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THE LAW IS A ASS for 04/18/2000
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 40
Originally written as installment # 275 and published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 1354, October 27, 1999 issue
Check your calendar.
I know what you're doing and you know what I'm doing.
Taxes.
That's why today's column is more recent; only from last year. It's one of those emergency columns--one that doesn't require scanning, editing and reformatting--that I throw in, when I don't have a lot of time.
Like, when I'm doing taxes.
Hey, lawyers need brains. Can I deduct fish--noted brain food--as a business expense?
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 40
by
Bob Ingersoll
If there's one thing criminal defense attorneys tell our clients it's, "Don't get caught." Right after that, however, we advise that no matter whodunit--and especially if youdunit--don't, whatever you do, don't come down with the Guilts.
Look at what the Guilts did to Raskolnikov in Crime and Punishment. To Whatshisname in "The Tell-Tale Heart." Or to Superman in Superman & Batman: Generations # 3.
Generations was an Elseworlds mini-series chronicling the exploits of Superman, Batman and their families from 1939--when they fought the Ultra-Humanite and Lex Luthor at the New York World's Fair--until the present. In this Elseworld, Luthor kept tabs on Superman's family by posing as the Kent family physician, Dr. Holurt. (Dr. Holurt? They fell for that? Jeez don't Superman or Lois ever read comics?) Anyway, Luthor targets Joel Kent--the son of Lois and Clark Kent born without powers, because Lois was exposed to Gold Kryptonite while pregnant--and Kara Kent, the daughter who did get powers. Luthor uses Joel's jealousy to turn him against his sister, gives Joel a super-power serum and sics him on his sister. Already long story short; Joel kills Kara, then dies as a side-effect of the serum. Superman watches his children die. Luthor escapes.
Over the next ten years, Luthor orchestrates the murders of Jimmy Olsen; Lucy Lane Olsen; Jimmy and Lucy's son, Clark; his family and Perry White, Jr. In fact, Luthor murders over a dozen of Superman's friends. When Superman tracks Luthor down in 1989, Luthor admits he was behind all these deaths to Superman. No, he didn't have the Guilts. He was gloating long enough to keep Superman occupied while his Gold Kryptonite cufflinks robbed Superman of his powers. (Yes, Gold K. In this Elseworld, there's still one type of Kryptonite for every color of the rainbow, and probably a few bands of the infra-red spectrum.)
Luthor puts Superman in a force field and reveals that he is, in reality, the Ultra-Humanite, who was dying as a result their first encounter back in 1939, so transferred his brain to the body of one of his henchmen, Lex Luthor. Now the Luthor-Humanite plans to transplant his brain from his seventy-year-old body into Superman's body, then restore Superman's powers to said body.
As Superman is trapped in a force field, his only recourse is to take a piece of broken metal lying at his feet and hurl it at Luthor. Superman hoped to pin Luthor to the machine, until he could find a way out. Unfortunately, the spear made contact with electrical wires and killed Luthor instantly.
But Luthor had planned even for his death. His lair had video cameras which recorded the whole encounter then erased everything but his death and transmitted the tape throughout the world. Faced with this evidence of murder, the world court had no recourse but to prosecute Superman. Moreover, as Superman felt guilty about having killed Luthor, he ignores the fact that the World Court was willing to find he acted in self-defense. He says he hated Luthor and can't be sure it wasn't his hatred that guided his hand, not the desire to defend himself. So Superman pleads guilty and is sentenced to the Phantom Zone for ten years--conveniently allowing him to appear just in time for the next chapter of Generations.
And that's why I tell you, if you do the crime, don't get a case of the Guilts. You end up doing really stupid things, like pleading guilty to crimes for which you couldn't be convicted.
Not convicted? With that tape, Superman couldn't have been convicted.
Nope. In the first place, it was self-defense. It doesn't matter that Superman hated Luthor and may have wanted to kill him. Luthor was about to inflict serious bodily harm on Superman, by taking his super powers away from him then removing his brain. So, Superman was justified in using deadly force in response, irrespective of how much he disliked Luthor.
Look at it this way, say you have a mortal enemy--and the first one of you who actually says, "You have a mortal enemy," will get such a shot! Say you really hate your mortal enemy and want him dead. (Same warning) If your mortal enemy is about to shoot you, could you shoot him first in self-defense, even though you hated him and wanted him dead?
Yes. You shoot your enemy and thank him for giving you the opportunity to kill him in a justifiable homicide. Personal enmity does not disqualify you from acting in self-defense. It may make it harder for you to convince the jury, but it doesn't disqualify you from acting in self-defense.
Then there's that other little problem with the case against Superman, namely that there wasn't one. The sole evidence against Superman was the tape recording made by Luthor. Well, guess what, it wouldn't have been admissible?
Tape recordings cannot be admitted as evidence until they are first authenticated. Someone must be able to testify that the tape recording is authentic and really does depict what it purports to depict; in other words, that it wasn't tampered with and wasn't staged. After all, for all anyone could tell from the tape, Luthor could have hired an actor to play Superman and kill him on tape to frame him.
Only one person could have authenticated that tape--Luthor was dead, remember, he doesn't count--Superman. But the prosecution couldn't call Superman as a witness against himself. So, if he hadn't felt guilty and kept his super-ventriloquist mouth shut, Supes would have been in the clear. With no one to authenticate the tape, it wouldn't have been admissible and the prosecution couldn't have made its case.
So there you have it, the professional advice of a lawyer, if you commit a crime and want to get a case of something; make it a case of Samuel Adams. Remember, it's always better to get a buzz than a bust.
BOB INGERSOLL
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