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Join us each Tuesday as Bob Ingersoll analyzes how the law
is portrayed in comics then explains how it would really work.
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THE LAW IS A ASS for 01/22/2002
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 129
Originally written as installment # 118 and published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 716, August 7, 1987 issue
Okay, this is where I give you the pithy, behind-the-scenes stuff that's supposed to be both entertaining and as revealing as a fan dancer in air conditioning. Except for today.
What's to add? I had, basically three things to sayand also about that many jokes. I said them, told them, then moved on. So should you. Me to my next column, you to this one.
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 129
by
Bob Ingersoll
Famous authors named Wolfe notwithstanding; you can go home again.
Back when this column was aborning, there was one constant I could always count on for material, The Flash. My second column was about Flash and his murder trial. So was my eighteenth, my twenty-fifth, my forty-third, my forty-ninth, my fifty-seventh, my...
Well you get the idea. The Flash and it's "the Trial of the Flash" storyline served me well in my formative years.
Then they ended the trial and killed Barry Allen. I haven't written about The Flash since, even though they revived the book with a new title character. So I'm glad to welcome Flash back to this column for the first time with the fifth issue.
For a set-up, understand that Wally (the new Flash) West won six million dollars in the New York Lottery. He bought a thirty-three room mansion in Southampton, a small town forty miles inland on Long Island. He wanted come peace and quiet. In issue five his comic, however, we learn something threatens all that peace and quiet.
The town is going to lose (or has already lostthis particular point wasn't made clear) its liability insurance, because a super-hero lives within its boundaries. I've discussed the consequences that super-heroes and super-villains would have on liability insurance before. I've opined that the liability insurance premiums in Metropolis have to be much higher than those in Goose Neck, Montana, because of all the damage that your average Superman/oversized, super-charged villain battle would cause. The same is also true for New York, Gotham City, Midway City, or any other metropolis which plays host to a super-hero.
You see, living in an area with such huge potential for wholesale property damage tends to make one a bad insurance risk. This, in turn, causes premiums to skyrocket. It works that way in real lifemy auto insurance rates are higher than many, because Cleveland ranks something like third in the nation in car thefts per capitaso why shouldn't it work that way in comics? (Well, yes, I probably could give you something like seventeen reasons why not. But that's not the point of this column, is it?)
According to Flash # 5, this peaceful, quiet community of millionaires into which Wally West moved has a clause in its municipal liability insurance policy which permits the underwriter to cancel the policy, if a super-hero ever moves into the city. Presumably the city did this, because the underwriter threatened them with high rates, if they didn't have the clause. So many super-heroes are multi-multi-millionaires who could afford to live in such rich, fancy neighborhoods, and, in fact do so. So the city fathers of Southampton to escape from the high premiums that buying super-hero coverage would require instead opted to give the underwriter an opt-out clause.
Here's my problem: millionaires live in Southamptonpeople who pay out more to their city in property tax each quarter than you or I make in a year. Southampton should not be hurting for money. And, it's awful close to lots of super-heroes. Even if Mighty Duck Man doesn't live within the city limits, it's likely that some fight between the Magnificent Mallard and his arch enemy, Dr. L'Orange, could head up the Long Island Expressway and land in Southampton anyway. So, because someone let the underwriter chip super-hero coverage out of their piece of the rock, should there ever be a super-powered fight there, they're basically on their own.
It seem's selly, but Southampton decided to go chintzy on its insurance and opt-out on the super-hero coverage. Why? I considered the possibility that Scrooge McDuck was a Councilman. I rejected it. If that were true, the city fathers would spend so much money defending and losing all the trademark infringement suits from Disney, there wouldn't be any money left for insurance.
So, I still wondered why the town was so cheap on its insurance. (Hell, even the poor public defender penning this column has the first-class, geared for inflation policy on his substantially less than thirty-three room house with the indoor swimming poolformerly called a basement.)
Then, at the end of the story, I discovered the reason. It seems that Southampton has a Texaco fuel oil depot within the city limits. A nice, safe, highly explosive, extremely dangerous fuel oil depot. No wonder the city didn't want super-hero coverage; they're blowing all their dough insuring a fire hazard.
******
There is some sort of push to reform super-villains by making them work for the government in return for a pardon. Witness the Freedom Force (nee the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants) in X-Men, the Suicide Squad, and the Liberty Project. I have one question: why?
I'll give you a reason why not: Captain America # 334. In this story, the Super Patriot has replaced Steve Rogers as Captain America. If you don't know why, go read the book for yourself. It's one of the most interesting Cap stories in years.
Anyway, the new Captain America is in training learning how to master the tricks of the old Captain America. He isn't getting the hang of it. In his line of work, that could be as fatal as playing Chicken on a one-lane bridge over the Grand Canyon.
In an effort to train the new Captain America, the government hired the Taskmastera super-villain with "photographic reflexes" who can instantly learn and duplicate any physical feat he seesas a super-tutor. In return for Taskmaster's cooperation, the government promised to lop a few years off his sentence. I had a problem with this.
Not with the legality of the situation. A government, by way of the chief-executive officer, does have the power to pardon a prisoner or commute his sentence in whole or in part. My problem was in trusting Taskmaster to do the job right.
I'm basically an honest man. I've defended people charged with fraud schemes which were incredibly obvious, but which never occurred to me. I don't think that way. The point I'm trying to make (other than being incredibly self-serving) is this: if I think of a way to be criminal, then it must be really obvious.
When I learned of Taskmaster's task, I immediately knew what I would do, if I were in his place. I'd train the new Captain American just enough to make him look good but get killed in battle. No one would be able to prove a thing. I'd get to off a super-hero and get a pardon for my efforts.
I am suspect of this wholesale trusting of super-villains with which we are suddenly confronted in the pages of the comics. I'd sooner trust Tammy Faye Bakker to show restraint with cosmetics.
******
Finally, this comes from the There Outta Be a Law Department.Two Justice League stories came out in June, 1987, Justice League # 6 and Justice League Annual # 1. In Justice League # 1, the League fights the Gray Man, who possessed Captain Marvel. In Justice League Annual # 1, the League fought extra-terrestrials who possessed everyone.
They say that possession is nine-tenths of the law. This month, Justice League gave us two stories of possession. That's eighteen-tenths, which even the most elementary mathematics says is too much.
Bob Ingersoll
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