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THE LAW IS A ASS for 07/10/2001
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 103
Originally written as installment # 92 and published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 679, November 21, 1986 issue
Some of you may have come in late. For those, I'd better explain the whole "New Universe" thing.
In the mid-80s, ostensibly to celebrate its twenty-fifth anniversary, Marvel created the "New Universe," a whole new line of comic separate, but equal to the Marvel Universe. The set-up of this universe is that it was supposed to be set in our world, the "world outside our window" until a mysterious White Event flashed and created super-powered people in our world. From then it was supposed to be, how would super-heroes really act in "our world," and how would "our world" take to super-heroes in it. It wasn't. I'm not saying they were bad comics. Some were, some weren't. It just wasn't really anything more, or more special, than super-hero business as usual.
It was also supposed to be a new, fresh, and innovative approach to super-heroes. It gave us an ordinary man who was given an all-powerful weapon by a mysterious, dying alien; a team of adventurers banded together to investigate the paranormal; a team of people who thought their powers made them freaks and who band together to find respectability; and a group of people with powers who are feared by others because they are different.
Yes; new, fresh, and innovative for those of us who hadn't read Green Lantern, Challengers of the Unknown, Doom Patrol and X-Men. But, what the hey, as this column will show, they got the "world outside our window" part wrong, why not the new, fresh, and innovative part, as well?
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 103
by
Bob Ingersoll
Quoth the villain: "And there's nothing you can do to me, fool! I've done nothing illegal,"
But don't you believe it. I know, I don't.
It happens all the time: the hero has captured the villain. Said villain says he can't be turned over to the police, because he hasn't done anything illegal. Usually it's with some lame explanation like, "It's not against the law to try to take over the world." The hero, showing all the intellectual acumen of a backed-up storm sewer, then lets the villain go.
This situation should be easy enough to prevent. All the hero has to do is review the criminal code and learn what is and isn't illegal. In fact, since heroes act as a supplement to the police force; you'd think it would be a job requirement. Then, once they have reviewed the law, they can probably determine such things as, while it may not be illegal to try to take over the world, it is illegal to try to overthrow the government by force of arms. As you can't take over the world without overthrowing a government or two, the villains acts did break some law somewhere. In that way, the heroes would know enough to arrest the villain and bring him in, anyway. Or, at least, they'd learn to arrest the villain and let the various prosecuting attorneys, who have studied the law books and do know what's against the law, make the final decision of whether our villain should be charged with anything.
Let me show you how well this would work by using Kickers, Inc. # 3, the most recent book to employ this tired device. Incorrectly, of course.
There are witches in Westchester. They're at Trace University. It's a small coven founded by Professor Jordan of the Chemistry Department. At first, the coven was all fun. ("Hey, guys, Dynasty's a rerun tonight. Let's disembowel a chicken for some laughs!") Then, one night, a masked man comes to the coven, takes it over, and things get ugly. Suddenly the coven isn't practicing witchcraft anymore, it's practicing demonology. It even conjures up demons.
Demon conjuring is too much for Ray Cannel, one of the university students in the coven. Cannel commits suicide from his "fear and guilt over the horror we've helped to unleash upon the world." (This doesn't sit well with Ray's father, a notorious gangster, who wants to revenge himself on the masked coven leader, but doesn't know who the leader is. Keep this in mind, it will become important later in our column.)
Michael Courtney, another member of the coven, is also concerned about the demons. Fortunately for Mike, the New York Smashers football team is having a pre-season mini-camp in Trace University. (Question: wasn't the New Universe supposed to be our world, until the mysterious White Event splintered it off into a place where super-hero physics work? As there is no New York Smashers in the NFL--sounds more like an ex-XFL name, anyway--I don't see how the New Universe could ever have been our Earth. Unless, the White Event is capable of several beneficial effects. It bestows super powers and changes sports franchise names. Gee, do you suppose it could do something really useful, like bringing back My Mother, the Car?)
Normally, football teams aren't noted for their expertise in demonology. Despite what you may have heard, the reddog is a defensive employment, not a reason for calling an exorcist. But all five members of Kickers, Inc. play for the Smashers, and Kickers is a non-profit organization formed to help people with "out-of-the-ordinary problems." They're also the heroes of our story, but don't let that worry you, the good guys win anyway.
The Kickers agree to help. (Personally, I think the Kickers should look to solving their own problem first, namely their name. Do you have any idea how silly it is to talk about a group of trouble shooters called The Kickers? Of course you do. I may be writing this, but you're reading it.)
The Kickers (See what I mean?) spy on the next meeting of the coven. They intervene, when the masked leader accuses Mike of treachery and threatens him. The masked leader hits Ace and Red--er, I mean Kicker members Jack Magniconte and Dasher Corbin--with some kind of gas. Demons attack Dasher and Jack. The coven runs away.
Later Ace and Rocky--er, I mean Kickers members Jack and Brick--break into the building, where the coven has its headquarters. The masked leader gasses them, then beats Jack senseless. Okay, so you can't beat man who lacks any sense senseless. He knocks Jack unconscious. Okay, you can't knock a man who lacks consciousness unconscious. He knocks Jack out.
When Jack and Brick wake up, they're chained to an alter. The leader is preparing to sacrifice them with one of those big wavy bladed knives you always see in comics, but which would never work all that well in a world which hadn't been changed by the "White Effect," because the ridges on the blade would get caught on the ribs. The other members of Kickers jump in to save Jack and Brick. They beat up the coven. Jack and Brick free themselves. They beat up the masked leader, who, they discover, is none other than Professor Jordan.
Big surprise. He was the only suspect we knew by name. (Kind of like figuring out the murderer in a whodunit, where the only characters are the victim, the detective, and the butler.)
But there's nothing the Kickers can do to Jordan, he's "done nothing illegal." He was doing some research on the effects of hallucinogens for the military, but his funding was cut. (Military research gets a funding cut? Apparently that White Event really turned the world outside our window into a fantasy realm, here.) So Jordan formed the coven. He used the dues to finance his research and gave his hallucinogens to his "willing subjects" to test their reactions. See? Nothing wrong there, it was all for science.
The Kickers have to leave Jordan alone. He even threatens to prosecute them, if they turn him over to the police. After all, he has a room full of witnesses who'll testify the Kickers broke in and attacked him. So the Kickers leave Jordan alone, except that Jack tells some hitmen hired by Ray's father the leader's true identity.
Nothing illegal?
Jordan did nothing illegal?
Any of you out there want to field this one? Or should I?
See, if the Kickers had only read the criminal code of New York, they could have avoided all this and had Jordan prosecuted. I have read it, so I know that Jordan has managed to break a few laws even in the name of science.
First, we have possession of illegal narcotics. True, the story didn't tell us what the hallucinogen was, but I don't know of any legal ones. Even if we give Jordan the benefit of the doubt, and say possessing the drug wasn't illegal, dispensing it to the members of the coven without a medical license was. And don't believe that felgercarb about their being "willing subjects." Cannel committed suicide because of the horrors he had unleashed on the world. Obviously he didn't know the demons were hallucinations. So he also couldn't have taken the hallucinogen too willingly. Besides, a crack pusher's customers buy their drugs willingly, that doesn't exonerate him. (Interesting concept, I'll have to try it the next time I defend a pusher.)
We also have murder. Jordan caused the death of Ray Cannel, by so frightening the youth that he committed suicide. There may be a problem proving the causal connection between Jordan and Ray Cannel's death, but the Kickers should still have taken the man in and let the D.A. decide, if he could make the charges stick.
Finally, Jordan clubbed Jack and Brick. He then chained them to an alter and was about to kill them with that big, wavy rib-catching knife. That's assault, kidnap, and attempted murder. Even if we accept the concept that Jordan was entitled to club Jack and Brick, because they had entered the coven's headquarters illegally so it wasn't assault; protecting one's property from trespassers doesn't allow you to chain the trespassers up to an altar and try to cut out their hearts.
Those last two acts--chaining up two men so that you can make them pre-mortem transplant donors--would be kidnaping and attempted murder. Last time I looked--which was only an hour or so, as I did the research for this column--those were still crimes in New York. Not to mention every other state, colony, and protectorate in this country. And I don't want to get started counting in how many other countries kidnaping and attempted murder would be crimes. Unless that White Event took that "world outside our window" and re-wrote the law books while it was re-naming the NFL franchises, it would be more than I have room to list in this column. I'm going to have to talk to it about that whole My Mother, the Car thing.
Nothing illegal, indeed!
The Kickers didn't even have to worry about Jordan's threat to prosecute them. Yes, they broke in, but Jordan attacked them not vice versa, and was going to shish-kabob Jack. They were acting in self-defense. At worst, they'd be guilty of misdemeanor criminal trespass. I'll bet they could have even copped a plea to a lesser offense, if they agreed to testify against Jordan.
Not that all of the Kickers deserved such light treatment. When Jack told the hitmen the masked leader's identity, because he believed they couldn't do anything to Jordan, he aided and abetted murder. (Yes, I know we didn't see the hitmen kill Jordan. But this is the world outside our window, remember? The world where hitmen act like real hitmen, which means they weren't there to discuss zero coupon bonds.) Aiding and abetting murder is more immoral than anything Jordan did. Jordan didn't know his acts would result in a death. Jack Magniconte can't say the same.
BOB INGERSOLL
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