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THE LAW IS A ASS for 06/04/2002
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 147
Originally written as installment # 131 and published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 346, March 4, 1988 issue
It's a standard cliche in comics--hell in allfiction--that the villain gloats. Once the bad guy gets the good guy into that untenable and supposedly fatal situation, the villain gloats and tells the hero his or her entire plan, figuring the hero will be dead anyway, so won't be able to do anything with the information. Invariably, the hero doesn't die--usually, because while gloating the bad guys tells the hero everything he or she needs to know to defeat the villain, including how to escape from the inescapable death trap.
This trend doesn't cause as many problems for the writers of, say, the James Bond movies. The bad guys in those movies are usually dead at the end of the movies, so it doesn't matter what happens to them. No convenient plot contrivance is needed to keep them free for the next installment of their epic battle with the hero. The same is not true in comic books. Sometimes the villains appear to die at the end of the story, only to reappear miraculously not dead in a future issue. Other times the villains simply capture. It's for these villains that the worst contrivances must be employed. After all, how can Luthor--who, in case you haven't guessed, is the super-villain subject matter of this week's column--continue to be a respected business man (and not the President) if he's made such a full confession to Superman, that his ultimate conviction is a virtual slam dunk? He can't. So a plot contrivance which prevents Superman from testifying about said Luthor confession must be shoe horned into the story.
Sometimes, those plot contrivances are actually quite accurate. Other times, they're about as accurate as a sundial in an eclipse. The column which follows is one of those "sundial" contrivances.
And what does all this teach us? I don't know about you, but what I've learned is this: If I ever become a super-villain, I'm seriously considering having my voice box surgically removed. As I'll be unable to talk, thus gloat, I'll be unbeatable.
******
THE LAW IS A ASS
Installment # 147
by
BOB INGERSOLL
Today we have an entry from the "I'm Sorry, Would You Run That By Me Again?" Department.
In Action Comics # 599, Lex Luthor--in his latest attempt to kill Superman--acquires Tin of the Metal Men, examines Tin, discovers Tin isn't made of metal but of a special metal-emulating polymer which reacts with the Metal Men's Responsometers to duplicate the properties of the metal they are designed to be. (Which, come to think of it, explains why--given the current fixing prices of gold, silver and platinum--Metal Men creator, Dr. Will Magnus, didn't melt these robots down for their salvage value years ago.) Luthor modifies Tin's Responsometer so that it will emulate Kryptonite, and converts Tin into a Kryptonoid Man.
Luthor then tricks Superman into breaking into one of the labs in the Lexcorp Industrial Park, where he exposes Superman to the Kryptonoid Man. Luthor does this by having one of his employees, Miss Markham who has, "the finest lungs in Lexcorp," scream as if she were in trouble. Superman's super hearing hears (what else is it going to do?) a damsel in distress and Superman responds by breaking into the lab to see what's the matter. (Superman has to do that, you know? It's in the by-laws for the multi-versal super-hero corporation, Four Color, Inc: "All super-heroes upon hearing the scream of a damsel in distress must immediately break into whatever building said damsel is in, in the most dramatic and destructive manner possible.")
While Superman is held captive by the Kryptonoid Man, Luthor tells Superman that he discovered how to build the Kryptonoid Man out of Tin, that he personally modified Tin's Responsometer--including reprogramming the personality core to by-pass Tin's inhibition against killing, that he built the Kryptonoid Man specifically to kill Superman. And not content with this potentially-incriminating revelation, Luthor then proceeded to tell Superman what he did with the rest of the Metal Men, and all the other information Superman needed to defeat the Kryptonoid Man. Luthor had to do that. The by-laws of the multi-versal super-villain corporation, Rotten To Thee, Corp. state: "All super-villains, upon capturing the super-hero and rendering him or her helpless must reveal to said hero all the information that said hero will require to defeat said villain and foil his or her plans."
Superman escapes the Kryptonoid Man, because, while its radiation does hurt like real Kryptonite radiation, it's radiation was, for some reason which was never fully explained, neither lethal nor power sapping like real Kryptonite radiation. (So much for Dr. Magnus's remarkable metal-emulating polymer which duplicates the properties of the metals it is designed to emulate. The government should have rejected the patent.) Superman uses the information given him by Luthor to defeat the Kryptonoid Man and to free the Metal Men. He takes the Metal Men back to Dr. Magnus, so he can restore them to normal, or as close to normal as the Metal Men ever get.
The Metal Men want to capture Luthor and bring him to trial, which seemed like a good idea to me. But Superman and Dr. Magnus stop them. Dr. Magnus can't shield the Metal Men's Responsometers from Luthor's broadcast interference without major restructuring, so they would be worthless in the fight. Superman points out that they don't have any evidence against Luthor, because the robotic Metal Men can't testify in court. Superman goes on to say, "And [here it comes, gang] since Luthor tricked me into breaking into his lab, my testimony would be worthless, as well."
I'm sorry, would you run that by me again?
Superman knows that Luthor lured him into the lab, by having Miss Markham scream. Superman knows that Luthor personally converted Tin's Responsometer so that it would emulate Kryptonite. Superman also knows that Luthor did all this, so that he could kill Superman with the Kryptonoid Man. Superman knows all this, because Luthor told him all this. In other words, Superman knows from Luthor's other words, that Luthor attempted to murder him.
According to Superman # 16 attempted murder is a capital offense in Metropolis. So why wasn't Luthor arrested and charged with a capital offense? Because Superman is an idiot and didn't tell anybody about what happened out of some dumb belief that his testimony would be worthless as he was tricked into breaking into Luthor's lab.
Kal--can I call you Kal?--next time this happens, don't keep it to yourself, okay? Talk to the District Attorney about it, let him decide if you've got a case. Really, Kal, you've got to do this. The District Attorney knows the law. You--if your nitwit theory about your testimony being worthless, because you were tricked into breaking into Luthor's lab is any indication--don't.
In other words, Kal, your testimony would be perfectly admissible against Luthor and should have been sufficient to convict Luthor of attempted murder.
I know, I know. About a year-and-a-half ago, I said Luthor's confession to Superman in Superman # 2 wouldn't be admissible, because Superman, a special deputy of the Metropolis Police Department, illegally broke into Luthor's office. Therefore, I concluded, Luthor's confession was the inadmissible fruit of Superman's illegal entry and search.
That time it was inadmissible. This time it's different.
The United States Constitution doesn't forbid all warrantless entries and searches, only unreasonable ones. If an entry or a search is reasonable, then what was found during the search is fully admissible, even though it was made without a warrant. The United States Supreme Court has set out an entire panoply of searches which are reasonable, notwithstanding the fact that they are also warrantless.
Foremost--foremost for our purposes, anyway--among these reasonable, but warrantless, searches is the search based on exigent circumstances. According to the Supreme Court--and they should know, they make the rules--if some circumstance which requires immediate action--what the court calls an exigent circumstance--exists, then the police's warrantless search is still reasonable. The police are allowed to act upon this exigent circumstance rather than go back to court, get an warrant and find, when they get return to the scene of the exigency, that the circumstance has played itself out, usually badly. If, for example, the police are chasing a fleeing felon and he runs into a building, the police may enter it after him, without first securing a warrant and allowing said felon to escape while they were gone.
One of the several exigencies which the Supreme Court has adopted is of particular applicability to our discussion today. Honest it is. I wouldn't have mentioned it, if it wasn't applicable to today's discussion. I may pad these columns, but I'm not that obvious about it. Anyway, the exigency I'm talking about is this: if the police reasonably believe they must enter a building without a warrant to save a life, then their warrantless entry is not unreasonable. For example, say the police enter a burning building in response to a screaming woman. That would be both an exigent circumstance and a reasonable entry. Anything seen in plain view and seized during such an entry will not suppressed at trial, because the initial entry was reasonable.
Superman reasonably believed that he had to enter Luthor's lab to save a life. That's what Luthor wanted Superman to believe; that's why he had Miss Markham screaming with those fine lungs of hers; that's how Luthor tricked Superman into coming into range of the Kryptonoid Man in the first place. But, if Superman reasonably believed that someone's life was in jeopardy inside the lab, then his warrantless entry into the lab was made with exigent circumstances and was reasonable under the Constitution. Therefore, anything Superman found or learned during this constitutionally permissible search--including Luthor's complete confession and the physical fact that there was a Kryptonoid Man--is fully admissible in a court of law. Superman's theory that his testimony would be worthless, because he was tricked into breaking into the lab is worth about as much as a mint copy of Brother Power, the Geek # 2.
Superman is a duly deputized member of the Metropolis Police Force. Didn't they give him a course in police procedure? I mean, I know when the Supreme Court created the "Good Faith" Exception to the Exclusionary Rule, civil libertarians feared that the police decline to teach their ranks everything they should know. That way they could, in good faith, claim they didn't know about a certain legal principle that forbad certain actions and escape the rigors of the Exclusionary Rule on the theory they weren't taught it. I know that was the theory, I didn't believe it would be worse in practice. I didn't know the police would not only not tell their ranks what they couldn't do but wouldn't tell them what they could do as well.
Bob Ingersoll
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