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THE LAW IS A ASS for 06/19/2001
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 100
Originally written as installment # 89 and published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 675, October 24, 1986 issue
Back when I wrote this column, the company-wide cross-over was still a rare event--a once a year thing that was supposed to be reserved for a really big story. We had Contest of Champions from Marvel, not the best but they were just testing the waters. Then we had Crisis on Infinite Earths, which was, for what it was, very good. (Had we known how it was going to frell up DC continuity for all time, we might have thought differently at the time, but, as I said, cross-overs were new. We were taken up in the novelty and more forgiving. Why, we even forgave Secret Wars and said it wasn't so bad.
Now company-wide crossovers are about as rare as rocks. They became something we used to spell hologram covers, to occupy summer months, to goose sales in September and fill up those skip weeks with books that can bookend the cross-overs. They're about as compelling as street mimes. And we should have seen it coming. Why? Because, after the big two gave us Crisis and Secret Wars, what did they give us the next year? Secret Wars II and the subject of this week's column, Legends.
Like I said, we should have seen the decline of the cross-over coming and pulled a Kevorkian on them: and helped them cross over.
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 100
by
Bob Ingersoll
We can't blame John Byrne. He's only drawing the book. He isn't responsible for the plot. Beside which, John's of English/Canadian descent, he wasn't supposed to be learning United States history. The rest of the guilty parties--John Ostrander, plot; Len Wein, script; and DC in general--can't make the same claim.
I'm talking about Legends, of course, DC's latest Multiple Super Hero/Villain, Continuity Changing, Epic Mini-Series. For those who thought Crisis on Infinite Earths was ill conceived, Legends is just for you. It should send you screaming from your comfy chair faster than dealers are deep-discounting Secret Wars II.
The premise of this mini-series is that Darkseid, and the Phantom Stranger have been debating on the nature of man, with the position that man's nature has a dark side being taken, naturally, by Darkseid. So, in order to prove to the Phantom Stranger that mankind is basically base, sets out to turn Earth against its heroes. (It's been a slow season in the Realm Mystic, Readers, Phantom Stranger has nothing better to do than participate in pointless debates. What's next: "Who's stronger, the Thing or the Hulk?") Darkseid seeks to accomplish his end by sending Glorious Godfrey to Earth to preach against heroes and for the common man, so that the common man will turn against heroes.
Godfrey succeeds.
After decades of proof that the super-hero is a force for good; after countless times that the super-heroes have saved the entire planet from intelligent gorillas, over-sized starfish, and even egg-shaped, giant, oriental computers with a prehensile Fu Manchu moustache; one wimpy demagogue is able to turn man's collective mentality against all super-heroes over night. We're talking rioting in the streets, mass protests, effigy burnings, mobs beating up Robin, the Boy Wonder, and overdue library books going unreturned.
No, I didn't forget to explain why mankind was turned on the super-heroes so easily? However, since you ask, yes, there is a reason for Godfrey's immediate success. He has a superpower. I quote from Who's Who # 9, Godfrey is "An orator with incredible persuasive powers." In other words, Godfrey has that most boring of all super powers, a voice so compelling that it forces all who hear it to agree. (Why boring? The only way to portray Godfrey's power is to use word balloons, large word balloons. It's as visually exciting as a test pattern.)
There is also a reason why I quoted from Who's Who. Despite the fact that Godfrey's super persuasiveness is essential for the plot's success--indeed, I flat out refuse to believe that mankind would turn on the super-heroes without Godfrey's abilities: the story didn't tell us how Godfrey managed to do it. Yes, the same story that had Captain Marvel run through the entire pantheon of Greek gods, so that the reader could know what his powers are, forgot to have Godfrey tell us what his oh-so-vital-to-the-plot powers were.
Anyway, the situation becomes so precarious that President Reagan issues an Executive Order forbidding super-heroes from any activities, until the crisis has passed. This Executive Order is the single most ill-conceived part of the Legends plot. It deserves lots of space of its own. I'll get back to it.
Said Order causes Professor Stein to feud with Ronnie Raymond, thereby negating Firestorm's abilities, because his component parts aren't cooperating. It forces super-heroes to stop super-heroing and let the super-villains run rampant. It also prompts J'onn J'onnz to disband the JLA.
Okay, I guess Legends isn't all bad. If it does nothing else, it resulted in the end of Vibe and the Pretenders, what DC euphemistically called new JLA. Justice League of America # 258 should be the best-selling issue of that comic in years. What every fan has been crying to see actually happens. Vibe dies! And it's not an heroic death, either. Vibe dies exactly the type of death befitting his character, power, and costume; a meaningless, pointless and stupid death, which was the result of his own carelessness. I await the next three issues of JLA eagerly. Some of the house cleaning left over after Crisis is going to happen, Readers; Gypsy, some, or all, of Steel, and Vixen will meet similar fates. Personally, I'm hoping for "all." I'm hoping JLA blood flows so freely, that Sparta, Illinois runs out of red ink.
But, you ask, if all the heroes are forbidden from acting, who's going to fight the bad guys over the remaining issues of Legends? The Dirty Dozen, that's who. Granted they've been given a new name, The Suicide Squad, but it's still the Dirty Dozen.
The Suicide Squad is a super-powered team of former villains who have been offered pardons, if they will join a government sponsored group and fight for good. It will make its debut in Legends # 3, then spin off into its own continuing title.
Let me see if I have this straight. Mankind no longer trusts super-heroes, so the government is sponsoring a group of super villains to fight for the right. Hoping that will regain John Q. Public's trust in super-powered individuals. Right. Perfectly logical. Why, Captain Boomerang alone has built up oceans of good will over the years.
While, we've got the Suicide Squad on the griddle, as it were, which government official had the bright idea of enlisting The Blockbuster? Blockbuster is a former genius who has turned into a super-strong giant with the IQ of a Dr. Scholl's Foot Pad. How did they induce him to join in the first place?
"Blockbuster, we want you to join our super group."
"Guuuuuh."
"If you do you'll get a reward."
"Guuuuuh."
"We'll give you a pardon."
"Guuuuuh."
"We'll get you Kathy Ireland's private, unlisted number."
"Why didn't you say so in the first place. I'm in."
Finally, we've got to be concerned with what the villains making up the Suicide Squad are going to do, when they learn they've been conned. The federal government is offering pardons, if these villains will fight for good. That's fine as far as it goes. Unfortunately, that ain't too far. The federal government can only pardon federal crimes. As the members of the Suicide Squad have federal crimes, but also lots and lots of state crimes, a federal pardon is worth about as much as a mint condition B'wana Beast. At the end of Legends, the entire Suicide Squad should end up free of the federal charges, but back in state slams and unavailable for participation in the forthcoming Suicide Squad comic. Gee, a super team without any members.
Of course, it's still a better team than the new JLA.
Okay, back to that Executive Order and my lead paragraph of why no one who studied U.S. History should ever have come up with the stupid idea in the first place.
The President could not have issued such an Executive Order. He does not have the authority under the Constitution to issue it. The super-heroes were free to continue their activities. Sure, some of the heroes, like Superman, might have cooperated out of the goodness of their hearts. But others, like Guy ("The Only True Green Lantern") Gardner, would have believed in the ban as much as I believe Reagan doesn't use Grecian Formula. These super-heroes would have kept on super-heroing with impunity. If the President tried to punish them for violating his order, he would have found out it was as useless as a cotton candy umbrella.
Why can't the President issue such an Executive Order? How much time do you have? Probably more than I do, because I've run out of room in this column. Come back next week, and I'll explain why the Executive Order forbidding super-heroics, the single biggest plot element in DC's new multi-issue epic, couldn't happen.
Be here, it'll be good. Or, at least, more enjoyable than Scotch Tape.
******
BOB INGERSOLL, comic book fan and attorney, wants to talk about Captain America # 325 and the outrage that I felt, when I saw the villain of the piece, The Slug. Given that this is my column, I figure I'm allowed.
The Slug is a huge--obese does not begin to describe how fat he is--villain. He is impossibly huge. If anyone in real life were as fat as the Slug was portrayed as being (I would estimate his weight as being one ton), he would die. He would not be able to move, his bones would not support his own weight so he'd crushed himself, and his internal organs would not function. (Okay, these are guesses on my part. I have no medical training. Is there a doctor in the house? If so, am I wrong, could the Slug really live, if he were as big as shown?)
However, it is not the Slug's obesity that outraged me; it was his questionable originality. (Actually, his originality isn't questionable at all. He has none.) The Slug is a criminal overlord, sits on an industrial strength wheel chair, presides over hedonistic parties for his underlings, and delights in torturing persons for the viewing pleasure of said party goers. A more thorough and complete rip-off of Jabba the Hutt I have never seen.
So much for the House of Ideas.
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