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THE LAW IS A ASS for 10/12/1999
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 14
Originally published in The Comics Buyer's Guide # 529
January 6, 1984 issue
Now we come squarely upon one of the problems inherent in reprinting these old columns: how much should I revise them? First there's the problem of improved skills. This was the eleventh column I wrote and I wrote it fifteen years ago. Presumably, my writing has gotten better since then. I know some of my attitudes have changed since then. Thus, were I writing the column now, I would write it very differently from the way it is presented.
So what am I to do? Revise heavily, taking advantage of my improved skills and world view, as Dean R. Koontz does with his earlier novels? Or do I leave the columns as they were, presenting them for their historical perspectives whatever historical perspectives I can delude myself into believing my writings have?
I am taking kind of a middle ground. I try to leave the columns close to the original form, but I do change them. I improve grammar and syntax, when I find it particularly clunky. I remove or change jokes, I no longer feel work (or update them, if I feel the reference is particularly dated). And, if I come upon new information I will, in the interests of accuracy, incorporate that. But I try to do as little of this as possible, so that the columns are as much like how they first appeared as I can make them.
I guess, what you're getting here in World Famous Comics is what Harlan Ellison refers to as "the preferred text."
Anyway, this was one of the columns which presented particular problems for me. I'm not as sure now of some of my positions as I was then. So I've added bits lines to include my newfound uncertainty, without taking out the basic thrust of the column.
Hopefully, it still works, assuming it worked in the first place. I guess you'll have to let me know.
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 14
by
Bob Ingersoll
I was writing the fifteenth page of a thirty page trial brief (only the legal profession can call a thirty page document written on paper that's 8 1/2 by 14 a "brief") when they came in.
"Mr. Ingersoll, we need your help."
There wasn't anything too alarming in that. As a public defender, I usually didn't get people visiting me, unless they need my help. Nevertheless, as soon as I saw my visitors, I knew I had problems.
The first problem was where to put these people. There were seven of them waiting to see me in my office. As offices go, mine is one step above that of Les Nessman on WKRP In Cincinnati. It has walls of a sort. What it really is, is a cubicle set off by partitions, which mark my territory in a way that's less effective but more sanitary than that of a dog. And it's a space doled out to me with the same generosity demonstrated by Scrooge (Ebenezer) at salary time. Squeezing all seven of them into my office would have left us as cramped as the bottom dollar in the Scrooge (McDuck this time) money bin. As I had no desire to reenact the stateroom scene from A Night at the Opera, I suggested that we repair to the conference room. (Lawyers talk that way, especially when they're talking to the type of people I had visiting me.)
And that was the other problem with my visitors: who they were. All seven wore crispily-pressed grey, wool, three-piece, pin-stripe, Brooks Brothers suits, suits whose coat sleeves ended exactly four-and-one-half inches above the thumb and revealed precisely one-half inch of powder blue silk shirt cuff. Madras power ties, brown tortoiseshell glasses, gold plated collar bars and cuff links, and highly polished black wing tip shoes completed each wardrobe, while every right hand carried a black leather attache case. I knew of only one breed that consisted of well tailored-clones, executive vice presidents of major corporations.
But what could corporate vice presidents want with me? I'm a public defender. I represent poor people in criminal matters. When these people have a legal problem, they don't come to me, a PD only two years out of law school. They go to one of those big corporate law firms, where everything smells of leather, except the junior associates' offices, which smell of sweat.
When we arrived at the conference room, we sat down. I was amused by the spectacle of seven well-tailored rears, accustomed to upholstered and cushioned seats trying to find comfort in the cheap plastic chairs in the PD conference room. After they had found what comfort they could, I put forth the question: "Gentlemen, what can I do for you?"
One of the seven leaned forward and handed me his business card, more out of habit than anything else, I'm sure. I didn't need it and he certainly didn't need me to have it I'd be more likely to throw pearls before swine, then I would be to throw him any business; and first I'd have to get the pearls. I took the gold-embossed card and glanced at it. It read: "Pisa. D. Rocke, Vice President of Publicity and Advertising, Mutual of Nationwide Travelers Insurance."
"I have been chosen as the spokesman of our group, Mr. Ingersoll," the card's owner said. "We've come, because we hope you can help us correct an injustice which is being done us."
"And 'us' is?"
"The corporations of North America. Frankly we feel that the way major corporations are treated in comic books, particularly Marvel, DC, and Eclipse comic books, is unfair."
"In what way?" I asked.
"In the past five years, almost every time a major corporation is portrayed in a comic, it is as a villain. Look, at Roxxon or the Brand Corporations in Marvel comic books. Or the Sunderland Corporation in The Saga of the Swamp Thing. Or Godcorp in Destroyer Duck. Or the Krell Corporation in DNAgents.
"Mr, Ingersoll, we know that you took a course in corporate law, so you know what the purpose of any corporation is. It is to conduct its stated business and to make money for the: shareholders. The comic-book corporations I have indicated do not to attempt to conduct business and make money for their shareholders. They engage in blatant illegalities.
"By this, I do not mean acts of questionable morality, such as unpleasant corporate take-overs. Nor do I mean violations of fair trade and anti-trust laws, or environmental laws, or even Securities and Exchange regulations, which is the sort of illegal behavior generally associated with. a corporation. You, know the things at which we do excel.
"No, the corporations in comic books engage in covert acts of espionage, sabotage, assassination, and power brokering. Their stated goal is not to conduct business, but to assume total control of the world. And all for the personal enrichment of the Board of Directors.
"Perhaps the most blatant example of this trend incorporate portrayal is the Super Boxers graphic novel. There a cadre of corporations have assumed total dictatorial control of the planet.
"Frankly we are worried about what this trend represents, Mr. Ingersoll."
I looked at each of the seven. I found it a little hard to believe that anyone could be upset over Super Boxers. It was just an overwritten dystopian satire, confusing in its continual point of view shifts from second person singular to third person omnipresent, and basically a rip-off of Rollerball. Upset at not being able to regain the time spent reading it, sure, but as a portent?
"Look, I explained, "it's just a fad. It's fashionable to dump on corporations right now. Twenty years ago, the Communists were always the bad guys. Ten years ago, it was the 'Maggia' or whatever other name the writers came up with for organized crime. Five years ago it was terrorists. Now, it's big business. It'll blow over. A year or so from now it'll be lumberjacks or cell phone manufacturers or whatever else has become fashionable to attack.
"I'll admit that the present overuse of big business as the bad guys is beginning to bore me, but I wouldn't worry about it. Just ride it out. It's not going to kill you."
"We're aware of this, Mr. Ingersoll. And we are prepared to weather the current trend. We were, however, hoping that you might aid us in speeding the trend's demise."
"What do you want me to do, sue the comic companies for defamation of corporate character?"
"No. Our legal departments have already informed us that such a suit would be without precident. And if we were to sue do you think we'd ask for the assistance of a public defender, who graduated from law school only two years ago? We have big, corporate law firms with associates who reek of sweat for that sort of thing."
"Then what do you want?"
"We want you to write a column on the problem."
"A column?"
"You do write a conlum entitled 'The Law Is a Ass' for The Comics Buyer's Guide, do you not?"
"Yes, but it's about how they mess up the law in comics, what you want doesn't really fit."
"We were given to understand that you have a fairly free hand in choosing subjects. for your column."
"I do, But it's still got to fit the theme,"
"We thought, perhaps, you could use Captain America #291 or The Incredible Hulk #293 as a springboard,"
Mr. Rocke had copies of the comics he had mentioned in his attache case. Fortunate, I stopped trying to remember individual comic numbers, after I memorized the first villains in the first one hundred issues of The Fantastic Four.
Rocke lay the two offending comics down on the table in front of me. "I assume that you have read both of these?"
"Yes ."
"Both purport to relate activities by insurance companies. However, the portrayal themselves are completely inaccurate from a legal point of view, As such they would be proper subject for your column."
"I'm afraid that I never took insurance law. Just what legal inaccuracies are you referring to?"
Rocke picked up the Hulk. "Let us take this story first. In it the Hulk comes into Hadleyville, a veritable mid-western paradise. In Hadleyville, Hulk and representatives of the United States Army, equipped with rifles, flame throwers, bazookas and several tanks engage in rather destructive combat. As a result Hadleyville is reduced to smoldering rubble.
Later the citizens of Hadleyville file claims with their various homeowners' insurance carriers. Each claim is denied, because, and I quote, 'There was no clause in anybody's policy covering loss due to destruction by gamma-irradiated monsters.'
"Mr. Ingersoll, no respectable insurance carrier would deny such a claim,"
"Why not? Surely the policies wouldn't cover the Hulk."
Rocke pulled another paper from his attache case. It looked very official. "I took the liberty of bringing a copy of your homeowner's policy with me, Mr. Ingersoll. Have you ever read it? "
"Years ago."
"Please read it again."
I did. My policy covers damage from fire, explosion, falling trees and other falling objects, riot and civil commotion, vandalism and malicious mischief, and even from airplanes crashing into my house. (Images of the movie of The World According to Garp flashed into my head.)
"Certainly the damage caused by the Hulk and the army would fall into one of those categories, Mr. Ingersoll. Hulk threw trees. The army tanks started fires and caused explosions. The whole incident was a case of civil commotion. One could even make a case that the Hulk was guilty of vandalism.
"The point is that the damage to Hadleyville would fall into one of the covered categories. Nevertheless the story implies that an insurance carrier would read the policy's coverage in the most restrictive manner possible, as if actively seeking a way to refuse coverage. It would not."
"But, Mr, Rocke, my policy also says it doesn't cover damage caused by the Army, when it's fighting off foreign invaders, Couldn't you escape coverage with that clause?"
"Perhaps, Perhaps not. The Hulk is an American citizen, after all, not a foreign invader. Moreover, even if that were the case it is doubtful that any responsable insurance company would try."
"Why not? It would seem like a way to save millions, even billions, to deny such a claim."
"The restrictive interpretation of a homeowner's policy, which the story in question implies is the norm in the insurance industry, is of very questionable legal validity. There is probably no judge or jury which would agree with such an interpretation. Thus even if we were inclined to make such an interpretation, our position would lose the first time someone challenged us in court. The result would be that we would have to pay on the claims anyway, but with a resulting cost of several hundreds of millions of dollars in lost good will. People would be so incensed at our callousness in refusing to honor the Hadleyville claims, we would lose business in droves. New or potential clients would seek coverage elsewhere, and existing policyholders would cancel their policies."
"No, Mr. Ingersoll, we would not dishonor the claims. And a portrayal of the insurance industry as money conscious, compassionless conglomerates actively seeking ways to deny coverage does us a disservice.
I wasn't convinced. "But you're the same business that offers earthquake insurance to Los Angeles that carries a deductible so high, few people bother with it anyway. Isn't it logical to assume you'd also offer 'Hulk insurance' with equally high deductibles?"
Rocke didn't answer the question. It made me wonder: right answer, wrong reason? Instead of answering, he pulled another comic out of his attache case. I wondered whether the craftsmen who tooled the leather for this case ever envisioned that it would be used to ferry comic books.
"Captain America #291, however, is even worse."
"I know," I admitted. "It's got the Guardian Life Insurance Company taking policies out on super villains like The Tumbler and Dr, Octopus, which it never intends to honor.''
"Exactly. The story postulates that the company would engage in such active fraud, accepting policies it knows it intends to dishonor because it can claim that the super villains' activities disqualify them from coverage. Admittedly, some life policies are not issued to persons involved in highly-dangerous occupations. But that's the case, the policies are not issued. The companies don't issue the policies intending to dishonor them, that would be an illegal fraud in the inducement.
Moreover, the hazardous occupation disqualification is spelled out in the policy. Are we to believe that these super villain would seek coverage, if a clause in the contract they could see applied to them?
"It is obvious that the Guardian Life Insurance Company is denying coverage not because its position is legally correct, but because the beneficiaries of the policies will placidly accept the company's refusal, rather than fight in court and risk revealing their relationship to the super villain. Such thinking is dangerously retarded,"
"Yeah," I agreed.. "In a world full of television, radio, newspapers and the National Inquirer, it is pretty lame to believe the beneficiaries' relationship with the super villain isn't already common knowledge. So what would they have to lose by suing on the policy?
"Or maybe they just wouldn't care. All it takes in one greedy beneficiary who doesn't care about bad publicity and just wants the money. He'll sue anyway.
"But soon as one person sues Guardian on a policy, one of two things will happen. The beneficiary wins and Guardian Insurance has a precedent against it which will cause it to lose every such suit. Or the beneficiary will lose and the super villains find out about Guardian's fraud then trash Guardian for stealing from them."
"Eloquently, if rather colloquially stated. Can you tell me, what has the insurance industry ever done to deserve such treatment?"
I was tempted to suggest computer-generated telemarketers which call about wonderful new coverage opportunities at dinnertime, but decided not to. "So you want me to write a column. What do you think it will accomplish?''
"Hopefully, once the readers and creators of comic books realize that present portrayals of corporations is the result of a trend, the trend itself will cease."
"Why ?"
"We have found that comic book readers and creators are very sensitive to cliches, An unsympathetic portrayal, which is the result of a trend, is a cliche. Once the readers and creators realize they are indulging in a cliche, the readers will reject and the creators avoid it,"
"Well I think you're making a problem, where none exists, but I'll do the column for you. It won't do any good, but I'll write it,"
"That is all that we can ask, You have our thanks, Mr. Ingersoll."
With that Mr. Rocke and his entourage left, I went back to my office, I still had a brief I had to finish. But now I had one hour less to do it.
Fifteen minutes later, Denise, our receptionist, called my office.
"Bob, there's a bunch of people out here to see you. They look like politicians, and they want to talk about the way they're treated in comic books."
Did you ever have one of those days?
BOB INGERSOLL
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