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THE LAW IS A ASS for 11/16/1999
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 18
Originally published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 536
February 24, 1984 issue
Ah, the good old days.
For you younger readers, please no angry letters asking about all these new additions to the Superman mythos I've snuck into the column. Check the date up there, people: 1984. No, this isn't some Newspeak way of telling you you've fallen into an evil, Orwellian world. It's just a reminder that this column--the fourteenth installment of "The Law is a Ass"--was written (except for some updating for this edition) back when we still had the non-revamped Superman. You know, the pre-Crisis version complete with his Weisinger trappings such as a variety of Kryptonite for every color of the big 64 Box and enough survivors of Krypton to give Superman a bigger Christmas list than Santa Claus.
So put on your hiking shoes and come with me and Sherman into the Way-Bac Machine. These are the thrilling days of yesteryear, and this is ...
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 18
by
Bob Ingersoll
He's the Man of Steel. The Action Ace. The strange visitor from another planet with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men, who fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and the American way.
And he's a wimp!
Consider Superman, what he is and what he can do. He can fly, he belongs in the sky. He has super strength. He has super speed. He has super breath. He has super senses. He's invulnerable. He has super ventriloquism--okay, so not everyone's a winner. He's only slightly less powerful than Michael Eisner. In short, he can do almost anything. (I mean there's that whole, "Can he make a boulder that he can't move" paradox, but that's making our hero a little grandiose, isn't it?)
Now consider Superman's training and education. He was educated on Earth, but was trained by a Kryptonian robot built by Jor-El for the purpose. Moreover his education was enhanced by the Kryptonian science he picked up in Kandor, by the alien science he picked up in his travels, and by the fact that he doesn't forget anything; not even his anniversary, if he had an anniversary.
Finally consider Superman's history, where he's from and what he's lost. He's the last survivor of an incredibly advanced world. (Oh, don't get technical on me. I know there's also Supergirl; Superdog; Supermonkey; everyone in Kandor; the Phantom Zone criminals; assorted pre-Phantom-Zone criminals placed in suspended animation then sent into orbit; assorted other Kryptonians, who actually believed Jor-El and put themselves into suspended animation and then orbit; and the many, many assorted other Kryptonians who survived for assorted other reasons during the last twenty-odd years, including Supergirl's parents in the Survival Zone, the aforementioned dog and monkey, dragons, robots and a few dozens I've probably forgotten.) So Superman's the one hundred eighty-seventh survivor of an incredible, advanced world, he still lost his planet of origin due to stupidity and short sightedness. ("Now, Jor-El, we know we've been having Kryptonquakes for months now, and we know you're our top scientistl, and we know that you haven't been wrong about anything before, but we still think you've missed the boat on this whole unstable uranium core thing. The whole planet's going to explode? Have you been smoking thought beast horns again?")
Superman is a cosmic orphan. The last thing in the world he'd want to see is himself as the last thing in the world again. So you'd think Superman would do almost anything to keep the people of Earth from destroying themselves, wouldn't you?
Well you'd be wrong.
Yes, Superman defends Earth against alien developers who want to tear down the planet and erect a ZRXXQ's Big Boy. And he fights super villains, who want to conquer Earth and force everyone to wear their shoes on the wrong feet. But he doesn't do anything to keep man from destroying himself.
Does Superman, for example, destroy all nuclear arsenals, then tell the world's leaders if they can't play nice together he'll make them all sit in a corner? (The corner of 43rd and Broadway springs to mind.) Does he move pollution belching factories to the moon with a connecting shuttle service? (For the nicer offenders, it could even be a two-way shuttle.) Does he gather unused food from the far reaches of the Earth or the even farther reaches of the galaxy to feed the hungry and starving? (A service which is unnecessary here in the U.S. Just ask our government. We don't have any documented, hungry, only abused soup kitchens.) Does he even tell George Steinbrenner to let someone manage the Yankees for longer than the average new NBC series?
No. No. No. And, oh yes, no.
Why not? Well there's several reasons; the real reason, the one the writers give, and the one Superman gives. Let's explore them, shall we? (You might as well say, yes, I'd doing it anyway and you're coming along for the ride.)
The real reason is that Superman comics have to sell. If they don't sell, they won't be published. Which is more likely to sell twenty-two pages of Superman whomping missile silos and smoke stacks, or five pages of forced characterization followed by seventeen pages of Superman fighting the new Brainiac, while handicapped by a Red-Kryptonite-created extra big toe?
If you're still pondering that one, does Superman IV: the Quest for Peace strike a responsive chord in your memory?
Next, there's the reason the writers give: Superman is supposed to happen in the real world, our world, the one outside our window with the Grand Canyon and cockroaches, Beethoven and Cabbage Patch Kids. (Yes, I know our world is Earth Prime, while Superman fights on either Earth One or Earth Two, Ultra Man is on Earth Three, Captain Carrot is on Earth C, Marvel-DC cross-overs are on Earth Somewhere-Over-the Rainbow, and Slinky-Man fights the Silly Puttier on Earth FAO Schwartz. Ignore them. Such omniversal considerations miss the point.) When we read a Superman story, we're supposed to think it's happening on our world. So we can't read about Superman solving the world's problems in a comic, when he hasn't solved them in the world right outside our window.
(He hasn't solved them, has he? I know the local paper here is pretty provincial, eschewing coverage of such minutia as nuclear arms reduction for the latest abandoned warehouse fire or manager hunt for the baseball team. But even the local paper could find someplace on page twenty-eight to report about Superman solving all the world's problems. It might be in Column Six, but it would be there.)
The reason Superman gives is that he doesn't want to retard man's development by making man too dependant on a superman. That reason is buffalo bagels.
Mankind has a viable solution for nuclear arms control, arms reduction. The problem is that reduction requires a system of verification, which has eluded us. Verification would be no problem to old X-ray eyes. (And Superman's other super senses would compensate, if someone started putting their weapons in lead silos.)
Mankind has a solution for pollution, installing scrubbers and other pollution control devices on pollution creators. There are some truly effective scrubbers in the planning stage, which are not being used, because they would be so ungodly expensive to install. Superman could install them at a fraction of the cost.
Mankind has several potential solutions to the hunger problem, the creation of higher yield crops, advanced hydroponics or converting presently unarable land into farm land are among them. Development of the first two is only just beginning however a good source of irrigation could turn acres of desert into farms. One suggestion for the water source is move an iceberg to the desert. But that would cost more than it book to produce all four Star Wars movies and their Special Editions combined. Quite a lot more to be honest. Superman could fly an iceberg to the Sahara at no cost, letting the ice attone for that whole Titanic thing, and still get home for breakfast.
And just because we'd be using Superman in the solutions, wouldn't mean we were too dependant on him or that he was retarding development. We use the sun, it isn't retarding development. Rather, because it is there, we develop solutions to problems incorporating it. Just as we could develop solutions to problems incorporating Superman, because he was there. We wouldn't be waiting for Superman to solve our problems, we'd just be coming up with solutions he could help us implement, and is that too much to ask?
Superman doesn't help solve the world's problems, because he's a wimp, who doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions. Or he was anyway. Was until Superman # 394, that is. Now Superman fights polluters.
So why aren't I happy about Superman # 394? Because of the way in which Superman fought polluters, that's why. Superman broke the law and violated several persons' constitutional rights. (But I bet you could guess that was the reason. After all this column is "The Law Is a Ass" even though it may seem like "Bob's Kvetch of the Week." I had to sneak the law in somewhere.),
Polluters, whether you believe it or not, are people too, which means they have constitutional rights, including the right to enjoy their property. The only way that Superman or the courts or anyone can prevent them from using their property as they see fit, including polluting, is through some legal procedures, which afford the polluters due process of law.
Some due process existed in Superman # 394. Up to a point. Clark Kent and others secured court orders and injunctions against the three worst polluters in Metropolis, The orders presumably said something like: pollution is a danger to society as a whole. An individual's enjoyment of his property cannot endanger society. You are ordered not to operate your factory, until such time as you can reduce its pollution output to safe levels. (But that's just a paraphrase, I'm sure the actual order had much longer words in it.) So far so good. The polluters had a chance to represent their interests in court, before Judge Medowar issued his injunctions. That's called due process. (By the way, great judge name there. Medowar? Who were the polluters, Lorluvasmog.?)
So far, so good. Then it turned bad. See, Superman became annoyed, because a whole weak had passed and the polluters hadn't complied with the injunctions yet. Not surprising, really. The polluters were probably appealing and had secured stays of execution on the injunction, until the appeals were over. That's what usually happens. Superman calls Judge Medowar, apparently the only judge allowed to hear pollution cases and Metropolis' answer to the catalytic converter, and Medowar issues three ex parte orders condemning the polluting factories. Then Superman carries out the condemnation order by destroying the factories.
Two legal terms from the preceding sentence must be explained. An ex parte order is one issued by a judge at the urging of only one side in a law suit. The other side is not present and, obviously, doesn't have a chance to defend itself. "Condemn" doesn't mean trash talking here, it means to invoke the doctrine of eminent domain, by which governments can, for the good of the people, purchase property from its owners, even if the owners don't want to sell it, and put it to a different use. In other words, Judge Medowar ordered that the factories be replaced by non-polluting factories, and Superman gleefully tore them down as a first step.
So isn't that a good thing? Superman tears down the dirty factories, so that they can be replaced by clean factories? (I'm not convinced of the cleaner part. At one point a nuclear power plant is to be replaced by a coal burning plant. Whatever reservations you may have about nuclear energy, coal is still one of the dirtiest, most-air-fouling substances on Earth. It is also one of the major causes of acid rain. It's about as clean campaign contributions. Still, you pays your money and you chooses your poison.)
It would have been a good thing, if Superman and Medowar had followed the law. As they didn't follow the law, however, they violated the polluters' constitutional rights and left themselves open to be sued for mega-bucks.
Condemnations, you see, aren't automatic. There's that whole annoying Constitution and its guarantee of no deprivation of property without due process of law. Before governments can take another's property, there must be a public hearing or trial at which some tribunal declares the taking to be for the public good. Property owners have an absolute right to appear at the hearing to challenge the taking. A condemnation without the prior hearing is taking property without due process of law.
It's also a no-no.
In Superman # 394 there was no hearing, before the condemnation. Superman calls Medowar, the polluters are not on the line. Medowar condemns the factories, but the polluters aren't there to defend. (Not that it would have mattered. Based on Medowar's actions, he obviously got a bigger war chest from the Sierra Club, then he did from the pollution lobby.) Six-and-one-half minutes later Superman implements the order by destroying the factories. Not only didn't the owners have a chance to defend their property rights in court, the fact that the property is now gone renders any appeal rather moot. There isn't a scintilla of due process of law in the whole procedure.
Now I'm not in favor of pollution or polluters. But I am in favor of the law. Everyone, even polluters, is entitled to equal protection under the law. If polluters can be denied that protection, if their property can be taken by the ex parte unilateral, immediate, and unappealable actions of a judge and an incredibly powerful man in a day-glo suit, then the law doesn't work.
Superman # 394 bothered me. It bothered me, because violating someone's constitutional rights was portrayed as being good, and because the violation was unnecessary. If Judge Medowar had ordered Superman to install scrubbers in the factories and that the owners pay for it, the pollution would have stopped, but the owners wouldn't have lost any property. (They could appeal the order that they pay for the scrubbers, before paying. That way they would at least have had due process.)
It bothered me, because its writer, Elliot S! Maggin, announced in CBG his intention to run for Congress. If Maggin's grasp of the Constitution is so weak, what kind of congressman will he make? (I'd say excellent, but my mother told me I should leave the easy ones for some one else.)
Finally Superman # 394 bothers me, because after decades of not involving himself in mankind's problems, this is how Superman acts, by breaking the law and violating the Constitution?
Better he should have 'stayed a wimp!
BOB INGERSOLL
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