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THE LAW IS A ASS for 11/23/1999
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 19
Originally published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 537
March 2, 1984 issue
I'm starting to understand how it's going to feel for our distant ancestors, when they open up one of those time capsules that we keep plugging into our arable ground in the mistaken solipsism that one hundred years from now anyone is going to give a rat's rectum about what TV shows we were watching or which headache remedy we preferred. I open up these old columns in order to prepare them for reprinting here in World Famous Comics, and what do I find? My past buried in them.
Where else but in a time capsule or here--a web page reprinting what was the 14th installment I wrote for Comics Buyer's Guide--will you find early-80's memorabilia like references to "I Cover the Newsstand," the column Tony Isabella used to write for CBG, or wisecracks about how the late John Houseman, in addition to playing Professor Kinsgfield on The Paper Chase, did ad campaigns for such diverse products as Puritan Oil and Smith Barney. (Boy, casting commercials were so much easier back then. Only Bill Cosby and John Houseman did them. If Cos was too busy for a spot, you just called Houseman. Casting directors only needed two actor's agency numbers in their speed dials.)
Plus, if that's not enough, you also get a heaping helping of legal analysis of four old comic-book stories presented this week in something of a strange way, because I was looking for a change or pace. It's a veritable Thanksgiving feast of legal analysis and history!
And you complained about not getting enough bang for your buck.
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 19
by
Bob Ingersoll
I was sitting in my office, staring at a blank eight-and-one-half by eleven inch piece of white in my typewriter, wondering why words weren't appearing to fill it up and puzzled by the fact that I was thinking like the beginning of an "I Cover the Newsstand," when the Professor appeared before me. I recognized him immediately, and would have, even if he hadn't been carrying a bottle of Puritan Oil. But I wondered why he was in my office.
I decided the direct approach was the best, so I asked him, "Professor, why are you in my office?"
"I am the Spirit of Law School Past," he intoned in his own inimitable way.
"That doesn't exactly answer the question, Sir."
"You pass yourself off as an attorney, Mr. Ingersoll. More, you write a newspaper column about the law. It is my responsibility, as the representative of law schools, to insure that you are qualified to discuss the topics about which you write. For if you are not, you reflect poorly on law schools everywhere.
"For example I know that you intend to write a column about courtroom procedure in criminal matters and its portrayal in the American comic book. I am here to verify that you are sufficiently versed in the subject to give a good accounting of yourself."
"But why you, Professor?"
"Because I have come to epitomize law school professors to the public."
"I meant, why are you here over criminal procedure, your forte is contracts."
"I teach contracts, yes. I am, however, an expert in all aspects of the law. Now let us begin."
"Just exactly what is it you intend to do?"
"To test you, Mr. Ingersoll. To probe the cylinders of your mind. To satisfy myself that you think like, a lawyer. To make sure that you acquired your legal knowledge the old fashioned way, you learned it."
"What if you're not satisfied?"
"Then I cannot allow you to write your column any longer. Are you prepared? Good, then let us begin.
"First recite on the case of State of New York v. John Doe."
"The cite is The Incredible Hulk # 293. .
"In my classroom, Mr. Ingersoll, one stands, when he recites."
"I'll pass on that, if you don't mind, Professor. After all, we're not in your classroom, we're in my office, and I'd rather be comfortable for this."
He stared at me, his eyes wide. I thought, for a moment he was having a seizure. Then the faintest hint of a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "Proceed. Fill the room with your brilliance"
"John Doe tried to kill Bruce Banner because of some damage and destruction caused by Banner's alter ego, the Hulk. At Doe's arraignment, defense attorney, Matt Murdock, makes an impassioned plea about extenuating circumstances and the district attorney, swayed by Matt's argument, drops the charges."
"And your opinion as to how said facts relate to criminal procedure?" "That wouldn't happen at an arraignment. At arraignments they take pleas and set bonds, they don't listen to impassioned arguments from defense attorneys about why charges should be dropped . The procedure depicted in Hulk # 293 was probably a preliminary or probable cause hearing."
"That is wrong, Mr. Ingersoll. In Ohio probable cause is determined in a preliminary bearing, so you assumed that the same to be true in New York. But you did not bother to research the law of New York, did you? Had you done so, you would have discovered that in New York the probable cause hearing is called an arraignment. The depiction of criminal procedure found in The Incredible Hulk # 292, while romanticized and dramatic, is essentially correct.
"Even to the part about district attorneys actually listening to defense attorneys?"
The Professor ignored me and continued with his agenda. "Incidently, you made a similar mistake in your second column. You misinformed your readers that the probable cause proceeding in New York was a preliminary hearing instead of an arraignment. I believe you owe them an apology.
(Sorry about that.)
"Now the case of State of New York v. Juan Santiago."
"Cite Marvel Team-Up # 140. Juan Santiago is being arraigned for participation in a riot and for aggravated murder. At the conclusion of the proceeding the judge sets a trial date for one week later. That couldn't be."
"And why not?"
"If an arraignment is for probable cause, then the grand jury hasn't returned an indictment. Before a trial could start the grand jury would have to indict, then the defendant would have to enter a plea of not guilty. There's no way that all that could happen in one week."
"Colloquially expressed but correct. However the New York plea proceeding is called an arraignment on the indictment, what if by 'arraignment,' the comic meant the arraignment on the indictment?"
"It couldn't be. The riot and shooting occurred only the night before. There wasn't enough time for both a probable cause arraignment and an indictment, so the procedure had to be the first arraignment, that is the probable cause hearing."
"And your analysis of the case?"
"The writers had an understanding of how criminal courts work, but sacrificed that understanding for a drama by giving Spider-Man, Black Widow, and Daredevil only one week to build Juan's defense. Unfortunately, dramatic mediums like comic books, TV or movies often sacrifice accurate portrayals of court room procedure to heighten the drama with artificial 'ticking clocks.' Why even such prestigious shows as The Paper Chase indulge in this form of inaccuracy."
"Editorializations are not necessary," the Professor interrupted quickly. "Next, the case of State of New York v. Benjamin Grimm."
"Cite Marve1 Two-In-One # 37. Ben Grimm has been arrested for willful destruction of public property, to wit: a city bus. At his preliminary hearing..."
" 'Preliminary hearing. Have we not already established that New York state's criminal trial procedure lacks such a proceeding. Explain."
"The story refers to what's going on as a 'preliminary hearing,' but it really was what New York calls an arraignment, that is a probable cause hearing.
"At this probable cause hearing Matt Murdock addresses a jury. Already, there's a problem. There is no jury in a probably cause hearing. In a probable cause hearing, the prosecution puts on a miniature form of its case and the presiding judge determines if there's probable cause to believe Ben Grimm committed the crime he had been charged with. At this state of the criminal proceedings, Ben wouldn't have been indicted yet, so he's not on trial and there's no jury for Matt to make impassioned pleas to.
"But there are more problems. After the judge finds probable cause, he binds the case over to the grand jury. In this story the grand jury was that jury sitting over there in the jury box. Then, the grand jury retires and deliberates with, if we're to believe what's said on Page 27, Panel 1, the trial judge presiding over the grand jury deliberations. The grand jury indicts Ben, so he will stand trial. Finally there was the cover, which features the same the same judge leaning over to the Thing and saying, 'You're guilty, Benjamin Grirnm! I sentence you to 20 years!'
"Nothing in this comic was correct.
"First, the grand jury is not present during a probable cause hearing. If the judge finds probable cause, then the grand jury gets the case in another room on a different day. The grand jury is never at a probable cause hearing. If they were, they'd be swayed by the judge's decision. They'd say, well the judge just decided the defendant did it, what the hell are we arguing over?
"Second, no judge sits in on a grand jury's deliberations. They deliberate without anyone but themselves there, so that their decision is theirs and theirs alone and not one influenced by a judge or a prosecutor.
"This story reads like the writer asked some first-year law student friend of his, what happens before a criminal trial starts and got the answer, 'there's a probable cause hearing, then a grand jury hears the case and returns an indictment.' So, the writer assumed it all happened in the same room at the same time and wrote it that way.
"Finally, the cover is misleading. Ben Grimm never stood trial, he was only indicted. No one found him guilty, so the judge couldn't sentence him. And even if he could, Ben wouldn't get twenty years. He was only charged with willful destruction of public property. That's only be a fourth-degree felony carrying a sentence of five years, maybe ten, but never twenty. Again the desire for the dramatic--here a whopping great sentence on the cover to entice the reader to buy the comic--interfered with the story's accuracy.
"Well, legal accuracy, anyway. As the story had no accuracy in any detail, you can't really say anything interfered with the story's accuracy. That's kind of like saying butter interferes with Rosanne's diet.
The Professor looked at me with a emotionless stone face. Apparently jokes didn't interfere with his sense of humor, either. What was worse, I had no idea if I was passing.
"Finally, Mr. Ingersoll, the case of The State of New York v. Grace Moore."
"Vigilante # 4."
"That is the correct cite. Now see if you can give a proper recitation regarding the issue, without engaging in your usual hysteria about the character."
"Grace Moore is being tried for the murder of her husband. During the course of her trial she testifies, after being called by the district attorney.
"Mistake number one. The Fifth amendment to the Constitution forbids a person being forced to testify against herself. So, the district attorney could not call Ms. Moore as a State's witness without violating the Fifth Amendment."
"Correct."
"I was also troubled by Adrian Chase's comment that as a friend of the DA, he got a pass to see the trial. The Constitution guarantees everyone an open and public trial. Anyone can attend a trial, you don't need passes, not even if you're a former DA who's now a bothersome costumed hero."
"Perhaps, because Miss Moore was a popular actress the public interest in the case was high, prompting the state to issue passes, so as not to overcrowd the court room. Did you consider that possibility, Mr. Ingersoll?"
"Yes. But the story makes no mention that this was a special procedure. It implies that passes are always needed, so is wrong in the implication."
"Very well. That is the last case in my little examination."
"Did I pass?"
"Your grade was a C+, sufficient for you to continue to write your column. However improvement would be in order."
And then he was gone, taking his Puritan Oil with him, and leaving me with a typewriter and a blank piece of paper I still had to fill with a column. Somehow.
Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.
BOB INGERSOLL
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