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THE LAW IS A ASS for 10/26/1999
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 16
Originally published in The Comics Buyer's Guide # 535
February 17, 1984 issue
Not to be picky about it, but every lawyer can tell you there's great advantage to be had picking nits. A nit picker could, for example, tell you that this was the thirteenth installment of "The Law is a Ass," that I wrote for Comics Buyer's Guide. Hell, let's be frank, if Nitty was good enough for Capone who are we to quibble? No, nits are good enough for lawyers to pick. And that especially includes lawyers who have to keep on coming up with column material week after week. We would be no place without some nits to pick.
So, stick around as I pick a few nits and, at the same time, show my nit wit.
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 16
by
Bob Ingersoll
Vigilante # 5 has come out.
Guess what that means.
Actually, you're wrong. This isn't going to be my typical, "I hate The Vigilante" column. It's going to be an atypical, "I hate The Vigilante" column. I didn't hate Vigilante # 5. Unfortunately it did have several points that irritated me because they were signs of sloppiness, problems that could have been avoided, if only a little more care had gone into the book.
In other words, in fact the words of Benjamin J. Grimm, "It's nit pickin' time!"
(Okay, so those aren't Ben's exact words? What are you trying to do nit pick me?)
Nit # 1, and having stolen from Ben Grimm, let's now steal from Julie Andrews and start at the very beginning. It is, after all, a very good place to start. And in a comic book, the very beginning is page 1. Here Vigilante tells us in a first person caption that he spotted the assassin, Sabre, while on a "routine patrol." Now, as we all know, Vigilante's self-proclaimed modus operandi is to go after the criminals the law cannot touch, the proven guilty who get off on technicalities. That being the case, why would Vigilante bother with a routine patrol? How does one see a technicality being exploited while on routine patrol? (I can just picture it, stalwart Adrian Chase looks out his window, turns to his Japanese cum Philippino cum Japanese houseboy, and says, "Aha, Kato, the Commissioner has activated the Technicality Signal. A guilty felon is escaping justice on a technicality. To the Vigvagon!")
The point is, Vigilante could have said he saw Sabre while walking down the street. The result would have been the same, but the glaring anomaly of a technicality patrol would have been avoided.
Nit # 2, still on page 1 and I quote, "I had spotted [Sabre] from several blocks away while on routine patrol and then watched him as he fit together his rifle and waited for his target to appear. Now I had to move." "Now" he had to move? "Now!" The problem is the, "now" that Vigilante chose to wait until before acting just happened to be the moment that Sabre was taking aim at his target and squeezing the trigger. Why did Vigilante wait so long? Did he want to make sure he knew what Sabre was doing, before he acted? ("Hmm, a man with a sniper's rifle is sitting on a roof top aiming down at the street. I suppose I could stop him, But first I'd better wait, until I'm sure he's up to no good.")
Vigilante's delaying until the last possible second only gave Sabre's target enough time to come under Sabre's sniper scope. So, even though Vigilante intervened, Sabre was able to kill his victim. Had Vig acted a bit earlier, he could have stopped Sabre and saved an innocent life, as well. Not bad for a day's work. All Vig accomplished by waiting was to let Sabre escape after killing his victim. After that the sort of work day, Vig's just lucky he doesn't work for George Steinbrenner.
Recently, i.e. Vigilante #'s 4 and 5, Vigilante has: been unsuccessful in preventing several murders. In fact, the only worse track record in organized herodom belongs to John Steed and Emma Peel. They never caught the bad guys until after they had killed all their prospective victims. I guess that's why Steed and Emma were called the Avengers and not good at their job.)
Again, simple care could have prevented the problem. Had Adrian thought, "I spotted him from the street, but by the time I could get up to him, he had already assembled his rifle and was aiming at his victim," there have been no problem. Vigilante would come across as concerned and efficient instead of the costumed version of Lucy Ricardo in a candy factory
Nit # 3, and we're still on page 1--what effenciency!--Vigilante spotted Sabre "from several blocks away." How did Vigilante spot Sabre? I'll tell you how, because Sabre is wearing a gaudy, bright green costume, that's how. Sabre is a costumed hit man.
Why would anybody ever become a costumed hit man? You might as well become an obese personal trainer, because you'll get the same amount of business. A hit man works by being unobtrusive. He wears ordinary clothes, goes to wherever he's making the hit unnoticed, kills his victim, then leaves unnoticed; with an emphasis on the "unnoticed" part. The stock in trade of a hit man is to come, go and remain incognito. Incognito, you see, produces two distinct benefits for the hit man. First, it keeps people from noticing him, so no one stops him. Second it keeps people from noticing him, so no one identifies him.
Costumed hit men, on the other hand, are noticed blocks away, are stopped, arrested, and easily identified. "Yes, that's the man, Officer. I could see that purple costume a block away, even though he was standing in the all-concealing shadows."
Nit # 4, Vigilante fights not one but two costumed hit men (You didn't think I'd forget Cannon, did you?) No, this is not simply Nit # 3 multiplied by two. You're off by an exponential or two. Vigilante fought Sabre and Cannon in issue # 5. He fought the Exterminator in # 4. He fought Brand in # 1. They were all costumed hit men. That's four costumed hit men in only five issues. (And if you count Scorcher, Spear, Bazooka, Slasher, Tanker, and Cheshire from Teen Titans Annual # 2, it's ten costumed hit men in six issues.) Does anyone see a trend here? And is there any way to stop it, before it becomes repetitive?
Nit # 5, the hit man who kills with a gun is called Sabre. The hit man who kills with a knife is called Cannon. Cute. What can we expect next issue, a laser beam wielding killer named Quarrel, and a crossbow killer named Reagan? Incidently, that's a phonetic joke, not a political one.
Nit # 6, Captain Hall tells Vigilante he's wanted for the murders of Quilt and Brand. Quilt and Brand? That's all? In the aforementioned Teen Titans Annual # 2 Vigilante kills Slasher on Page 28, Scorcher on page 30, an unnamed and uncostumed hit man--Uncostumed? How'd he sneak in?--on page 11, and Anthony Scarpelli on page 41. Why isn't Vigilante wanted for their murders?
Don't tell me that no one saw Vigilante kill any of those people in Teen Titans Annual # 2, and that's why he's not wanted. No one saw him kill Quilt either. For Hall to know about Vigilante's involvement in Quilt's death, he must have been omniscient. But if he's omniscient enough to know about Quilt, he's also omniscient to know about Slasher, Scorcher, unnamed, and Scarpelli. Omniscience I can accept. Selective omniscience I can't. (Incidently I want to thank Bruce Mai for his letter in CBG # 530, which reminded me about all that mayhem in Teen Titans Annual # 2, I had forgotten it.)
Nit # 7, Vigilante's only wanted for the murder of Quilt and Brand? What about the forty-two attempted murders, one felonious assault, and two aggravated assaults in issue # 3. Even if he isn't omniscient, Captain Hall must have known about that little escapade, because Cyborg would have told him about it. So why doesn't Hall want Vigilante for these crimes too? Does the Statute of Limitations in the DC Universe only last two issues or something? (By they way, I hope you read the last two nits carefully. I managed to sneak the law in them.)
Nit # 8, and I quote, "I tell you, I've used my gun only twice... in self-defense. I don't believe in killing." (Vigilante to Captain Hall page 4, panel 4.) Hey, Vig what about Slasher? What about Scarpelli? What about unnamed? True they were about to kill people, when Vigilante aced them; their homicides may have been self-defense too. But Vigilante still used his gun on them. (Scorcher was killed with a nunchuk, so Vig's got me on a technicality there.) And what about the forty-four attempted murders and one felonious assault on Cyborg and Stryker? Vigilante pumped enough bullets at those two to keep Remington stock at an all-time high. Is this just selective amnesia, or don't the attacks on Cyborg and Stryker count as times that Vigilante used his gun, because he didn't get to kill them?
Nit # 9, (a minor nit this, but what the hell, it's my column and my nits no matter if they're gnat nits.) The bedroom scene. No, sex doesn't offend me, I rather like it. Sophomoric sex, however, does bother me. No, this isn't some plea for people to wait until they're seniors before hopping in the sack. It has to do with the issue's pillow talk. "C'mon, It won't hurt. Girl Scout's honor." Give me a break!
Nit # 10, Cannon throws a knife at Vigilante's back on page 17, panel 5. What does Vigilante do in response? Well, on page 17, panel 6 he doesn't duck. Instead, he turns toward the knife, so that on page 18, panel 1 it hits him square in the chest at heart level. These are the acts of a man trained in survival by person or persons unknown. (We'll find out who in Vigilante # 6?) Bloom County's Steve Dallas was a better survivalist than that!
Nit # 11, when did Vigilante trade in his .357 Magnum for a pearl-handled, monogrammed .45 automatic? And why would a man wanted for two murders, and who should be wanted for at least forty-four attempted murders and one felonious assault, choose General Patton's weapon? It's the perfect weapon for a man who is hiding. On page 21, panel 3 Captain Hall knew Vigilante was around just from finding the gun.
Nit # 12, the letters page, specifically the letters from Dan Schofield and Donald Shelton. Both mentioned the vow that Vigilante made in issue # 1."And since I once swore I'd let myself be killed before fighting a policeman in the line of his duty--I simply had to make certain I avoided capture." It's there all right in issue # 1, page 10, panels 5 and 6, I has just forgotten that vow.
So, apparently, has Vigilante. If he hasn't, if he still intends to be killed rather than fight a police officer performing his duty, then Vig has no choice but to commit suicide, Remember issue # 3? Remember the--all together now--forty-four attempted murders, one felonious assault, and two aggravated assaults on Cyborg and Stryker? Well, at the time Cyborg was a duly deputized officer of the law performing his duty by transporting Stryker to Attica. I don't think it's presumptuous to conclude from the fact that Vigilante shot Cyborg in the shoulder that Vigilante fought Cyborg, a police officer, while Cyborg was performing his duty. So where's that death vow, now that we need it?
I've run out of nits, I do, however, want to explain why I took the time to rake Vigilante # 5 over the coals for such minor points, this is The Comics Buyer's Guide, after all, not Hobgoblin's Little-Minded Journal of Foolish Consistencies. I have noticed an increasing amount of sloppiness in recent comics. Copy which may sound good, but which if thought about for a minute would be discarded as illogical. Copy which ignores past issues. Situations which repeat themselves. Situations which violate what has been established in the past. Sloppiness of this sort produces nagging problems, such as those from Vigilante #5, which I enumerated.
I didn't have to pick on Vigilante. I could have picked any number of recent comics. Take the recent six part epic in The New Mutants about the lost Roman civilization somewhere in Brazil at the headwaters of the Amazon River. That was an epic that was over one hundred twenty pages long, You'd think that somewhere in the one hundred twenty pages someone could have used one page or one panel or even one word balloon to explain exactly how a Roman city managed to become so lost that it crossed the Atlantic Ocean and settled somewhere in Brazil at the headwaters of the Amazon River. And something better than, well they were really lost. (I know, they were hiding from a certain Gaulish village.)
And since we're on the subject of sloppiness and The New Mutants, has anyone ever told us how people get rid of Magma's volcanoes? She makes these things in city streets, in busy ports, in living rooms, then leaves them there. Don't you think someone should have told us, what happens to them later? I mean do they go away by themselves or do they become tourist attractions?
So why did I choose Vigilante # 5 for my nit picking column instead of The New Mutants or some other book. Simple, I just read Vigilante # 5, so it was fresh in my mind. Besides, I like picking on Vigilante. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it, so why not someone who likes doing it?
BOB INGERSOLL
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