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THE LAW IS A ASS for 09/28/1999
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 12
Originally published in The Comics Buyer's Guide # 528
December 30, 1983 issue
This was the tenth installment of the column which I wrote for Comics Buyer's Guide. The web page here will call it something like installment # 12. There's a simple explanation, really: Justin and I can't agree on how to number the damned things.
Actually, what's happening is that I'm re-running my old CBG columns in chronological order on this page. But I am also doing the occasional new column (and I hope to have one of those new ones next week). When I write a new one, I assign it an installment number reflecting how many columns I've actually written, either for CBG or for this page. So the new ones I write are, as far as I'm concerned in the high two hundreds.
Justin, however, is numbering these columns in the order they appear on the page. So the new columns I write are being numbered to reflect when they appear on the page. Moreover, old columns are then re-numbered to reflect when they appear on the page, even if they are given installment numbers which are higher than those of the new columns, which were written a decade and one-half after the old columns first appeared.
To avoid confusion in the futureAior, perhaps, to create even more confusion, the Docket Entries will, from now on, indicate both the installment number as it appears on the page and the order in which it was written.
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 12
by
Bob Ingersoll
So now that you've got him, Superman, what are you going to do with him?
Back around the first of the year, fellow CBG columnist, Tony Isabella, suggested I write a one-shot article, the topic of which to be how the law is portrayed in comics and which, ultimately evolved into this very column. I thanked Tony for the idea and immediately relegated it to the circular file which is my mind, until such time as someone finally put that much-talked-about twenty-fifth hour into the day. Or until I got Triplicate Girl's power. Duo Damsel's power wouldn't have been enough. (And with all of the potential super powers out there to chose from, who would have thought Triplicate Girl's would prove to be the most useful?) I knew that one of the topics I wanted to cover in such an articleAiif I ever wrote itAiwas the question which began this installment. What does a super hero do with a super villain, after said villain has been captured? Where do Superman, Thor, E-Man, or even Destroyer Duck incarcerate a person capable of punching down walls or turning iron bars into linguini?
Other concerns, I won't mention who he is, have occupied my column to date. To be frank, I plumb forgot about that column I wanted to do about jailing super villains. Firestorm # 20 reminded me, when it posed questions about Killer Frost's incarceration.
Killer Frost is kept prisoner in an isolated cell block frozen inside a large ice block. The book put forth the query, is keeping Killer Frost freeze-dried like a Green Giant entree a violation of her constitutional and civil rights? The book didn't answer the question, by the way. I will. But I'm going
to answer it later in the column. (That, dear readers, is known as a hook. Now you have to read the rest of this column to find the answer.)
The question of what can be done with a super villain without violating his/her/its civil rights depends on several factors. As a service to any super hero who might be reading this column or any reader who is considering migrating to Earth One to become a super hero, I will set out all those factors in the easy to follow:
******
Bob Ingersoll's Guide to Everything You Always Wanted to Know About What You Can Do With Super Villains After You've Caught Them Without Violating Their Civil Rights But Were Afraid to Ask
INSTRUCTIONS
This guide is broken down into several categories; each headed by a question. To see if you're in the right category, answer the question. If the answer is "Yes," you're in the right category. If, the answer is "No," go look for the section for which the answer is "Yes." If you're an X-Man don't even bother asking the questions. X-Men never catch their villains, they just fight them to stand-offs.
I
DOES THE VILLAIN COME FROM ANOTHER PLANET, DIMENSION, PLANE OF EXISTENCE OR RIVAL COMIC BOOK COMPANY?
If the answer to this question is "Yes," then you have no problem. (If the answer isn't "Yes," then you have a big problem, namely you can't follow instructions!) Your super villain is an extra-terrestrial alien as opposed to the kind that comes from south of the border. He/she/it is not human. He/she/it may be humanoid, but not human. The Constitution, the Magna Carta, the Declaration of Independence, and the Student Counsel Charter For P.S. 84 speak only of the rights of men and women. No mention is made of the rights of ETs. Conclusion: extra-terrestrial aliens have no constitutional or civil rights. You can do whatever you want to do to them. You can send them into Limbo forever. You can turn them into cows for eternity. You can exile them to man-made planetoids too small to hold an atmosphere and incapable of supporting life. You can even force them to watch Lawrence Welk.
If your moral code is such that you couldn't even permit Galactus to die of natural causes, then any of the above punishments might seem too harsh for you. Do not worry, there is still something you can do with year alien super villain. You can turn him/her/it over to the Interplanetary Police or the Guardians of the Universe or whatever the functional equivalent is in your continuity and wash your gloved hands of the problem.
These intergalactic functionaries are the police of your known space and will imprison interplanetary malefactors for you; even if the crime occurred only on Earth and not in space. (Apparently the IP's outlook is more universal than that on Earth. After all American police don't concern themselves if someone spits on the streets of London. But any sentient can 'spect ta rate with the Interplanetary Police.)
The Interplanetary Police also don't concern themselves with things like extraditions. It will cart alien villains off of Earth, despite the fact that Earth has never signed any extradition treaty with the Galactic Federation. This proposition seems to work the other way, too. Superman used to snatch Lex Luthor forcibly off the planet Lexor and return him to Earth to finish his multiple life sentences on a regular basis, even though we never normalized relations with Lexor.)
II
IF THE VILLAIN IS AN EARTHLING, DID HE SURVIVE THE CONFLICT?
No it's not a stupid question. How many super villains die at the end of a story? Dr. Doom, The Red Skull, Dr Octopus and Dr. Hugo Strange are among only some of the myriad villains who have died at the end of a story. Granted most of them come back a year or so later, as if they were stealing the extra lives from Morris the Cat. But recently several super villains have stayed dead, notably Baron Zemo and Reverse-Flash.
When a villain dies, even if it's only a fake death, you again have no problem. All you, as the hero, need to do is wax philosophic, "How ironic that he should die the victim of his own evil avocado ray," and depart above a caption that reads, "The end?" You needn't punish the villain. In the immortal words of "Bones" McCoy, "He's dead."
But, while you don't have to do anything, whatever you do, don't do the sensible thing like look for the body or other proof that the villain is really dead. If he really is dead, it's a waste of time. And if he isn't really dead ... Well, you wouldn't want to spoil that surprise ending that's coming only seventeen issues down the road, now would you? Besides which, maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe when the villain comes back, it will be in some other hero's book. Then what to do with the villain will be some other hero's problem and not yours.
III
IF THE EARTHLING VILLAIN DOES SURVIVE THE CONFLICT, IS HIS POWER FOUND ONLY IN HIS WEAPONRY?
Let's assume you're fighting the Trapster. Let's assume also that you beat him. (If you can't beat that bozo, I suggest you find another line of work )What do you do with him? Simple. Take away his traps and throw him into any conventional jail. Without his paste pot, Trapster's just a guy named Pete. Any average jail cell can hold him. Hell, any average shoe box can hold him, The same holds true for the Ringer without his rings, the Kiteman without his kites, Plantman without his plants or the ever-popular Man-Elephant without his pachydermis. (And while we're on the subject, why can't villains like these, the ones we want to see die and not come back just die and not come back?)
Please note: with some villains like Lex Luthor, the Wizard, or the Fixer special precautions are needed, even though they have no natural power. Villains able to jury rig a flying machine out of an ice cube tray and some used ping pong balls should never be left alone with anything that has more moving parts than a spoon.
IV
IF THE EARTHLING VILLAIN WHO SURVIVES THE FIGHT HAS NATURAL POWERS, CAN HE USE THEM TO ESCAPE?
This part's tricky. It demands that you be able to analyze the villain's power and see if it could be useful in escaping from a regular jail cell. If you've got a villain with Stone Boy's power, don't worry. So he's a statute? He can't move, so he can't escape. Yes I know Stone Boy is a hero, but his power is a perfect example of a power that is useless in escaping. If you want some actual villains whose power is useless consider these. Unus, you can't touch him, but he can't touch the doorknob. The Toad, he'll jump around his cell looking real silly, but he'll just bang his head against the bars doing it. The Tumbler? I can just see it now, "Let me out of here, or I'll do a somersault!"
On the other hand, if you've got a villain like the Abomination or Shimmer, whose natural abilities would enable them to escape from a conventional jail cell with ease, then special steps must be taken. A special jail cell must be designed to neutralize the villain's power. Sometimes building a special cell is no problem.
I fondly remember an old Wonder Woman villain, Mouse Man, who had shrunk to the size of a mouse. Obviously putting him in an ordinary jail cell would be impractical. He could simply walk between the bars. The solution was to put Mouse Man in a bird cage hanging from the ceiling of a cell and have a cat prowling around the cell. It was neat. It was efficient. And it satisfied that old Bugs Bunny philosophy: it isn't enough to defeat your enemy, you should also humiliate him.
Sometimes, creating a special cell for a super powered inmate does present problems. Not only must a special cell be devised but the cell must also be constitutional. The Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution prohibits cruel and unusual punishment, so if your special cell is cruel or unusual, maybe you can't use it.
Keeping an inmate perpetually frozen in a big ice blockAiremember Killer Frost, she started this whole thing?Aiis certainly unusual. It is also cruel, as its constitutes eternal solitary confinement. Many other special cells constructed for super villains would also be cruel and unusual. However, even though these cells would violate their particular inmates' constitutional rights, the cells wouldn't necessarily be improper.
A state can deprive a person of a fundamental constitutional right, if the state is accomplishing a legitimate state interest, and if the deprivation of the right is the minimum deprivation possible under the circumstances. In order for the state to justify its special cells they must be able to prove to a court two things. First, that it is accomplishing a legitimate state interest; that is it's doing something should be dong and it's allowed to do. No one (not even public defenders) deny that the state has a legitimate interest in jailing its criminals. First hurdle met.
Second, the state must be able to prove the constitutional right deprivation involved is incidental to the legitimate state interest and is the least onerous deprivation possible. (Hey, that's the way they taught it to me in law school. But don't worry, I'll translate.)
The state must be able to prove that it couldn't accomplish do what it wants to do in a way which would violate the villain's rights less than the way it's presently doing it. If it could accomplish the same end in some less onerous way (in other words build another special cell, which could hold the villain while being less cruel and or more usual) then the state can't use the method it's using.
So if there is no other way that the state could keep Killer Frost a prisoner, except for keeping her in an ice cube tray, then Killer Frost's jail cell doesn't violate her rights. I'm not an expert on physics or cryogenics, so I can't give you a definitive answer to the question. But as Killer Frost can absorb all heat instantly, including a person's body heat, thereby creating such intense cold as to turn a man into an ice statute, the only way to imprison her would be to keep her away from all heat. The block of ice is probably okay as it's probably the least intrusive way to imprison her. (I invite, no I welcome, dissenting opinions from experts on physics or cryogenics.)
I have indicated that there are some special cells, which might violate the Constitutional provision against cruel and unusual punishment, Can I give an example? Of course I can. (Would I have asked a question like that in my own column, if I couldn't give an example and look like a genius?) In Superman # 332, the Atomic Skull (a villain whose brain seizures produce highly destructive electrical blasts, which would constitute Excedrin headaches 1-106) is connected to a machine which can detect when he is about to have one of his seizures. When he is, the machine gives him electro-shocks sufficient to counteract the seizure. The problem is we are shown Atomic Skull writhing in pain from the electro-shock. Now could a smaller electro-shock serve to counteract the seizure, one that didn't produce such writhing pain? If so, then the punishment being used on Atomic Skull is cruel and unusual, because it isn't the lest onerous method. The answer is, "Yes," if memory and a quick re-reading of the opening chapters in Michael Crichton's The Terminal Man serve correctly. In such a case the Constitution demands that the less severe shock be used.
Project Pegasus is an even better example of cruel and unusual punishment, which is improper. Pegasus is a special project run by the U.S government in the Marvel Universe to develop alternate energy sources. Among its research is forced experimentation on super-humans with energy related powers. Human guinea pigs. The Dazzler was one such subject. Pegasus got her cooperation by taking her to the project at gun point, then threatening to reveal her status as a mutant and ruining her singing career. Don't believe me, re-read Dazzler #'s 8 & 9. And she wasn't even a super-villain. Just imagine what Pegasus would do if it ever got its hands on Elektro
No, wait, you don't have to imagine. If that's how Pegasus recruits subjects who aren't jailed, guess how it recruits subjects who are jailed. If you guessed by transferring the subject to the project against his or her will then forcibly subjecting them to experimentation you win a prize. Hell, Peter Parker, the Spectacular Spider-Man # 55 even reveals that Pegasus even takes inmates, who haven't been convicted yet and are awaiting trial. Pegasus even complains, when these inmates are bailed out.
As laudable as government energy research is, said research cannot include using super villains as unwilling guinea pigs, You cannot experiment on a person against his will, and for the government to do it to inmates is unconstitutional. The governmental interest of incarceration doesn't require human experimentation so not experimenting would be a less intrusive means to the end of keeping the streets safe.
V
ARE YOU THE MICHAEL FLEISHER SPECTRE?
If you are ignore everything you just read. When you catch villains, you put them through the wringerAi quite literally. What do you care about constitutional rights?
******
I hope this little guide will help all existing and would-be super heroes. If it does, then I feel fulfilled.
I would once again like to thank Mitch Wenzel for providing me vith invaluable assistance in preparing this column. Namely he told me every comic Project Pegasus ever appeared in. Mitch has a truely encyclopedic memory and can remember stuff like that. That makes it easier for people like me, who can't remember where to wear their underwear. (I keep putting them outside my trousers. It looks so spiffy on Superman.)
NOTE TO DON & MAGGIE: See, I can too write an entire column without ever mentioning the Vigilan ...
Oops.
BOB INGERSOLL
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