient past. You know, like Conan, Arion, and Captain America (he spends so much time whining about WWII and fighting ex-Nazis, the book reads like a history text). As near as I can tell from recent issues of Conan, the only law in the Hyborian Age was: if it moves kill it, if it's female degrade it.
One last ground rule. My friend and fellow CBG columnist, Tony Isabella, has a good rule regarding suggestions for his column. He'll give all the credit for the suggestion, but he keeps all the money, I think I'11 adopt the policy too. You won't attain wealth by submitting a suggestion to my column, but you will see your name in print, And isn't that wealth enough? (Hey, I'm doing you a service, what do you want me to do push you into a higher tax bracket?)
******
Now on to the business of this column.
Regarding The Falcon limited series; does anyone really believe that an ordinary street gang could really get close enough to the President to kidnap him? Does anyone really believe that the same street gang would be able to hold the President captive for a matter of hours or however long The Legion held onto Reagan in Falcon #'s 3 and 4 without suffering full scale retaliation? Does anyone buy that after being kidnaped a President, especially a Reagan Republican, like Reagan, would sit and rap with his captors about the conditions of the slums, other than to say that he'd fix those conditions by leveling the slums with the captors still in them? And does anyone really believe the kidnappers would be allowed to walk free, as the Legion apparently did in Falcon #4, instead of being arrested, prosecuted, convicted, and put away for so long that the next time they saw the light of day Colossal Boy's mother would be President?
If so, we have to meet. I have this bridge and some prime Florida real estate I'd love to show you.
******
The most recent issues of Daredevil and Blue Ribbon Comics raised some interesting legal questions. Daredevil 203 asked the non-musical question: if you hate your client so much that you're likely to lose your objectivity and subconsciously fumble the case so as to get revenge on the guy, should you keep the case? In the issue Matt Murdock was asked to represent Stymie, one of the bullies who used to beat him up as a child.) The book honestly raised the question and, thankfully, answered the question in a realistic manner: no, you shouldn't keep the case. Legal ethics forbid representing a client, if you can't give him your fullest efforts. I was glad to see Matt answering the question honestly instead of deciding he would keep the case just to prove he was above that sort of thing.
I, in fact, liked the legal aspect of the book so much I'm almost tempted not to mention my three complaints about the book. Almost.
First there is the villain, The Trump. An ex-stage magician turned criminal who used stage magic to confuse his opponents? This is a super-villain? Well, actually it is, several, in fact. The Trump is nothing more than a second-rate Jester, who was, in turn, a third- rate Joker.
Second we have Matt's comment on Page 22, Panel 1, "I'm turning your case over to a public defenderAisomeone who can be objective about you." I'm afraid you can't do that, Matt. If Stymie had enough money that he could hire Nelson & Murdock, the public defenders wouldn't be able to represent him. Public Defenders can only take cases of people who can't afford to hire their own attorneys. Even if Stymie's had backers who were paying for Matt and they pulled out their financial support, Matt couldn't turn the case over to the PD, a judge has to assign the Public Defender Office. Third and worst of all is Foggy's statement on Page 5, Panel 2 , "You have an open-and-shut case. A starting public defender could make as much with it as I can." As a former starting public defender, I resent that.
Blue Ribbon Comics #4 asks another legal ethics question: if your client confesses his guilt to you after he is acquitted then admits he is going to commit the same crime again, what is your legal duty? In Tom (The Fly) Troy's case his client, a mayoral candidate on trial for fixing the primary, was found not guilty. He then admitted to Troy that not only was he guilty, he was also was going to buy the election. Then the guy's got moxie enough to offer Troy a position as campaign manager. Troy declines the offer but stays on retainer to the candidate, because he doesn't feel he can do anything else ethically. (He can't "blow the whistle" on the candidate without violating the attorney-client privilege, and he doesn't feel he has the right to refuse to represent the man, because it's not his job "to decide who's guilty and who isn't.") As a result Tom Troy continues to work for the candidate as his attorney, while he collects the evidence sufficient to convict him as the Fly; boy, talk about your conflict-of-interests.
Troy could have saved himself a great deal of anguish if he had simply taken a legal ethics class. While the attorney-client privilege does prevent an attorney from telling anyone what his client tells him, it does so with some exceptions. One such exceptions happens when the client admits to the attorney that he is going to commit a crime in the future, and the attorney has reasonable grounds to believe this is true. In this case, the attorney may violate the privilege and reveal what his client told him so as to prevent the future crime. (Note I said may, not must. The attorney doesn't have to report the future crime, if he doesn't want to, but he can. So Tom Troy could have blown the whistle on the candidate, if he had wanted to do so.
Moreover legal ethics do not command that an attorney keep a client, he doesn't like (see my comments on Daredevil # 203, so Tom could have dumped the Mayor anytime he wanted without fear of being judged for judging his client. The Constitution guarantees everyone the right to an attorney. It does not guarantee anyone the right to a specific attorney. So, Tom, if you've got a client you don't like, because you know he's buying an election and you don't want to help, drop him. You can't represent him effectively, if your heart's not in it and legal ethics don't demand representation, they demand effective representation.
One more point about this story. Cotton, the mayoral candidate, was acquitted, because the key prosecution witness failed to testify, small wonder Cotton had the witness killed. Still, if Cotton's methods for fixing the primary were as subtle as his methods for fixing the election, he should have been convicted anyway. On Page 15 Cotton tries to fix the mayoral election by having a goon physically threaten a voter who doesn't intend to vote for Cotton. That's bad enough, but what's worse is the goon's doing this right outside the polling booths. No one who's that obvious can be acquitted; unless, of course, he has a Heisman.
******
Does anyone know where I can research the law on diplomatic immunity? That law gets bandied about in comics a lot, and I'm not sure how accurately is the bandy. I know the ambassador enjoys the immunity, even if the ambassador is Dr. Doom. I agree the ambassador's son has immunity (Vigilante # 2). But the ambassador's cousin? (Dr. Strange # 63)? I think we need a definitive answer to this question, before somebody decides the embassy gardner has immunity.
BOB INGERSOLL
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