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THE LAW IS A ASS for 05/16/2000
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 44
Originally written as installment # 34 and published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 563, August 31, 1984 issue
Once again, we come across a column in which I cheated a bit. Justice League of America Annual # 2 presented me with a story that ticked me off sufficiently that I decided to find a way to stretch the concept of legal analyst enough that I could write about it. Thankfully this time, as I did with the Dr. Strange/Hulk column of two weeks ago, I kept my perspective. As a column coming along in a few weeks will show, that wasn't always the case.
Still, the column got at least one complaint. The writer of this particular story actually wrote in to the CBG to complain that I was one of those old-time, stick-in-the-mud fanboys who didn't like change, and that's why I trashed this comic.
Don't like change? How preposterous is that charge? Anyone who thinks I don't like change has obviously never seen me on my lunch hour, where I can be found at the corner of E. 4th Street and Euclid Avenue in Cleveland bumming the passersby for all the change I can get.
For the record, fiction--good fiction anyway--is about change. If the major characters in a story don't change in some way, what was the point of the story?
No, I can deal with change just fine thank you.
I just couldn't, for the reasons that will be revealed below, deal with this particular change. Because it was dumb.
Change I got no problem with. But dumb change is, well, dumb.
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 44
by
Bob Ingersoll
"Bylaw: n: a law, ordinance, or regulation made by a public or private corporation or an association or unincorporated society for the regulation of its own local or internal affairs and its dealings with others or for the government its members." Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the English: Language Unabridged (1976 ed.)
Well, that's how my dictionary defines "bylaw." And seeing as how my dictionary is thicker than the complete works of Stephen King, but only if you use the expurgated version of The Stand, why not go with it? It's not like its originator was some kind of Noah-count bum.
Okay, so maybe a bylaw isn't exactly a law as in an act of Congress. But, like a statute, a bylaw is a rule created by a body for the government of its membership. That makes a bylaw close enough for me to talk about it in this column. (And seeing as how I'm the judge for is and isn't legal vis-a-vis is it proper material for my column, that's good enough for me. I mean, who am I to argue with me?)
So why am I so concerned with the question of, is a bylaw proper column material? Simple, now that it is, I get to talk about Justice League of America Annual # 2. (Hey, I suffered through it, but, at least, by writing about it, I get paid for having read it. It helps ease the pain.)
I figure by now everyone out there has read JLA Annual # 2, except for all of you who were smarter than me and avoided this particular comic like the poesy-pocketing plague. But that's no excuse. Why should I have to suffer alone? So if you haven't read it, go read it! I'll stop writing long enough for you to read it, so you'll know what I'm talking about.
#
Finished? Good. This is the biggie we heard about months ago and have been waiting breathlessly for ever since; the issue where the old JLA disbands and is replaced by the new, remodeled, vibrant X-Men--excuse me--JLA.
Hey, it was a natural mistake. We've got Vixen, Steel, Vibe and Gypsy, a multi-national assemblage who are, respectively, an African, an American, a Puerto Rican, and a gypsy and who range in age from the mid-twenties down to fourteen. Some of them even have mutant powers. So much for new, remodeled, and vibrant. Anyone want to try for old, recycled, and repetitive? New Coke was better received than these super-powered palookas are going to be.
Now exactly how did it come to pass that the old JLA disbanded? Well, this is where those bylaws come into play. It seems that under its charter, Aquaman had the authority to disband the League, which he decided to do after a particularly uninspiring performance during the Earth-Mars war which had been running through the regular JLA title for the past several months. So he did.
Well, that answers that question. Too bad it brings up a completely different question. Such as, when did Aquaman get the power to disband the JLA unilaterally, even though no one else on the team wanted to disband?
Aquaman, himself, provides the answer to this question, although his answer, not surprisingly, brings up even more questions. As Aquaman explained, as "one of the seven original members of the League" and "the only one here" at the meeting Aquaman called, he has the authority to disband the League.
As I said, the explanation brought up a few more questions. First was when did Aquaman go blind? Aquaman claimed he was the only original member to be present But the story clearly established that J'onn J'onzz, the Martin Manhunter, was present. Long time readers like myself will remember that J'onn was right there on the cover of Brave and the Bold # 28 fighting Starro the Conqueror so was one of the original seven members of the Justice League. Newer readers will simply have to take my word for it. But you can trust me. I don't have any reason to lie to you. It's not like I'm a politician or anything. J'onn was present but somehow Aquaman missed seeing him. Maybe all that salt water pickled his eyeballs.
Which brings up the second question, why wasn't J'onn, as one of the original members, given a say in the disbanding of the JLA matter? I don't know. The story didn't explain that one. It's a hole left unfilled. Perhaps the answer is because up until Page 10, when he reactivated his membership, J'onn was only an honorary member on voluntary leave of absence, so wasn't entitled to vote. That's a good explanation, one the story could have used, if it had bothered to think of the problem. Unfortunately, this story was to thought as crepe paper is to French cooking.
Okay, let's assume Aquaman was the only original member with voting privileges present and that he voted to disband. As explanations go, it was right in line with the rest of this issue. Yes, it only gave us another question: where did Aquaman get the authority to disband the League alone? I know where he thought he got the power, but that doesn't work. It wasn't from the JLA charter. I've read the charter and that's now how it provides for disbanding the League.
Back in the mid-seventies DC published a house fanzine called Amazing World of DC Comics, or AWODCC, as it was known to its friends. Issue 14 of AWODCC was the "All About the Justice League of America Issue" Among other important information about the League, it included excerpts from... you guessed, it the JLA Charter.
The charter reads, and I quote, "The Justice League organization may be disbanded by a unanimous vote of all active members." Two words from said charter spring out and grab me, "unanimous" and "all." As a trained lawyer, my keenly-honed mind immediately perceived the significance and proper interpretation of those legal terms, an interpretation, which might have escaped the layman. The charter provision means that all of the active members of the JLA get a vote, irrespective of whether they were original members, and they all have to vote to disband. It also means that one original member, say Aquaman, could not, by himself, vote to disband the League over the objection of any active member. Seeing as how Firestorm, and presumably several others of the active membership--like all of them--was opposed to disbanding, the vote to disband couldn't have gone as it did. It violated the charter.
What does that mean? It means that JLA Annual # 2 never really happened. The League didn't really disband. Good! Now maybe we can dump those new rejects from the Teenage Mutant Ninja casting couch and get on with new stories about the real JLA. Even bad stories about the old JLA would better than bad stories about these preposterous pretenders.
What? You say JLA Annual # 2 really did happen? It couldn't happened, The JLA charter specifically forbids it unilateral disbanding of the League. The only way that it could have happened, is if the charter was amended to provide that any of the original members could unilaterally disband the League over the objections of the active membership.
Can the charter be amended? Yes. The charter found in AWODCC # 14 states, "All amendments to the charter and bylaws shall be put in effect by a 2/3 vote of total active membership." That means that 2/3 of the active members had to vote to amend the charter so as to allow any one of the original members to disband the League even over the objection of the remaining members. I doubt that any active member would have voted for such an amendment. That would be like 2/3 of the fifty states voting to amend the Constitution so that Vermont could disband the United States. It's an illogical provision which would never exist, because it ignores basic human nature. "Hey, you've got this real sweet gig going here which you would probably never choose to end, but we want you to vote to allow just one person to queer it, even if you don't want that." Or so goes the request and we're expected to believe that the second-string heroes in the JLA, who have no books of their own and nothing else on their plate, would willing vote allow someone else to end their gig and send them to that "Super-Hero Only" line in the unemployment office.
"So other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?" I didn't. I thought JLA Annual # 2 was incredibly stupid! Let's move onto Aquaman's rationale for disbanding the JLA: that it was underpowered during the Earth/Mars war, because many of its most powerful members were not fully committed to the League and not always available. So, because the big guns weren't always around the entire concept of the JLA should be scrapped. What kind of nonsense is this? Superman isn't available, so we shouldn't even let Firestorm, Zatanna, Elongated Man and the rest even try to save the day? We should just let the bad guys run roughshod over the world? Okay, maybe trying to do Sanford and Son without either Sanford or Son wasn't such a good idea, but that doesn't mean shouldn't even be tried.
Fortunately, or so it seemed for a brief moment, cooler heads prevailed. J'onn J'onzz decided that rather than disband the League, they should recruit new members who would be full-time members. In that way the power levels would always be at full-strength. So the League recruited new full-time and committed members, to guarantee that it will never be underpowered again. I suppose that justification might have work, but for the four members it recruited.
Let's take them one by one. Vibe: He can create vibratory patterns that knock people down. Whoopee! The Flash could knock down more people right after he stumbled out of bed and wasn't up to full speed yet. But, let's give Vibe the benefit of the doubt and pretend he can also knock down a building with his power (He can't) Is t more powerful that Red Tornado's tornado force winds, or Superman's super breath? Or Green Lantern's ring Or ... Have I made my point? Moreover, Vibe's untrained, so his effectiveness is suspect. But he had a code name, and he tied into the latest craze--breakdancing--proving the JLA was hip, so they let him in.
Gypsy: She blends into the background, so can't be seen. One of J'onn J'onzz's lesser abilities is his invisibility. Flash and Superman can go unseen when they're vibrating or running at top speed. So anything she can do, they can do better. Atom can make himself too small to be seen. Green Lantern can become invisible, too. Hell, even Wonder Woman's airplane can do this trick
Steel: He's strong, resiliant and can see in the dark, but I'll bet Superman could take him and his vaunted resiliency out with one punch. Green Lantern can duplicate all his powers, too. I'll wager Wonder Woman is stronger than Steel, so all she has to do is eat more carrots and she's got him beat on all levels.
Vixen: she has a ju-ju totem that gives her the powers of the animals. She's the only new member whose powers might be useful. It depends on what animals her ju-ju totem gives her. Still, cheetahs ain't faster than the Flash, elephants ain't stronger that Superman and whales may be able to talk to other whales they can't do squat if you need the cooperation of Topo the octopus. Vixen couldn't best the real JLA on their worst days.
In other words, the new JLA traded pure raw power for commitment. Now it has a core of committed members, who couldn't punch their way out of a wet, acid-free long box. A great way to solve the problem of being underpowered.
Next we have the recruitment techniques. Vixen came up and said, "I have powers, take me." They did. Steel swaggered in and said, "I have powers and a HQ take me." They did. (Okay, the JLA needed a new headquarters, but couldn't they have tried negotiating a lease on the HQ without having to take Steel's lame ass in as a member? ) Vibe breakdanced in and said, "I got powers, chu take me." They do. (Yes, that's the way Vibe would say it. Move over Andre of the Blackhawks, you've just been supplanted as the worst fake accent in comic books.) Finally, Gypsy broke in to steal from the JLA. She didn't say anything, except to tell a lie about her background. I'll give the JLA, they didn't take her in with open arms, they're thinking about it. Don't worry, they will. Hell those Army recruitment posters may say, "I want you," but at least the Army has the 4-F classification. The JLA seems to have put up a poster of a pointing J'onn J'onzz that says, "I'll take you." It's a good thing for us that famous ear-wiggler Willie Lumpkin isn't the JLA's mailman, otherwise he'd have been inducted into the League, too.
Okay, so maybe I'm being hard on the new kids. I haven't seen then in action, yet. Maybe they'll grow on me, and I'll like them later.
Maybe. But I doubt it. They may grow on me, but so does poison ivy rash.
BOB INGERSOLL
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