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THE LAW IS A ASS for 11/05/2002
DOCKET ENTRY
The Law is a Ass Installment # 169
Originally written as installment # 151 and published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 783, November 18, 1988 issue
Just as the revamping of Superman was the biggest cross-over comic book news story of1896 --that is a comic book news story that crossed over from the comic book trade papers into the mainstream news sources such as USA Today or Time--so the death of Batman's kid sidekick, Robin, the Boy Wonder, was the biggest cross-over comic news story of 1988. Just in case you missed the coverage in Time or Newsweek or The New York Times or everywhere else the story appeared, let me explain.
As a promotion, DC Comics produced a four-part story in which the Joker trapped Robin and left him in a death trap. Not the Robin most people grew up with. That Robin, Dick Grayson who twenty years earlier had chaffed us by making everything "Holy," had grown up to create his own costumed identity, Nightwing. Batman had a new Robin, the Boy Wonder, an obnoxious teen-aged kid named Jason Todd, which turned out to be an ironic name as tod is German for death. Anyway, no one liked Jason Todd and many readers wrote in that they wanted him to die. Which gave DC an idea
As I said, at the end of part two of a four-part story called "A Death in the Family," Jason Todd Robin was in a death trap. And the kind people at DC provided the readers with two 900 phone numbers--one to call if the reader wanted Robin to survive and the other if the reader wanted Robin to die.
DC justified its reviving and updating of the old Roman Circus--thumbs up or thumbs down; you decide, provided you don't get a busy signal--by explaining the it was nothing more than a high-tech version of its letter columns. DC claimed that for years it had acceded to the requests of readers made in the letters columns--although I am hard pressed to think of three examples. DC just claimed that using Ma Bell as an aider and abettor simply made the process more efficient.
I was not silent about the story. I'm rarely silent about anything and could see no good reason not to speak--or write--my piece about one of the worst comic book stories I had ever encountered. Not even if I had to make one passing reference to a public health law, just to justify my talking about it.
In case you didn't read the story and were wondering what it was all about; I now give you an option. You can read the story or you can read the column which follows. I recommend the column. It tells you everything you need to know and is--in my own unhumble opinion--better.
Even if it's not better; it's shorter.
******
THE LAW IS A ASS
Installment # 169
by
BOB INGERSOLL
For more than thirty minutes, I've stared at the blank monitor sitting above my computer waiting for me to put words on it, while I've tried to come up with some light, witty banter with which to begin this column. The monitor is still waiting--white and sterile and blank. It's taken me thirty minutes of staring at its unrelenting starkness, to realize my problem: I have no light or witty beginning in me. For the first time in my life I am ashamed to be a comic fan.
Let me tell you why.
For months we've been teased with the house ads: "Someone will die because the Joker wants revenge." The ads promised Batman # 426-429, "A Death in the Family," would be a four-part battle royale between Batman, Robin, and the Joker. A conflict of epic length and proportion. Well, I'll give them this; it was long.
As for "epic," well I think DC's Marketing Department misheard "epic" when someone in Editorial said ipecac. Because that's what this story made me feel like doing.
By way of explanation and set-up let me give you the following: Jason (Robin) Todd is acting moody, resentful, and reckless. Even more so than usual. Batman fears this attitude will get Jason killed. So, much to Jason's consternation, Batman takes him off of active duty.
Jason storms out of Wayne Manor, walks for three hours, and ends up in the middle of the Crime Alley slum in Gotham City, where he used to live. This story has enough other problems, that I won't even point out how stately Wayne Manor is somewhere up in the suburbs of Westchester County dozens of miles distant from Gotham; which makes Jason's marathon walk dubious at best. You're welcome to realize this on your own, but remember: you didn't hear it here first.
Jason finds a former neighbor of his parents who gives him a box of papers and mementoes from his childhood--a little water damaged, sorry the roof leaks. Jason takes the large box in his arms, walks home, and studies the contents. He learns an amazing thing. No, not that he walked through Crime Alley twice--once with his arms full of box--while dressed in the expensive clothes that Bruce Wayne bought him and was not mugged even once. What Jason learns, from a birth certificate he finds in the box, is that the woman he always thought was his mother wasn't really his mother.
The lady who Jason thought was his mother and who has died was named Catherine Todd; but the name on the Mother's Name line of his birth certificate starts with an S. Jason can't read the rest of the name, because the aforementioned water damage has rendered everything but the initial letter of the mother's name illegible. That the water conveniently damaged nothing on the certificate except for part of the one entry Jason most wanted to read is rather a large coincidence. Get used to it. Coincidence plays a bigger part in this story than either Batman or Robin.
Jason deduces that Catherine was his stepmother and that his biological mother is this "S Something." Jason decides to find his real mother. Unfortunately, he doesn't know her name. Fortunately, Batman "The World's Greatest Detective" trained Jason how to be a detective and Jason uses his skill to track down his mother. Unfortunately, "The World's Greatest Detective" must not have wanted any competition; because he trained Jason to be a lousy detective. Fortunately, we have four parts to fill, so the fact that Jason doesn't know how to be a good detective gives us something to fill them with. (Wait, I think that last one should have been an "unfortunately," too.)
Jason finds his father's old address book in the box. Logical, all married men keep their old address books containing not only their wives' maiden names but also and all their old girlfriends lying around. If they didn't, we'd lose too many good sit-com plots. Three women in the book have names that start with an S: Sharmin Rosen, Shiva Woosan, and Dr. Sheila Haywood.
Jason uses the Batcomputer to find their present whereabouts so that he can then track each down and ask each if she is his mother. If you're wondering why the Batcomputer had current addresses for three apparently average, non-criminals, that Batman should never need to contact, don't; it's never adequately explained.
Wait, yes it is. None of the three ladies were as average as they appeared.
My, what a coincidence!
The computer tells Jason that Sharmin is an Israeli secret agent, Shiva is a suspected mercenary in Lebanon, and Sheila is a doctor working on famine relief in Ethiopia. Three mother suspects and none of them close enough for a local phone call.
My, what a coincidence!
As Jason sets out for Africa and the Middle East to find out which of these three ladies is his real mother, let's reflect on his detective skills. If I had a birth certificate with convenient water damage which prevented me from reading who my birth mother was and I wanted to find out who she was, I wouldn't traipse half-way around the world tracking down suspects. Of course, I wasn't trained by "The World's Greatest Detective," so my mind wouldn't automatically jump to methods which allowed me to show off my manhunting abilities. I'd probably think of a more prosaic way. Such as this...
State laws require the Department of Health to keep permanent copies of all vital statistics like birth and death certificates. In New York said law is found in Chapter 41 of the Public Health Law. I know, I looked it up.
So I wouldn't go to Lebanon, I'd go to City Hall or wherever they keep those records and get a completely legible copy of the birth certificate. One that was complete with my mother's name. Or, considering the birth certificate I had was legible on the line listing Place of Birth, I'd go to the hospital listed in Place of Birth and ask their records department who my mother was. Once I had my mother's complete name, then I'd use the Batcomputer to find out her present location and go directly to her without having to check out two other possibilities first.
But what do I know? I didn't get my detective training from The Batman; I got mine from Joe Mannix, Jim Rockford, Stuart Bailey, Remington Steele, and David and Maddie.
In Israel, Jason learns that his mother suspect is presently on assignment in Beirut, Lebanon. So he goes there to find her.
At the same time, the Joker escapes from the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Sadly for him, ever since he paralyzed Police Commissioner Gordon's daughter, Barbara Gordon, in The Killing Joke, the police have seized all of Joker's hidden assets and he doesn't have any operating funds. (Nice to know the police are finally on the job; even if the eight thousand one hundred forty-seven assorted murders that the Joker had already committed weren't important enough for the police to track down and seize his hidden assets before now.)
The Joker still has one major asset: a friend of his in the military who owed him a "big favor" gave Joker an armed cruise missile. (How many of you wondered what favor a military man could possible owe the Joker, such that he would willingly give a convicted homicidal maniac with eight thousand one hundred forty-seven previous murders a tactical nuclear weapon? Keep wondering. The story didn't know either, so it never did tell us.) The Joker decides to sell his cruise missile to a terrorist, so he goes to...
You guessed it: Beirut, Lebanon.
My, what a coincidence!
At the same time, Batman, using his own detective skills, has learned that one of Joker's former allies has gone to Lebanon and that the Joker has a nuclear device. Batman deduces that Joker is going to sell his device in Lebanon and heads for Beirut, Lebanon.
My, what a coincidence!
Sharmin, it turns out, is in Beirut investigating reports of someone selling a nuclear device to terrorists. Toward that end she has hooked up with one of the Joker's henchmen. While Batman tails the henchman and Robin tails Sharmin, they meet, realize they are working on the same case, and team up.
My, what a coincidence!
Batman and Robin foil the Joker's plot, but Joker gets away. Robin learns that Sharmin isn't his mother, so he and Batman check out Shiva, because she's also in Beirut.
My, what a coincidence!
Shiva, it turns out, is really former Batman villainess and Kung Fu expert, Lady Shiva. She and Batman fight.
My, what a coincidence!
Lady Shiva isn't Jason's mother either, so Batman and Robin head for Ethiopia to check on Sheila. At the same time, Joker, who knows that Sheila killed a patient performing an illegal abortion back in the states, has come to blackmail her. How do I know it was an abortion? The procedure was described as an illegal operation on a teenage girl; I don't think we're talking zitectomy here. Joker finds Sheila at just the same time that Batman and Robin arrive in her camp.
My, what a coincidence!
Sheila really is Jason's mother. After the emotional reunion scene, Batman and Robin learn that Sheila has Joker problems. Batman goes out to foil the Joker's plot leaving Jason behind to surveil. Jason reveals his secret identity to Sheila and offers to help her against Joker. Sheila takes Robin up on the offer. Unfortunately, her idea of help is to give Robin to Joker as a "Get Off My Back" offering. Joker pistol whips, kicks, and beats Robin; then he savages Robin repeatedly with a tire iron to the head. Finally, Joker leaves Robin and Sheila locked in a warehouse with a bomb. In the story's climax, the bomb explodes, with Robin and Sheila still in the building, and reduces the building to smoldering rubble.
But what of Sheila and Robin?
To be continued . . .
End of issue? Not quite. After all, this story--as full of coincidences, stupidities, and illogical improbabilities as it is--is hardly enough to make me ashamed to be a comic fan. Even Batman: The Cult--which askd me to believe, among other stupidities, that the Batman could be brainwashed faster than you can say, "Patty Hearst;" and that an army of the homeless armed with firearms and shooting from the sewers could take over Gotham City; and that the same rag-tag army could resist the National Guard for one week; and that after said week of Gotham City only The Batman goes in to defeat the armed insurrectionists while the other super-heroes such as Superman, Justice League International, or Captain Marvel do nothing--wasn't enough to make me ashamed to be a comic fan. (Although, truth to tell, it didn't exactly make me proud, either.)
I was ashamed over what was really at the end of the comic: the nine hundred number promotion, the Does Robin Die? Line. Two endings of this story have been prepared, or so goes the claim. One in which Robin lives, one in which Robin dies--as if it were even conceivable that Robin could survive the blood loss, shock, brain damage, concussion, and internal hydrostatic shock that being repeatedly and savagely bludgeoned with a tire iron would have caused or the vivisection that the explosion would have caused. The readers are instructed to call one of two supplied nine hundred numbers to vote; one if they want Robin to live and the other if they want him to die. Their vote will determine Robin's fate.
Yes, the Does Robin Die? Promotion, made me ashamed to be a comic fan. It is disturbing. It is offensive. It is tacky.
When I read about the promotion I was sure how today's blood thirsty comic fans would vote. Yes, blood thirsty, why else would a mail-order comic-book store advertise The Killing Joke with the copy, "Red Hot! See Batgirl get mutilated by the Joker!" and isn't that a nice heathy attitude?. I was quite sure, before the first issue came out, that the fans would vote to kill Robin. I wasn't disappointed, they did.
But think about it. Doesn't this whole contest put the lie to the dramatic element of the story? If the readers get to vote whether Robin lives or die, then Robin's death isn't an essential part of the story being told. Remember, two endings for the story exist; one in which Robin lives and one in which he dies. It cannot possibly be essential to the story being told that Robin die, if in one version of the story he lives. So, if Robin's death isn't essential to the story, it's only a promotional gimmick to get DC some extra readers and free press coverage. I'm ashamed to say, it worked. DC got both the extra readers and the free press coverage.
Comics are often accused of cheapening death, by constantly killing characters, then bringing them back to life. This, I fear, will happen with Robin. DC will kill him and eventually--because DC derives too much money from licensing and merchandising Robin--DC will have to bring Robin back. So, Batman will take on a third kid sidekick named Robin--no matter how unbelievable it is that Batman would risk yet another young life after Joker almost killed Dick Grayson, the original Robin, and did kill Jason Todd, the second Robin.
If killing, then reviving a character cheapens death, what does killing a character purely as a promotional gimmick do? It doesn't just cheapen death; it devalues death completely.
And it makes me ashamed to be a fan of any medium which would engage in a promotion as base as this one.
Bob Ingersoll
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