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THE LAW IS A ASS for 05/28/2002
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 146
Originally written as installment # 130 and published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 744, February 19, 1988 issue
If you're wondering about the Avengers line-up mentioned in this column, all I can tell you is that the Avengers changed their line-ups quite a bit, and they can't all be winners.
If you're wondering about the actual column, itself; what can I tell you? Sometimes it's just fun to be plain old silly.
******
THE LAW IS A ASS
Installment # 146
by
BOB INGERSOLL
They came from their east- and west-coasts branches to meet on their new island headquarters. The Avengers, sixteen of Earth's mightiest heroes, gathered around the meeting table to discuss their current dilemma.
"Wonder Man, stop fidgeting," ordered Hawkeye.
"I can't help it, there's sixteen of us around two card tables. There's not enough room."
"I know that, Simon," Captain Marvel said, "but the guards could only spare us the two tables. It's visiting day, and they need the other tables in the Visitation Room."
The Captain moved that all members who could fly would hover above the table. The motion passed unanimously; which helped the seating problem, but several members got neck strain from having to look up all the time.
Yes, the East Coast and the West Coast Avengers had met to discuss their current dilemma--which happened to be that their new headquarters wasn't Hydro Island, but Ryker's Island prison.
"Methinks this doth be a revolting development! How dideth... how doth... Oh shucketh, how did it happen?"
"Don't be silly, Thor, you know how it happened."
"Aye, but methinks the time be perfect for our numbers to engage in that most time-honored of comic book traditions, telling each other what we already doth know, that our readers might thus be enlightened.
"Be there any takers for the position of Grand Expositor?"
"I'll volunteer," offered Moon Knight. "I know a lot about what's going on, because I talk to Khonshu."
"Gesundheit."
Namor raised a pointed eyebrow in disgust and said, "I move we table the old jokes. The motion passed unanimously.
"We're here because of Iron Man and his 'Stark Wars,' " explained Moon Knight. "A while back Tony Stark, who we all know is secretly Iron Man--"
"Yes, we do know that," Mockingbird said in exasperation. "You don't have to tell us everything we already know to fill in the reader. Get on with it."
"Tony Stark learned that Spymaster had stolen some of his armor technology and sold it to Justin Hammer, the noted international criminal munitions manufacturer."
"The what?" Marrina asked.
"The bad guy. Anyway, Hammer sold the armor technology to various governments and super villains, which explains why the Marvel universe has more armor than a medieval museum. Tony found out that some people were using his technology to rob, pillage, and murder and decided to put an end to it."
Moon Knight stopped.
"Why have you stopped?" Black Knight asked.
"I just figured this was about the time that somebody else chimied in and finished up telling us what we already know, so this boring exposition stuff can be broken up into different speech patterns. Isn't that the way it's usually done?"
"Absolutely right, Moon Knight," Dr. Pym said. "And let me say as a long time hero, it's nice to see you new-comers picking up the conventions so quickly. Well, I guess I'll continue.
"Tony got a computer printout of all the people utilizing his technology complete except for one mysterious glitch, which was foreshadowing if I ever saw it, and started to confiscate and/or deactivate all the other armor based on his design.
"He started out fine. No one cared if he junked people like the Beetle, the Controller, or the Mandroids. Well, the Beetle, the Controller, and the Mandroids cared. But no one cared that they cared. But Iron Man went a little too far. He beat-up on the Stingray only to find Stingray wasn't using his armor. Then he went to the Vault, the super secret government prison where they hold super-villains, to deactivate the Guardsmen. Only he also let five super-villains escape in the process. Finally, he invaded Russia to ace Titanium Man and the Crimson Dynamo and ended up killing Titanium Man in self-defense.
"Now, the state department has branded Iron Man a traitor, he's a criminal wanted by the United States government, and the Russians want him extradited so he can answer to murder charges."
"Does that about cover it?"
"Perfect," said Dr. Druid. "As good a job of telling us what we already know to inform the readers as I've ever slept through."
"Well, I didn't think it was so perfect," Tigra complained. "I mean, I understand why Iron Man is in trouble, but it doesn't explain why we're behind bars."
"The government doesn't think we're doing enough to punish Iron Man." She-Hulk answered.
"Not doing enough?" Tigra protested. "But we kicked Iron Man out of the West Coast Avengers. The Captain, who used to be Captain America and is a man so pure of heart and noble of mind that he lifted Thor's hammer in Thor # 390, gave back the spiffy new shield Iron Man made for him, because he didn't want to be in Iron Man's debt anymore. Why the Captain even told Iron Man he was a bad boy! Captain Marvel, what more do the furshlugginger Feds want?"
"Help."
"Help?"
"Help. The government seems to think that because Iron Man is super powered, and we're super powered, we should help them catch Iron Man."
"But didn't Captain Americ.., er the Captain, try and bring in Iron Man in The Capta..., er Captain America # 341?" asked Stingray.
"I grappled with him for about eight pages, but I wasn't any match for his armor and he got away."
"What did you do then?"
"I figured it wouldn't be 'worthwhile to forego all my other responsibilities in order to bring to justice one renegade avenger on a misguided quest', so I decided, 'it would be far better to give Tony Stark another chance to restore his tarnished honor... and to keep his word to me'."
"His word."
"Well, Tony promised, when he was finished he'd look me up and we'd have a long talk about ethics."
"And that failed to satisfy thy government officials? In truth, I fail to see what more could be expected of even Earth's mightiest heroes. More to the point, I fail to see why we are confined to this dank gaol."
"As I understand it," Captain Marvel explained, "it has something to do with New York Penal Law 195.10, because we have unreasonably failed to or refused to aid a police officer in effecting an arrest or in preventing Iron Man from committing another offense."
"Meanin'?" Hawkeye asked.
"Meaning, my apocopeaing friend, under the law, when the police asked us for help in arresting Iron Man, we couldn't refuse to offer reasonable assistance to them."
"Ya mean, we gotta go out and fight Iron Man? We could get hurt!"
"No, we don't have to do anything that might cause us injury. That isn't a reasonable request by the police for assistance."
"Then I don't understand," Wasp said. "What do the police want us to do that doesn't involve the possible risk of personal injury and is a reasonable request?"
"They want us to reveal Iron Man's real identity."
"Ah, they request that we finketh."
"Yes. And frankly, I'm not sure we don't have the legal obligation to co-operate. This would be easier, if we lived over in the DC universe. They've got a federal law prohibiting people from revealing super-hero secret identities. The best we can do is try to analogize Iron Man's having revealed his secret identity to us to the doctor-patient privilege or a priest-penitent confession. I've got the Avengers' lawyer, Inger Sullivan, working on it.
"Inger Sullivan's also working on getting us out of here. She says Refusing To Aid a Police Officer is only a class B misdemeanor, so we shouldn't really be in jail."
"Inger Sullivan? Haven't I read that name somewhere else?" Wonder Man asked.
"No, you're gettin' her mixed-up with that other guy, the law ass, you know the guy from the newspaper?"
"One moment, Khonshu has asked me to find out, if we really shouldn't be in jail, why we are in jail."
"Contempt of court. Something about making an example out of us," Captain Marvel explained. "The government feels, even if they can't prove we have the legal obligation to reveal Iron Man's secret identity under the law, we still have a moral obligation to do so."
"Great. Sounds like we can use all the legal help we can get. Matt Murdoch's been disbarred, any chance we can get that newspaper guy ta help."
"I don't think so, Hawkeye," She-Hulk answered. "He's out of town."
"Outta town? Why?"
"I'm not sure. As a fellow member of the bar, I called and left a message on his machine that The Avengers need his legal assistance, but he must not have received it. Last I heard he had gone to England looking for his newest clients, someone named Steed and Mrs. Peel."
******
BOB INGERSOLL, Cleveland public defender; comic book collector; and that other guy, you know the one from the newspaper, needs your help. I'm looking for the Avengers, because I've just learnedthey need my help, but I don't know where to find them. I mean, I've scoured England looking for The Avengers and they're no where to be found. But I figured I'd hang around a place where one of them was sure to show up eventually.
Do any of you know where they sell black leather jumpsuits?
Bob Ingersoll
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