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THE LAW IS A ASS for 10/05/1999
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 13
Originally published on World Famous Comics
October 5, 1999
This, the 276th installment of "The Law is a Ass" written, will be the thirteenth to see print on the World Famous Comics Page. It's one I've been waiting several months to write.
Even as I watched "Graduation Day, Part One" back in May, I knew I had to write about what Buffy Summers did in this episode ofBuffy the Vampire Slayer. The fact that everyone I talked to asked me if I was going to write this column didn't deter me any, either. The fact that "Graduation Day, Part Two" was delayed for several weeks by the WB did deter.
But now, and finally, the column I can write the column I've been waiting months to write. Read what follows and you'll see why.
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 13
by
Bob Ingersoll
The good news is she'sstill not a murderer; but it's not for lack of trying.
The "she" we're talking about is still Buffy, as inBuffy the Vampire Slayer, a show I still watch religiously; although melting down my satellite dish and reshaping in into a crucifix hasn't done wonders for my TV's reception.
The characters we're concerned with are even still the same. Buffy Summers, eighteen-year-old senior at Sunnydale High in Sunnydale, California and the "Chosen One." In each generation there is the Chosen One, the one girl who has the powers and abilities to slay vampires and other assorted nasties. For the Pepsi Generation, the Chosen One is Buffy.
Well, actually, Buffy and Faith. There's sorta two Chosen Ones at the moment.
Remember, Buffy died briefly back at the end of Season One; drowned and clinically dead until one of her friends brought her back with CPR. Well, it seems that when a Slayer dies, the next Slayer is automatically activated. As near as I can figure it, there are two types of girls, Slayers and potential Slayers. A potential Slayer is a teenaged girl who has the Slayer talents within her but whose talents lie as dormant as Talking Barbie's math skills. It's kind of like that potential energy thing we learned about back in Physics. (Hey, don't ride me, potential energy is one of the few things I actually understood back in Physics, and I ain't losing this chance to show off my limited knowledge.)
Pick up a book and hold it over the floor. It has potential energy stored in it, energy that is lying dormant until something activates it. Release the book and let it fall, and the potential energy is released. It's no longer potential, it becomes active-although for some reasons physicists decided to call this kinetic energy; probably to make it harder to understand. It's the same thing with Slayers-to-be. All Slayers have increased strength, stamina, athleticism and the ability to sense vampires. But when a girl is just a Slayer-in-waiting-a potential slayer, because someone else is the Slayer at the moment-these abilities are dormant inside her. They are like potential energy.
When a Slayer dies then the next potential Slayer's abilities are activated and she becomes a kinetic Slayer. When Buffy died, her replacement was activated and the potential Slayer, Kendra was activated. At the end of the second season, Kendra also died and her replacement, a girl named Faith, was activated.
That's pretty much the back story I can tell safely. From this point on I must issue one of those ubiquitousSPOILER WARNINGS
No, this doesn't mean I'm going to warn the Spoiler fromRobin about the dangers of unsafe sex, given that she's already had her baby, it's a little late for that. No aSPOILER WARNING is something we reviewers issue, when we're about to give away plot elements of a show. We do this in case someone hasn't seen the show in question, so that these people can know not to read any further and have these plot elements spoiled for them.
It goes something like this:
SPOILER WARNING
I am about to discuss some plot elements of "Graduation Day," the two-part episode that endedBuffy's third season. "Graduation Day" has finally run; run twice, in fact. You've probably all seen it. Still, if you haven't seen it, want to see it and don't want plot details spoiled for you, don't read on.
You have been warned.
"You have been warned;" I feel like one of those old crones who wait by the side of the forest in a bad swords and sorcery movie.
As Season Three progressed, Faith-youdo remember Faith and the whole set-up I discussed previously, don't you, I do so hate repeating myself. Anyway, Faith became a rogue Slayer. How and why isn't really important. She went bad. Turned to the Dark Side of the Slay. Ultimately, she fell in with the evil mayor of Sunnydale, who planned to kill the entire graduating class in an arcane ceremony he called "The Ascension," wherein he would attain demonhood. Of course, given that his demonhood entailed his becoming a fifty-foot serpent, I have to wonder why he was so hot to do this. Why is it demons are always horned, acned, viscus-dripping monsters or misshapened blobs? Why can't one become a demon and become an incredibly handsome guy, or, even somebody everyone thinks is handsome like, Gerard Depardieu?
Anyway, Buffy and her friends, the Scooby Gang-whose names aren't important for the purposes of this discussion but which are Willow, Xander, Cordelia, Giles and Wesley, in case they become important-are trying to find out about the Mayor's plans. The Mayor and Faith are seeking ways to distract Buffy and the Scoobies from finding out what he's up to. (Or should that be to what he is up? I can never remember.)
One of the distractions Faith employs is to shoot an arrow into Buffy's boyfriend, Angel. Angel is no ordinary boyfriend. He's a vampire. A vampire who's had a gypsy curse put back on him that restored his soul. Now Angel's a vampire with a conscience, human feelings and has become one of the good guys. He loves Buffy. And Buffy loves him. So, to get Angel out of the game and keep Buffy busy, Faith shot Angel with an arrow coated with a special poison that kills vampires slowly.
A poison that kills vampires? No, I can't explain it either. Van Helsing's chronicles never talked about a poison that's toxic to vampires, not surprising considering that they're already undead. Where does one fine curare for a corpse? Strychnine for a stiff? A good dose of carrion monoxide?
I don't know where this one came from. Perhaps I should letBuffy creator, Joss Whedon, explain, as he did in the October 1, 1999 issue ofEntertainment Weekly. "We have some rules [governing vampires]-like only one thing kills them: a wooden stake through the heart. Well, that or beheading. And direct sunlight. Fire, probably. That weird poison Faith used on Angel. Actually, a lot of things kill vampires. Stay tuned." In other words, when the plot requires it, they come up with another way to kill a vampire. Here a way which would give a vampire a slow and lingering death was required, so Whedon came up with vampire venom.
So, now Angel is slowly dying of this poison in his system, while Buffy and the Scoobs try to fine a cure. They do. Turns out that a vampire can be cured of this particular poison, if he drinks the blood of a Slayer. Kind of an antibody antitoxin.
"Not a problem," Buffy says and goes out to find Faith. She intends to bring Faith back, so that Angel can drink her. It will kill Faith, but will restore Angel.
Buffy confronts Faith. They fight. The fight takes them up to the roof of Faith's apartment building, where Buffy sticks a knife into Faith's mid-section. Faith figures she's dying but doesn't want to fall into Buffy's hands, so jumps off the roof into a passing truck. Although she doesn't die, she lapses into a coma, which the doctors say will be permanent. (Permanent.Riiiiight! How many of you believethat?)
Here's my problem. It's true Buffy didn't kill Faith, but she sure tried to. She went to Faith's apartment in order to bring Faith back to Angel, so Angel could kill her by drinking her blood. Then, while they were fighting, this big, ugly knife Buffy was carrying had a navel encounter with Faith and Faith's navel.
That, dear readers, is against the law. You stick a big knife into someone and you're going to be charged something; either an assault with a deadly weapon or an attempted murder. Certainly something more serious than having, "Doesn't play well with others," on your permanent record.
Buffy, our heroine, is guilty of attempted murder.
But wait, wasn't Buffy defending herself against Faith, when the two of them were fighting? Wouldn't Faith have killed Buffy in the fight, if she had the chance?
The answer to these questions are, "Yes," and "Yes." (Wait, I got those in the wrong order, it should have been, "Yes," and "Yes.")
Then why, if Buffy was defending herself from someone who would have killed her, wasn't Buffy acting in self-defense? Why is she guilty of a crime instead of committing a legally justifiable act of self-defense?
I'm glad you asked. It gives me another chance to show off, like that potential energy thing. (Hey, I just lost the lottery-again!- let me find my fun where I can.) Buffy couldn't assert self-defense, because she was disqualified from using it.
Yes disqualified. It's like this: the law requires both a criminal act and a criminal intent for a crime to be committed. If a person commits an act that would violate the law, but does not have a criminal intent, then the law doesn't hold the person accountable. For this reason, the law forgives people who act to defend themselves or others from life-threatening attacks. The law doesn't require you to wait around and be killed. (It's notthat big an ass). Rather, the law says you can fight back without fear of breaking the law, because you don't have criminal intent.
Seems quite straight-forward, doesn't it? But don't forget, this is thelaw we're talking about. It has more wrinkles than Ron Reagan's waddle. And the wrinkle for self-defense is that in order to assert the defense, you can't be guilty of creating the situation which culminated in your having to defend yourself.
It's what the law calls "clean hands." In order to assert self-defense, you have to come into the situation with clean hands. If you start a fight in a bar, you can't claim that you had to defend yourself against the person you were fighting. Basically, the aggressor can't assert self-defense.
Buffy started the fight. She went looking for Faith, in order to bring Faith back to Angel, who was going to suck Faith's blood. In the eyes of the law, Faith was defending herself against Buffy, but Buffy, who created the situation, could not have been defending herself against Faith.
Okay, this is the law and there is another wrinkle. If Buffy had broken off the encounter and retreat only to find the retreat prevented by Faith, then Faith would become the aggressor and Buffy could have asserted self-defense. That never happened, however. Buffy never retreated. She pressed the attack, so was always the aggressor and could not assert self-defense.
As I said, not a murderer, because Faith didn't die, but definitely guilt of attempted murder. All in all, not a nice thing to do.
In case you're wondering what happened to Angel, Buffy saved his life by forcing him to drink her Slayer's blood. Then Angel took Buffy to the hospital, where a massive blood transfusion saved her. But Buffy almost died, because Angel sank his fangs into her neck and drank.
No wonder Buffy's mother warned her about the dangers of-Hey, you can see this coming, don't make me say it-necking.
BOB INGERSOLL
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