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THE LAW IS A ASS for 04/02/2002
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 138
Originally written as installment # 125 and published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 735, December 18, 1987 issue
So where was I last week? In Connecticut.
And where was my column? Unfortunately, not in Connecticut.
Last week I was running around so much getting ready for my trip, that I lost track of things, such as what I had done. I though I had prepared a column and sent it off to Justin to appear on March 26.
I hadn't. And by the time I realized this--March 26, to be exact--it was too late. I was in Connecticut. The unfinished column was in Ohio with no way coming to find me.
So I missed a week. Sorry.
I can say, however, that it won't happen again. I can say it, because I'm not under oath. It's a win-win. By saying it, I get to look utterly selfless and dedicated to you, my loyal readers. And, even if I screw up and it does happen again, you can't come back and prosecute me.
******
"The Law is a Ass"
Installment # 138
by
Bob Ingersoll
I have written before of the curse which doing this column for over four years has placed on me; I can no longer read a comic--any comic--at face value. Now I analyze everything. If I read a story where Superman sues Jor-El and Lara for non-support or their minor child, I immediately I start to wonder whether it's legally accurate. I read a story where Peter Parker is invited back to his high school alma matter as a substitute teacher (Web of Spider-Man # 35), and I question if such a thing is legally possible. Could Peter--who, to the best of my knowledge has never taken an education course in his life--actually get a temporary substitute teacher certificate from his old high school principal? Could he then be a substitute teacher in his old high school?
Fortunately, I spent three years in law school learning where to go to look up the answer. In this case, because we're talking about the New York State laws pertaining to certification of public- school teacher, you go to the local law library and read McKinney's Consolidated Law of New York, Annotated where you will find the New York State laws pertaining to certification of public school teachers.
And I hope you appreciate the sacrifice I underwent for you. Reading statutes is about as stimulating as watching paper yellow.
Nevertheless, I persevered. I know Ohio has a whole passel of laws regulating education, including some laws which control who can and cannot be a substitute teacher. I figured New York had similar laws.
It does.
Six volumes worth!
(Why do I get myself into these things?)
Nevertheless, I still persevered. I do it all for you. (That paycheck I get from Krause has nothing to do with it.) Of course, the reason I was able to do it all for you was because I was lucky; the answers were in Volume One. If they had happened to be in Volume Five, all bets would have been off.
Under New York Education Law§3001, no one shall be employed or authorized to teach in a New York public school, unless he is over eighteen and possesses a teaching certificate issued under the authority of the New York Education Laws or a diploma issued upon the successful completion of a course of study in a state teacher's college.
We know Peter wasn't a dedicated, educated educator from Decatur State Teacher's College. He want to Empire State University and didn't take a single education course. At least we didn't see him take any, so for the sake of this column I get to arbitrarily decide that he didn't take any. (He should have. Peter had problems keeping up his Grade Point Average in college. Well, take it from a former participant of a state university's education certification program, nothing can bring up the old GPA like a few education courses.)
Pete doesn't have a teaching certification because of his collegiate course of study. Therefore, he would have had to obtain one in some other way issued under the authority of the Education Laws.
I looked further, to see if that were possible.
NYEdLaw§30001-a permits a temporary teaching permit for resident aliens, who have applied for citizenship but have been temporarily closed out because of quota requirements. As Pete isn't from Krypton or Thanagar, this section doesn't apply.
I looked further.
NYEdLaw§3006 permits the Commissioner of Education to issue a temporary certificate upon the request of school authorities to employ persons having unusual qualifications in a specific subject to teach as visiting lecturers. This sounded promising. After further thought, however, I decided it did not apply to Peter.
I couldn't think of any unusual qualifications Peter had to offer. Sure he had shown promise in the field of science, but he gave that up. He even dropped out of graduate school to pursue a career in news photography. Somehow, I didn't think anyone would want to hold up a drop-out as unusually qualified in the field of science. And, as Peter was shown teaching a science class in the story, we know he wasn't invited as a special lecturer to the photography club.
I looked further.
NYEdLaw§3008 permits the District Supervisor, the City Supervisor, or such other authority of a city district or other official duly designated by law (which covers about everyone in a school except the athletic equipment manager) to issue teaching certificates as authorized by the New York Education Laws. That's nice. What does it mean? It means read some more statutes to see how these duly designated officials are authorized to issue certificates.
I looked further.
NYEdLaw§3009-b allows hiring non-certified persons as teaching assistants, provided that they act under the general supervision of a certified teacher. NYEdLaw§3001 permits assistant teachers to teach without the supervising teacher actually being present in the room, provided that the supervisor is available at all times and retains supervision of the class.
I had it.
A migraine that is. Maybe you can see why statutory interpretation ranks right up there with severing my toes with dental floss on my list of favorite pastimes. Nothing that requires reconciling and cross-referencing six separate statutes all written in typical, small-print Legislaturese should be undertaken by anyone with a pain threshold lower than G. Gordon Liddy's. Nevertheless, I did have my answer.
Peter could do what he did, if he had been taken on as a temporary teaching assistant. So that's our answer. Peter wasn't hired as a full teacher, he was a temporary teaching assistant. He just misunderstood the parameters of his assignment, and believed he was a full teacher. It's understandable. Pete probably took the phone call from Principal Scott, while Mary Jane was modeling this year's swim wear and playing "Nibble the Earlobe." Under such distraction, I'd forget how to tie loafers.
Of course, it's possible that other statutes would have revealed that Peter could have obtained a temporary certificate. But that would have required my reading other statutes. I had an answer that made the story possible. I did my job. To have read more would have been the act of someone so intellectually impaired that he wondered who was going to win the big fight in Rocky IV.
Anyway, after a thorough investigation I was able to figure out how Peter Parker, graduate school drop-out, could become a temporary teacher in his old high school. I'm afraid, however, that no amount of investigation enabled me to figure out why Web of Spider-Man # 35 also brought back the Living Brain and the Tarantula, two of Spider-Man's lesser antagonists. Some things are simply beyond explanation.
BOB INGERSOLL
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