Today's "guest column" is something a bit different from our usual fare. We'll talk about it in a little further down in this edition of TOT.
TERRIBLE TONY'S FIRE AND BRIMSTONE Sermon The First
At Comics Buyer's Guide, Tony "Tony's Tips" Isabella is often called "America's most-beloved comics writer and columnist." True, he was the first to call himself that, but, over the decades, many other people have called him that as well. Because people are stupid. This is why breathing is an automatic response.
I'm not that Tony Isabella. I'm his evil twin. I'm the rage of his 35 years in the comics industry given voice. I'm the big stick that seeks out people - comics industry types and others - who really need to be taken out back and beaten.
No matter how much the good Tony Isabella may love some of the people he'll be writing about here - and he does love some of them madly - I don't love them. Sometimes I'll be writing about comics and sometimes other things. Feel free to bitch when you don't like what I write or what I write about. I don't mind. I have more big sticks than you have bones.
My first sermon is about comics, because most of you need to be eased into the real world. Even those of you not living in your parent's basements likely spend way too much time in basement-like rooms of your own device. I have many basement-like rooms myself, rooms waiting to be emptied of comics and replaced with more useful accouterments. Like more big sticks.
That's the intro. Prepare ye to hear My Word as I answer the burning question none of us should care about:
It's more stupid than sticking your tongue to a metal pole on a cold day, but less stupid than voting for Bush. Next time, let's dare Marvel Comics editor-in-chief Joe Quesada to do the former. Preferably before he does anything else this stupid.
This is where the good Tony would fall all over himself trying to be fair and pointing out all the wonderful things Quesada's done at the editorial helm of Marvel. That's not going to happen here. Because here is where Quesada jumped the shark.
My spoiler-filled recap of One More Day goes something like this:
Aunt May got shot because Peter Parker was too stupid to see Tony Stark for the evil neocon bastard Stark is. She's been lying in a coma for about a year now and she's about to go to her eternal reward, or she would if there were a Heaven in the Marvel Universe. Mephisto can't stand the all-powerful love between Peter and Mary Jane and tells them May will live if they allow him to undo their marriage as if it never was. That's right. Mephisto is like some jealous soap opera bitch.
And because nothing says "great responsibility" like making a deal with the devil, never mind a deal that May would not want them to make, Peter and Mary Jane agree to Mephisto's terms. May lives, no longer knowing her nephew is Spider-Man...and the lives of Peter and immediate supporting cast members roll back to a mythical time when exciting stories could be told with them. I guess everything in the last 20 years has been crap.
This is nothing more than editorial arrogance. The Spider-Man franchise has not been in any way, shape, or form actually damaged by Peter being married to Mary Jane. Good writers still managed to write good stories about him. Many spin-off titles were launched, including Spider-Girl and Ultimate Spider-Man, to name the best of the bunch. Don't look shocked. Even an evil twin like me enjoys a good comic book now and again.
In the last 20 years, three blockbuster Spider-Man movies were made. There were several animated series. There were all sorts of Spider-Man action figures and toys and trading cards and clothing and posters and video games and dozens, if not hundreds, of trade paperback and hardcover collections of Spider-Man stories. If God existed in the Marvel Universe, I would thank Him that Joe Quesada came along to rescue us from all of that.
One of my issues with the cosmic dumbness that is One More Day is that I'm tired of comic-book publishers and editors and writers taking the easy "retcon" way out of the messes they create. You do it, you live with it. If you're not writer enough to live with it and make it entertaining and interesting, then you weren't writer enough to be doing the job in the first place.
But my main issue with One More Day is something that I alluded to above. Quesada and writer J. Michael Straczynski - who should have been writer and man enough to walk away from this train wreck - have made the devil the most powerful player in the Marvel Universe, with no other being powerful enough to oppose him. Think about it. Mephisto altered reality. Okay, the Scarlet Witch did the same thing a while back, but she looks so much better in a body stocking that I was okay with it. Yes, evil Tony has an eye for the ladies. Deal with it.
The other Tony once spent two years trying to add some balance to the Marvel Universe in Ghost Rider. In a universe filled with a variety of Satan surrogates, he felt there should be some countering force. So he wrote Jesus into the book. It wasn't any big religious statement. It was other Tony's sense of fair play at work. What an incredible sap!
Other Tony's two-year story was torpedoed by then-assistant editor Jim Shooter, showing the initial signs of the arrogance that would characterize his rise to power and eventual banishment from Marvel Comics. Shooter pulled back an issue that was ready to go to the printers to rewrite and redraw pages revealing that Jesus was actually a demon in disguise. Never mind that three previous editors had all approved this story. Shooter took it upon himself to change the last chapter of a story that had been well-received by readers. Up to the point where Shooter changed it.
I mention Shooter here not because the other Tony still quite uncharacteristically holds a grudge, but because Shooter can serve as an example for Quesada.
Quesada isn't bigger than Marvel Comics. He's not bigger than the millions of readers who have enjoyed Marvel comic books nor the hundreds, perhaps thousands of writers and artists who have created that vast universe of characters and concepts. Making decisions to radically fix something that clearly wasn't broken because he would rather that something be more to his liking is editorial arrogance. There was no creditable business reason to make this so-called fix. There was no creditable artistic reason to make this so-called fix. He's tried to explain his reasoning - over and over and over again - and he never makes his case. You can't defend arrogance and you especially can't defend arrogant stupidity.
That was going to be the first installment of a weekly column for ComicMix, a spiffy website featuring comics and columns by some of comicdom's best: Mike Gold, Michael Davis, Mike Grell, John Ostrander, Tim Truman, Denny O'Neil, and others. From before the website's launch, my friend Mike Gold had wanted me to be part of that merry band and I very much wanted to be part of it as well. So, what happened?
What happened was the financial problems that have arisen in my life. I'm not in a position to work for back-end compensation at the moment, even though I have more confidence in ComicMix than in almost any other website I could name. It pains me that I'm not going to be appearing there in the foreseeable future.
The concept of "Terrible Tony's Fire and Brimstone" was that I would be going after my subjects with the big stick mentioned in the pilot installment. I wanted to give voice to the rage I heard from comics readers and, starting with the second installment, the anger all American citizens should feel towards lawmakers and other elected officials who chip away at our Constitution and otherwise fail to serve the interests of the people. My first target was to be the patently unconstitutional federal and state laws that would retroactively change the status of sexual offenders even after they had served their previously determined sentences. Depending on the outcomes of the thousands of lawsuits already filed in opposition to these unjust laws, I may still get around to writing that piece. I don't plan too far ahead these days.
I had some comics projects I wanted to do at ComicMix as well, including a completely written-and-drawn story by myself and Eddy Newell that lacks only lettering, and a 32-page super-hero script by Bob Ingersoll and myself that needs a wee rewrite, an artist, a letterer, and a colorist. If my financial situation improves, I'll work on getting those published.
For now...I'd be very interested in what you thought about my evil twin's column. You can post comments on my Tony Isabella Message Board here...
Keep watching TOT for more Comics in the Comics. You will find older examples on my message board.
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TONY'S MAILBOX
I wrote about the upcoming presidential elections in my column for January 31, 2008. TOT reader Dave Von Domelen e-mailed this response:
Kucinich was my first choice, too. But since Kansas has that weird Democratic Party caucus system, I would never have been able to vote for him even if he hadn't dropped out. As for Mormons, they are what Scientology might become if we are very lucky. Having gotten past the lifetimes of the founding frauds and anyone who might have been in on the con, they seem to have transformed into a religion no worse than any other. I found South Park did a great job of portraying them in its special John Smith episode.
Has that episode been released on DVD yet? If so, I'll make a point of getting the disc via Netflix.
TOT readers, keep those e-mails coming. I'll try to get them into my columns on a timely basis.
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TONY POLLS
Today's your last day to vote on last week's Tony Polls wherein you were asked to nominate presidential candidates from the Marvel, DC Comics, Comic Strip, and All Others Parties:
New poll questions will be posted on Tuesday. Then, one week later, we'll pit the top three-to-five vote-getters from each party in run-off elections to decide their party's candidate, followed, two weeks later, by the vote to determine who will be the President of the United States in my weird world.
In the meantime, feel free to go to my message board and make your cases for the candidates of your choice. I'll do the same in an upcoming TOT.
Thanks for spending a part of your day with me. I'll be back tomorrow with more stuff.
I review The Amazing Adventures of Nate Banks #1: Secret Identity Crisis, Secret Identity Crisis: Comic Books and the Unmasking of Cold War America and The Walking Dead Volume 2: Miles Behind Us.
ZERO: Burn your money before buying any comic receiving this rating. It doesn't *necessarily* mean there's absolutely nothing of value here - though it *could* - but whatever value it might possess shrinks into insignificance before its overall awfulness.
ONE: Buy something else. Maybe I found something which wasn't completely dreadful in the item, but not enough for me to recommend it when there are better comics available. I only want what's best for you, my children.
TWO: Basic judgment call. I found some value, but not enough to recommend it. My review should give you enough info to decide if you want to take a chance on it. Are you feeling lucky today, punk? Well, are you?
THREE: This denotes something I find perfectly respectable. There are better books out there, but I wouldn't regret buying this item. Based on my review, you should be able to determine if it's of interest to you. Let the Force guide you.
FOUR: I recommend anything earning this rating. Unless you don't like the genre, subject matter, or past work of the creators, I believe you'll enjoy this item. Isn't it uncanny how I can look right into your soul that way?
FIVE: Anything getting this rating is among the best comicdom has to offer. You should buy/read this, even if the genre/subject matter doesn't appeal to you. It's for your own good. Me, I live for comics and books this good...but not in a pathetic "Comic-Book Guy" sort of way.
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