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THE LAW IS A ASS for 03/05/2002
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 135
Originally written as installment # 122 and published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 729, November 6, 1987 issue
It's time for that behind-the-scenes stuff I put in these Docket Entries. But this time there's a difference. You get to help me at the end.
For the past two weeks, I've run parts one and two of a four-part column about a six-part Daredevil story called "Playing to the Camera." This isn't part three of that four-part column. Nor will next week be part three, or the week after. In fact, I'm not quite sure when part three will run.
See, my deal with Comics Buyer's Guide includes a promise that I won't run the column here, until it's run over in CBG. It's not that I'm required to do this. But as CBG does pay me for the columns, it's a nice gesture to let the paying market print it first. To the best of my knowledge, while part four of this series has run, part three hasn't. Parts one and two have already run. So they were fair game for this page, and I ran them here. The other week, CBG ran part four. But I don't want to run that installment here, until I run part three first. Here's the problem; to the best of my knowledge, part three hasn't run in CBG yet. I think, for some reason, they skipped it. But, true to my word, I won't run part three here until it's run in CBG first. So, for the foreseeable future, we go back to the regular format of reprinting the much older columns.
So, why didn't I start the four-parter, if I knew this interruption would occur? Time. Two Mondays ago, I was getting ready to go down to MegaCon. Last Monday, I was in Orlando for a few days R&R after MegaCon. I knew that I wouldn't have enough time either week to get an older column ready. Reformatting it from the older word processing program to WordPerfect, updating the jokes, taking out the irreparably dated references, and that sort of thing does take time. So, rather than have nothing on this page for those two weeks, I went with the recent columns, because I don't have to reformat them. They're already in WordPerfect and there aren't any dated jokes, other than the ones I stole from the Henny Youngman Jokebook. Preparing newer columns takes much less time than preparing older columns, so much less that I did have enough time to get them ready for this page. Barely, but enough.
Now here's where you can help me. When I told my editor at CBG that they skipped part three, he told that part three had run in the paper. I've been through my back issues and I can't find it. But if any of you saw part three run in CBG, could you please let me know when and in what issue for my records? If it did and you do, I'll be able to run part three here much quicker.
I just wish I knew whether that was an incentive or not.
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 135
by
Bob Ingersoll
When you think of lawyers, what's the first thing that pops into your head? Don't be shy, you can say it. We know what you really think of us. Money grubbing, ambulance chasing, rich greed-heads. That's what you think, isn't it?
This depresses me. Not because American lawyers have something of an image problem. They're old enough to take care of themselves. What depresses me is the feeling that I'm not pulling my weight. If all lawyers are rich greed-heads, either I'm an abject failure, or some other lawyer is getting my share of that "rich" part.
But that's about to end. I'm about to get my due. Not a week goes by that I don't hear about some sunken treasure ship in a TV show, movie, or comic book. I figure there's got to be several fortunes out thereit's simply a question of finding them.
Finding them, however, is the problem. I may not have the fortune of other lawyers, but I do share other common traits with them; a sedentary life style and a pronounced paunch. I'm too out of shape to go diving after these treasures.
I figure I'll get Sub-Mariner to do it for me. How? I'll just charge him one sunken treasure as my fee for winning his law suit.
What law suit, you ask? In Avengers # 270 (August 1986 issue) a consortium of insurance investors filed a two billion dollar civil suit against Namor for the property damage caused when Namor's armies warred against the surface world. This was property the insurance companies had underwritten. After the damage, they paid out on the suit and are now suing Namor to recover those pay-outs, alleging that he caused the damage which they covered, so he should be liable to them for the damage.
Like most civil suits, this one has dragged on. It's still active as of Avengers # 287 (January 1988 issue). Namor wants it over. I want it over. I have no desire to see another "Trial of the Flash" story which drags on forever. So, in the interests of brevity, I'm going to suggest several different strategies Namor should attempt. I'm sure that at least one of them will pay off.
The first thing Namor should do is to file a motion to dismiss for failure to state a claim upon which relief can be granted. All civil suits are based on the defendant's breaching some duty that he owed the plaintiff, and some resulting injuryeither physical or economicto the plaintiff. Well, whatever Namor and his armies may have done, the insurance companies were not damaged in any way. For that reason, they have failed to state a cause of action upon which their requested relief can be granted.
No damage, you wonder. What about all those buildings that were smashed in the usual mighty Marvel mayhem that ensued when Atlantis attacked the surface world? Isn't that property damage? And wouldn't the various insurance companies have to pay off on the claims to their insureds for that property damage? And couldn't they then sue Namor to recover those monies? And isn't that enough damage to support a law suit?
Good questions. See? You have learned something by reading this column all these years. Ordinarily, the answer to all the questions would be yes. In this case, however, the answer to the second questionthat important "And wouldn't the various insurance companies have to pay off on the claims to their insureds for that property damage?" questionis no. The insurance companies weren't damaged by Namor, because they didn't have to pay off on the claims.
According to Avengers # 286, page 3 panel 3, the insurance companies are suing for the "property damage [Namor] caused when [his] subsea armies marched against the surface world." Check your Marvel history books, and you'll find that Namor's subsea armies didn't march on the surface world, until after Namor, the king of Atlantis, declared war on the human race in Fantastic Four Annual #1. All of the property damage caused by Namor's subsea armies was the result of acts of war.
Go check your insurance policy. If you don't have one, go check your parents'. If they don't have one, go check a friend's. I'll wait, I've got time.
Finished? Did you read the section called Exclusions? Did you notice that the policy specifically excludes damage caused by an act of war? Do you know what that means? It means exactly what it says it means; insurance companies don't pay for property damaged by acts of war. It means if you live in a city that was bombed during a war, your insurance company doesn't have to pay you to rebuild your bombed house, because that damage was specifically excluded from your policy's coverage.
It means: the insurance companies didn't have to pay off on the damage caused by Namor and his armies, because it was damage from an act of war. Any claim they did pay on was paid out of altruism, not any legal duty. That was very noble of them. Lousy business, but very noble.
However, the insurance companies can't claim that anyone, Namor included, owes them recompense for the monies they gave away by paying off on non-covered claims. They can't sue Namor any more than you can sue me, because your Aunt Tillie gave you the time of day. (Really, you can't. So, don't even try!)
Namor should also file a Motion to dismiss for lack of subject matter jurisdiction, for the rather simple reason that the court hearing the case doesn't have the jurisdiction to hear it. Namor is a citizen of Atlantis. Thus, the suit against Namor is a suit involving American citizens, the insurance companies, against a citizen of a foreign country.
Article III of the United States Constitution rests exclusive jurisdiction of all suits between an American citizen and a foreign citizen in the federal courts. This means that only federal courts can hear such a suit. So, if the suit against Namor was in a state court not a federal court, that court lacked the jurisdiction to hear the suit. It must grant the first motion for dismissal for lack of subject matter jurisdiction that is filed.
Even if the insurance companies knew enough to file suit in federal court--and that's not a certainty; if they'd pay off on uninsured claims, there's no telling how stupid they are--the court may still lack jurisdiction. You can't simply file papers in some court in order to sue a foreign national. There are some complicated, foreign policy created procedures which must also be followed in order to sue a citizen of another country. If these procedures were not followed, then the court still lacks jurisdiction to hear the suit and must dismiss it.
What are these procedures, you ask? I ain't telling! If I reveal all the little subtleties involved in suing a foreign citizen, then anyone will be able to do it without having to hire a lawyer. Why do you think lawyers have all these complicated procedures and trade secrets, if not for job security? (Remember, I didn't say lawyers weren't rich greed-heads, I just said I wasn't getting my share.)
EDITOR'S NOTE: You're not fooling us, Ingersoll. Why don't you just admit, you don't know the procedures and that you can't research them, because it's Sunday afternoon, and the law libraries are closed?--DON AND MAGGIE.
Some of you may think you've found a flaw in my theory that the courts lack jurisdiction, because Namor is a foreign citizen. As we all know, Namor is the son of an Atlantean princess and Captain Leonard McKenzie, an American citizen. As a result, Namor would have dual citizenship. He'd be a citizen of both Atlantis and the United States. So the parties are both Americans. And one American can sue another without any complicated foreign policy procedures interfering. After all, Judge Wapner can still book two cases a day, five days a week even after several years, so Americans suing other Americans can't be that complicated. (Ah, The People's Court. Talk about your retirement benefits!)
That argument would have been true back on the 40s. Back then, Namor was a citizen of both the United States and Atlantis. But Namor isn't an American citizen anymore. In Fantastic Four Annual # 1, he assumed the Atlantean throne, remember. At that time, Namor also renounced his American citizenship.
There are some things which if done cause one to lose his American citizenship. Fighting in the armed forces of another country is one. Becoming the ruler of a foreign country is another. (Liking Barney isn't one, but it should be)
The same thing happened to the late Grace Kelly, when she became queen of Monaco. If it happened to Grace Kelly, you can bet it happened to Namor. After all, Grace Kelly was more popular and a lot better looking.
Namor can also seek to dismiss the suits, because the statute of limitations has expired. Law suits do not last forever. American courts feel it wouldn't be fair for plaintiffs to wait forever to bring a suit. Such a delay might preclude a defendant from defending himself, because the witnesses he requires have died or moved or simply do not remember what happened. In order to prevent this fundamental unfairness, the courts have created statutes of limitations. If you don't bring a suit within a certain set time, established in the Statute of Limitations, you can't bring it at all.
The statute of limitations for most civil suits is two years or less. The damage the insurance companies are suing over is more than twenty years old. If you happen to subscribe to the theory that nothing in the Marvel Universe happened more than seven years ago, the damage is still at least five to six years old. Either way, it should be outside the statute of limitations and too late for the companies to sue over it.
The last strategy Namor can try is not a legal defense at all; it's simple logic. He should simply point out that it won't do the insurance companies any good to sue, because even if they win, they won't get anything. Namor is judgmentproof.
Namor doesn't own any property or money, which the insurance companies can attach, even if they should win. His assets, if he has any, are in Atlantis. As Atlantis does not enjoy diplomatic relations with the United States, any judgment entered in the United States is not enforceable in Atlantis. The insurance companies cannot take an United States judgment into Atlantis and have Atlantis seize Namor's property to pay off on the claim, for the simple reason that Atlantis doesn't have to do it so won't do it. After all, if you were a country, would you want to lose two billion dollars in assets?
Namor does have his Avengers salery--$1,000 per week, if memory serves me. Assuming that the insurance companies could attach all of that money--which they can't, because they have to leave Namor a livable income--they wouldn't get their two billion back for thirty-eight thousand four hundred sixty-one and one-half years.
Hardly seems worth the effort, does it?
Bob Ingersoll
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