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THE LAW IS A ASS for 01/29/2002
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 130
Originally written as installment # 119 and published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 723, September 25, 198 issue
This is one of those columns that's a real time capsule for me. Reading it reminds me of a time in my life where everything in my life was either an incredible high or an equally incredible low. There was really no middle ground.
On the low was what was going on in my day job, which I describe more fully in the column. On the other hand, it also reminds me of my first trip to Los Angeles with my family. Los Angeles basically evokes one of two responses from peoplethey either love it or they hate it. I fall into the former category. I love LA, am one of the few people I know who would like to live there and when I leave, I can't wait to go back. A highlight of every year is the San Diego Con trip rolls around, which I do as much to be able to go up to LA after the show as I do for the actual con. Since this column first appeared, in 1987, I have missed only one San Diego/LA trip, the 1988 trip. I haven't missed a trip since then. Nor do I plan to. And, in case you think I'm kidding, just to show you how serious I am about my "can't wait" attitude, I booked my plane reservations for the 2002 San Diego Convention and subsequent trip up to LA in October of 2001.
Back to the highs and lows, I make passing reference in the column, to some success I had in the San Diego convention in finding some regular comic-book writing work. I said in the column that I didn't want to make any formal announcements until things were more finalizeddidn't want to jinx myself.
Now it can be told.
What I was talking about primarily was the fact that I had landed my first gig as the regular writer of an on-going comic-book series. Talk about your highs. What can also be toldmoving quickly to the lowswas that said on-going assignment was The Bringers one of Blackthorne's Timeline comics; it's attempt to do a coherent super-hero universe.
Blackthorne and "Timeline Comics" elicit one of three basic responses. None of them particularly good.
If you're going "Who? What?" that should tell you about how successful Blackthorne Comics or its Timeline books were.
If, on the other hand, the words "Blackthrone" or "Timeline books" elicit either a sympathetic nod, you're one of those comic-book readers who actually remembers Blackthorne Comics. The company lasted, maybe, five years. The Timeline books lasted so short a time, that about four issues of the "Timeline" books came out and no issue of The Bringers, the comic I was writing for them ever appeared. To say Blackthorne didn't make a dent in the comic-book industry wouldn't be honest unless it can honestly be said that a fly makes a dent in the windshield of a runaway Mack truck.
Finally, if you're one of the people for whom the words "Blackthrone" or "Timeline books" elicit anger and rage, then you either one of creators, like me, who were owed money when Blackthrone went out of business or one of the distributors who were owned money when Blackthorne went out of business.
As I said, high and lowregular gig; Blackthorne's Timeline Comics.
But, I must confess, other than the column being a personal time capsule, it really has little else to distinguish it. In re-reading it, I'm convinced that it shows another low in my life, to wit: my bio-rhythms at the time of writing it must have been at a low ebb. As columns go, it's really rather undistinguished. All it really does is explain why there was a seven-week absence between column installments.
Oh, and for the record, if you're interested in that explanation and what Dorothy Parker really did say, you should track down a book about her and look it up.
I wasn't lying, I really can't repeat it
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 130
by
Bob Ingersoll
I am reminded of the response of the late Dorothy Parker, when she was asked the why of her long absence from the typewriter, the quote that ends, "And vice versa.". (Don't worry, Don and Maggie, I'm only reminded of her response; I know I can't repeat it. Those of you who wonder why I can't repeat it, look up the line yourselves. The exercise will do you good.) However, I still wanted to explain why my column has been absent for so long.
I've been busy.
There, having answered everyone's question, I will now...
Oh, all right, if you want a more complete answer, I can give it to you.
I've been really busy.
Satisfied?
No? Boy, this is a tough audience.
Okay, one very complete answer coming up. It's summer: convention and travel season. I went to both the Chicago and San Diego Conventions. After the San Diego convention, I spent a week in San Diego and Los Angeles, because I owed my family a nice vacation. The fact that I got to go along was a bonus.
That's part of the answer. The next part is that in my real world job, you know as Cleveland based Public Defender, I'm suffering from overload. A year ago there were five attorneys in the division where I work. Today there are two, myself and my supervisor. The Supervisor's leaving in October. Then I get to be supervisor of the whole staff, me. (Bob, I'll say to my staff, get to work!) What makes things worse, at a time that the staff compliment is reduced by sixty per cent, the case load is up like forty per cent. The result should be obvious: on those days when I don't have to take work home, I'm so spent that I can't bear to face the multi-faceted terrors of keyboard, mouse, cursor and blank screen. (Especially that blank screen part) Rumor has it that next week, we're getting two new attorneys, so things stand to get better. (Of course, to get worse, I'd have to lose all sense of touch in my typing fingers.)
The last part of the answer has to do with my preparing some other projects and proposals for presentation at the conventions. These have met with some success, although it is much too early to make any formal announcements. Let's let things get a little farther along, shall we? Wouldn't want to jinx myself.
******
Now as I was saying earlier, having answered your question, I wanted to ask you one of my own. Say you suddenly found yourself possessed with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men; or say you had developed this real unhealthy obsession and you decide to become a costumed super-hero. Let's suppose further that you don't want to sew your own costume, because that distinctive stitch you learned in the Sea Scouts would reveal your true identityor because you sew as well as I do, and your costume would look like you picked it up at Boutique Frankenstein. What would you do to get a costume?
Would you commit major felonies like breaking and entering, theft, and vandalism? I didn't think so. Neither would Harlan Ellison, who pointed out the super-hero who did.
That's exactly what Jim Harper did after he was beaten up and decided to become The Guardian. (It's funny how these things can slip past you. I first read the Guardian's origin from Star Spangled Comics # 7 years before I was an attorney, or doing this column, and thought nothing of it. I read the remake in Secret Origins # 19 years after I was an attorney and doing this column. I still thought nothing of it, probably because it was familiar.)
Still that's what happened. After rookie policeman Jim Harper was beaten up by some hoods in Suicide Slum, rookie policeman he decides to get even. He staggers to a nearby costume shop. He forces the door open, unless the owners were stupid enough to have left it unlockedwhich is possible. The owners were stupid enough to put a costume shop in the middle of Suicide Slum. (I imagine the local inhabitants have about as much chance of being invited to a masquerade, as I do of being the keynote speaker for the William Rehnquist Fan Club.) Then he looks around in haste so as not to, "trip over a burglar alarm," and takes a costume for his own use. (Remember that burglar alarm line. It proves that Guardian wasn't temporarily out of his mind, because of the beating. He knew what he was doing was wrong.)
That, dear readers, trespassing in an unoccupied structure with the intention of committing a theft offense is breaking and entering. It's a felony.
When Guardian took the costume, he deprived the owner of property without the owner's consent. That is theft. Yes, Guardian left some money behind to pay for the costumeat least he did in the original version of the story; I couldn't find that line in the retellingand that may have been a good faith effort. But Guardian had no idea how much the costume he stole cost. If he didn't leave enough money, it was still a theft.
This theft was probably a felony. Back in the forties a theft of over one hundred dollars was a felony. I estimate the items takenespecially the shield, about which we will talk more soonwere worth enough to get over jurisdictional amount.
These acts showed poor judgment on the Guardian's part. He started his career as a super-hero by breaking the law. Worse yet, Guardian was a cop, even if ignorance of the law were an excuse, he couldn't argue it. (Doesn't matter that he's only a rookie cop, they must teach rudimentary criminal law in the Police Academy; how else can they always tell a 502 from a 439?)
For the record, Harper's actions also showed poor taste. The costume shop in question had on stock, one Flash Gordon costume, Prince Valiant's Sunday clothes, the original Captain Marvel's original suit, the Face's face, Hawkman's mask, Adam Strange's helmet and what does Harper choose? A cobalt colored spandex body suit and yellow crash helmet. He looked like a blueberry with a beanie!
Guardian's thought process didn't improve any as he went along either. He decided he needed a shield. (Well, that part did show better thinking. Crooks shoot. Shooting kills. Guardian needed some protection other than the notorious bad aim of the bad guys in order to be secure in his chosen profession.) So Guardian looked for a shield.
The store had three, the yellow one he took, Captain America's original pointed shield, and Captain America's current round shield. He rejected Cap's current shieldprobably for trademark reasonswithout even trying it. Still, he had to chose between the two remaining shields. He decided to see which was stronger. He did this by clanging them together. When Cap's original shield broke, he decided to take the other shield.
While that was, perhaps, a wise choice, it was an unwise action. Causing destruction to someone else's property which is used by that someone in his professionlike a shield for sale in a costume shopis vandalism. (I know these things, because I own law books. Guardian is supposed to know these things, because in his civilian identity he's supposed to uphold the law books. What happened?)
Vandalism is a felony, if the property vandalized was worth more than the jurisdictional amount and, for the purposes of this column, I'll assume the broken shield was. It's my column, and I can do that if I want to. Custom of the trade permits newspaper columnists to be arbitrary and dictatorial, whenever they want.
Summing up, in order to become a super-hero, Guardian committed three felonies, showed questionable poor taste in his wardrobe and poor judgment in his actions.
Would it be presumptuous of me to say, "Tsk. Tsk?"
******
Let me end this column with a warning. In Badger # 29 we meet a short tempered behemoth who hates lawyers and wants to punch out any lawyer he meets. In Titan's Jeff Hawke Book Two we learn of a society which subjects lawyers to the same punishment as their clients, if the clients are found guilty--even the death penalty, because they figure the lawyer will try his best that way. Both of these concepts caused me great worry and discomfort, as I fretted over the possibility that either might come true.
Here's the warning: the law recognizes the tort of intentional infliction of emotional distress. So the next time some comic writer wants to make fun of an entire profession, he or she is advised not to pick one where each member knows someone who can prepare and file the papers real cheap.
Bob Ingersoll
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