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THE LAW IS A ASS for 02/06/2001
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 81
Originally written as installment # 70 and published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 637, January 31, 1985 issue
Can I change my mind?
About the whole "New Superman" thing, that is and how I was looking forward to it. In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have looked forward to the New Superman quite so much. One of those, "it seemed like a good idea at the time, but now I'm not so sure," things. Kind of like "New Coke."
No, wait, New Coke was never a good idea. But here's the problem. The New Superman showed DC that it could successfully retrofit the continuity of a character and give him new continuity mid-stream--or retcon him, as it's called now. The idea of retconning Superman wasn't per se bad. Not if it could have stayed with Superman. It didn't. The New Superman came on the heels of Crisis on Infinite Earths, when most of the DC Universe continuity had been retrofitted. And, because the New Superman was a success, DC decided it could--so should--retrofit all of its heroes. Which it proceeded to do.
Piecemeal.
So piecemeal, in fact that now, they're retrofitting the Superman retrofit and re-instating Old Krypton into the New Superman continuity.
Piecemeal retconning.
That is, most definitely a bad idea. Let's face it, if we had never gotten the New Superman, we would never have gotten the mess that has become Hawkman continuity. And for that we'll always have to blame Superman.
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 81
by
Bob Ingersoll
We stand on the threshold of a new era, Ladies and Gentlemen. The Superman we knew and loved--well, recent sales figures might discredit that loved part--is to be no more. A new revitalized and streamlined Superman is to be introduced to us next summer courtesy of John Byrne.
Now don't get me wrong. I look forward to the new Superman. Superman is a character, who for the last several years, I have read more out of loyalty than enjoyment. I think what John has planned for the character will be good. Still, the passing of the old Superman will be the end of an era of sorts. So I thought I'd pay a tribute of sorts to the old with a column about a couple of great moments in the law from the old Weisinger edited Superman of the 60's.
******
First up, we have an oldie about which I had completely forgotten, until Randy Freeman of Riverside, California reminded me, "The Day Superman Broke the Law!" from Superman # 153, the May 1962 issue. It's really quite a kick looking at these old Superman comics, which I first read, when I was under the age of ten. This book has one story each in the very distinctive styles of Al Plastino, Curt Swan, and John Forte. I know when I first read it, I didn't see the differences in art style and thought the same man had drawn all three stories. But enough sentimental goo! There's legal stuff to pick apart.
Superman goes to the small town of Littledale (no doubt a first cousin to Smallville), because his Emergency Monitor had warned him of impending danger to the town. The story never answered the logical questions, what is an Emergency Monitor, how does it predict upcoming Emergencies, and why had we never seen it before or ever seen it since? Anyway, Superman goes to Littledale, where his presence in town is not appreciated by Councilman Finch, who is a criminal and is planning a big job. He wants Superman out of the way, so he spends most of the story arranging for Superman to break the law, so that he will be thrown in jail.
First, Finch arranges for an elephant to escape from a circus. When the animal is about to trample a little girl, Superman flies at super speed to save her. In so doing, he causes a sonic boom in a hospital zone, so Finch demands Superman's arrest. Sheriff Todd points out that Superman broke the law while saving a life, but Finch insists that doesn't matter and has Superman arrested to stand trial. Finch is wrong, of course. The Doctrine of Emergency, a civil law doctrine excusing someone from civil liability, when he acts negligently in response to a sudden emergency, has also been adopted by most civilized jurisdictions in the criminal law arena. The Doctrine of Emergency says that it is permissible to break a law, especially some minor misdemeanor like excessive noise in a hospital zone, when acting to save a life. Think about it, if the Doctrine didn't exist in the criminal arena, then every ambulance driver who ever rushed a heart attack victim to a hospital ER with the sirens blazing would stand to be indicted for excessive noise. Superman had a valid defense and would never be found guilty. Hell, he shouldn't even have been arrested.
Unfortunately, the judge before whom Superman is tried has never heard of the Doctrine of Emergency. He finds Superman guilty as charged.
Fortunately, the judge realizes that this is Superman's first offense and suspends his sentence. This pleases the town except for Finch and the young attorney who was just starting out in the Littledale City Prosecutor's Office and who thinks Superman was let off too lightly. The attorney's name? Adrian Chase. Finch arranges for a bridge to collapse. Superman stops the traffic from coming on it and rebuilds it. But, as the law states that only a policeman may stop traffic, Finch again demands Superman's arrest and trial. Superman goes back before the same judge, who hasn't had enough time to research the Doctrine of Emergency and finds Superman guilty, because Lordy knows we certainly don't want to keep cars from driving onto broken bridges and dropping into the drink, now do we? Apparently Littledale isn't so little after all and someone wants to do something behind the scenes of its overpopulation problem. Anyway, Superman is sentenced to five days or $50.00. Sheriff Todd pays Superman's fine for him, freeing Superman just in time to discover a fire in a crowded movie theater (which, coincidently, is playing Superman vs. the Molemen.) Superman beats out the flames with his hands and inhales the smoke, so that he can release it safely into the ventilation system. Finch has him arrested for, you guessed it, smoking in the theater. Back we go to the same judge, who definitely needs a law clerk to research these new fangled concepts like the Doctrine of Emergency. After all, it's only been around for a few centuries--not enough time for him to have found it yet. And the same judge finds Superman guilty of smoking in the theater.
Of, course, the judge also needs some instruction in rudimentary criminal law. Superman wasn't smoking. He had no cigarette or pipe or cigar. He didn't even have any tobacco. He wasn't smoking. Moreover, a no smoking ordinance is drafted, because smoking creates a nuisance and/or a health hazzard. Considering Superman was inhaling smoke already in the theater, not there because of Superman, and exhaled it to a point outside of the theater, I doubt that anyone would have considered Superman's actions smoking, either. What Superman did was not covered by the ordinance, was not what the ordinance intended to cover, and was not a hazzard. It was not illegal under the ordinance, so the judge should have found Superman not guilty.
He didn't. The judge finds Superman guilty and fines him again. The townspeople loan Superman the money to pay for his fine. One little girl gives Superman a quarter, which he keeps as a reminder of all the friends he made in Littledale. Superman writes IOU's for all the townspeople. While so doing, he inadvertently drops a piece of paper on the sidewalk. He's arrested for littering. And this time, because it's Superman's fourth offense in less than a day, the judge holds him in jail without bail for a trial by jury.
Does the term poppycock have any meaning for you, other than conjuring up images of a chicken in an opium den? If so, then you'll know that the Eighth Amendment to the Constitution guarantees that criminal defendants awaiting a trial have a right to bail, which cannot be excessive. There is some latitude here. Dangerous offenders get higher bail than non-dangerous offenders. And for really, really dangerous offenders or offenders who post a really substantial risk of flight, bail can even be denied. Now apply either of those to Superman, I dare you.
I find it hard to believe that Superman's three previous convictions for misdemeanors committed in order to save lives would classify him as a dangerous repeat offender not entitled to bail. I also find it hard to believe that bail would be set in any amount in excess of a few hundred dollars, an amount so small, that Superman could probably have paid it off with the quarter he still had in his pocket and been free. That's, of course, assuming that there would have been a need for bail in the first place. There wouldn't. Littering is a minor misdemeanor, punishable by a fine only and not a jail term. As such, Superman couldn't be held in jail awaiting trial, you can't be arrested an put in jail for a crime which doesn't have a jail sentence as a possible punishment. Sure, if he didn't show up for his trial date, he could be jailed for contempt of court, but he really couldn't be held before the trial. And that's assuming, of course, that Superman would have had to be held for a jury trial in the first place. He wouldn't. As littering is a minor misdemeanor and an offense for which jail is not possible--remember, we just discussed that, but as the judge forgot this, I wasn't taking any chances with you--there isn't a right to a jury trial or an attorney. The Supreme Court has held that the constitutional right to a trial by jury applies only to cases in which jail is a possible sentence. For minor misdemeanors, where no jail sentence is possible, there is no constitutional right to a jury trial. So, the judge didn't have to wait until he could convene a jury to try Superman, he could have tried Superman right then and there and been done with it.
But if that had happened, this silly story would have gone on forever. So let's be thankful that the judge held him without bail and the story ended within another two pages. While Superman is in jail the emergency his monitor predicted arrives. It seems that a Super-Bomb planted under the Earth's surface long ago by Saturnians is boring its way back out. Superman must stop it, before it explodes, but he can't leave his cell. How does our hero solve this dilemma?
Simple, the bomb is kind enough to bore up and break the surface right inside the jail cell. Superman grabs it and throws it into the stratosphere without breaking the law by ever leaving his cell. I guess this is what was meant by a smart bomb Now Sheriff Todd releases Superman into his custody. It seems that Finch and his men robbed the bank and are fleeing. Superman catches them within inches of the state line. If Finch and his boys can cross that, Sheriff Todd and Superman won't be able to capture them, because they'll have no jurisdiction. It should be noted, incidentally, that this state line is literally painted on the road. When was the last time any of you saw someone actually painting state lines on the ground?
Superman stops the car with Finch's henchmen, before it crosses the line, but Finch himself does cross the line. Now, as Finch hasn't committed any federal offense--according to the story, anyway--Todd can't go after him. And as Superman is in Todd's custody, he can't go after Finch either.
Why they couldn't follow Finch across the state line to keep tabs on him and call the local constabulary to arrest him isn't made clear. In fact it's never explained at all. But that's not even the biggest problem with the scenario. What is? I'm getting to that, keep reading.
Superman and Todd say they can't go after Finch, because he hasn't committed any federal offense. What about interstate flight to avoid prosecution? Wasn't that a federal offense back in 1962? (Yes.) I guess Superman and the Sheriff need to go to the same refresher course on law that the town judge has signed up for, because they need a Todd more training in the law, too.
Superman outsmarts Finch. He flips the coin that the little girl gave him into the air, and Finch, thinking Superman intends to hypnotize him, shoots it.
Aha!
A federal offense, defacing currency. (Actually, there are problems with that act being the crime of defacing currency, but let's not get into that. Otherwise, Superman will never catch Finch and this story will never end.) Superman leaps across the state line and arrests Finch. Later Superman stands trial for littering and the jury finds him guilty, "of being the greatest guy in the world!" (Must be some sort of lesser included offense to littering.) And all's well that ends well, except, of course, that our hero now has a criminal record. His finger prints are on file. His picture will grace post office walls. Oh, the shame of it all!
******
Our next story is one I did remember from my early Superman reading, "Superman's Day of Truth" from Superman # 176, the April, 1965 issue. In this story Superman spends the entire day telling the truth to everyone. I think he tells Lois that her new hat is ugly. (I don't have a copy of this story anymore, so I can't check my memory against the original--any of you out there with a copy feel free to correct me, if I'm wrong) I'm sure that he tells a lady that her children are behaving like brats. And he tells other people the absolute truth thereby making them mad at him. Hey, didn't I Love Lucy do an episode like that once? I thought so. I didn't like it then, either. Superman is doing this because the day is the Kryptonian holiday The Day of Truth. The Day of Truth is a day meant to honor the memory of Val-Lor, a courageous Kryptonian (obviously, if he weren't courageous, his name would have been Crav-En) who spoke the truth against some alien invaders and inspired his fellow Kryptonians to rebel. On the Day of Truth all Kryptonians must tell the truth at all times.
The reason that this story is in this column is that at one point Superman is testifying against a criminal in court. The criminal's lawyer, who has noticed that Superman is telling nothing but the truth today, figures out a way to keep Superman from testifying: he demands that Superman write out his secret identity on a black board or be barred from testifying. Now this was silly. Even at the tender age of twelve, I knew it was silly. First of all, the story assumes that the lawyer asked the question only because of the Day of Truth. That, in turn, assumes that the lawyer believes Superman would lie under oath, but for the Day of Truth. Hey, Superman may be a noise maker, a traffic stopper, a smoker, and a litterbug, but he ain't a perjurer! The second silliness is that Superman wouldn't have to answer the question. Even at the tender age of twelve, I had seen enough Perry Mason to realize that the question was totally irrelevant to the issues in the trial and thus improper. Superman had testified in the past stories without revealing his secret identity, so there was precedent establishing he didn't have to reveal his secret identity. The prosecution would have objected to the question, the judge would have ruled that Superman didn't have to answer it (unless he went to the same law school as Littledale's judge), and the trial would have gone on without reaching the crisis. Incidentally, for those of you who are wondering how Superman didn't reveal his secret identity; he wrote his name on the black board then erased it with super speed, before anyone had a chance to read it. What a guy!
******
Now I need a little help from you. See, I wrote this column in Littledale, and, it seems, I violated some local ordinance against verbosity. I'm being held in jail without bail, until my trial. I need you as character witnesses, who can come in and tell the court what a great guy I am, so I'll be found not guilty. Will all my friends in the industry and my loyal readers do that for me, please? I'm going to be in here for a long time, aren't I?
BOB INGERSOLL
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