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THE LAW IS A ASS for 10/08/2002
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 165
Originally written as installment # 147 and published in Comics Buyer's Guide issue # 778, October 14, 1988 issue
I'd do this to myself on occasion; "this" being the process I describe in the opening paragraphs of the column which is incorporated herein by reference. I'd fall behind in writing them, wait for some government holiday, like Martin Luther King Day or President's Day or Graft Day, and write about five or six columns in that day off. It was more grueling than Oliver Twist's noonday meal. Night time meal too.
I won't be doing that anytime soon. As I write these words, we've got one of those government holidays coming up, Columbus Day is Monday October 14. But as I turn 50 on Sunday October 13, I won't be in the mood for marathon writing on Monday. In fact, I wont' be in the mood for much of anything.
Except crying.
******
THE LAW IS A ASS
Installment # 165
by
BOB INGERSOLL
Okay, I admit it! I've been derelict in my duties. Instead of writing my column regularly, I've been devoting my time to unimportant Public Defender things like defending the public. As a result, "The Law Is a Ass" has been appearing with all the frequency of Ms. Mystic. So sue me!. (Really, go ahead. Public Defenders have a low rate of victories; it would be nice to have a lawsuit I thought I could win.)
Of course, it's all well and good to admit dereliction of duty. The question is what am I going to do about it?
Well, as I write these words, it's Labor Day, 1988. Like all governmental employees, I have today off. (One of the few fringe benefits of working for the government. Lord knows, for the few of us not involved in some scandal, it certainly isn't the pay!) I have, however, at least six column topics I can write sitting on my "To Do Pile." I'm going to write as many of these as I can today and then write a few more during the rest of the week. I'll either get caught up or committed.
#
Let's start with the mail. No sooner did I finally get around to doing a column or two in which I answered the "Law Is a Ass" mail that's been sitting around for weeks, then I got another huge package from Don and Maggie. (My postman has thanked me several times for the fact that last year, I installed the industrial-sized mailbox outside my house. This thing is so big, I needed a building permit, before I could put it up.) This time, however, I didn't even have a chance to answer the last batch of mail, before Don and Maggie sent me the latest batch.
I've got rhythm. I've got music. I've got mail. I've got about two or three columns worth of mail which I'm going to pull out of the pile more or less at random to answer, and I better get started.
Our first letter comes from Thom Zahler of Timberlake, Ohio, who wrote to tell me I was wrong in a recent column in which I opined that there must not be any prisons in the DC Universe, which is why so few non-super powered persons who should be in a DC prison are in a DC prison. He pointed out a few prisons. He also told me, he owed me this correction, because of a few Wesley Crusher jokes. (Thom's a friend of mine, and he bears this unnerving resemblance to Wesley Crusher from Star Trek: The Next Generation; a fact I've reminded him of on more than one occasion.)
I was being factious, Thom. But, because of the Wesley jokes, I'll give you this shot at me.
Thom says there's a prison on Oa. Doesn't count, Thom. Oa's another planet in another galaxy. The Quad cities aren't exactly going to shuttle the punks that Wilddog captures to Oa, now are they?
Same problem with Thom's second prison: Labyrinth, the prison planet from Legion of Super Heroes. Not only is Labyrinth out in space, it's also one thousand years in the future. Earth would need a shuttle that travels in space and time to use this prison. (Do you think the Tardis is available for charters?)
Thom argued that Belle Reve counted. It doesn't. I specifically limited my column to prisons for non-super powered persons. Belle Reve has none of those. (I'd alert the ACLU to this blatant discrimination, but in this election year, I don't want to be labeled with the "L-word".)
Thom did point out Gotham City Prison and Strykers Island Prison, which, despite the fact that we've never seen any prisoners without super powers there, I'll assume houses ordinary prisoners. You got me, Thom. You win. You've avenged the Wesley jokes.
(Hey, Thom, how many Wesleys does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he can only do it, when it will save the Enterprise.)
Carl McCaskey of Monticello, Florida wrote to ask if I was familiar with the crime comic ordinances--such as the one from Gulfport, Mississippi, which he enclosed--making it illegal to publish, distribute, sell or display comic books which, "depict scenes of violence, crime, savagery, torture, lust or horror, or depict characters in lewd, immoral or suggestive poses or situations or improperly or indecently clothed." Carl included a list of at least sixty comics which could classify and admits there could be more. Actually a lot more classify, Carl. Virtually every comic, including several from Gladstone, Harvey, and Archie, have scenes of violence or crime.
I'm not too worried about these ordinances, however. Most have been on the books since the Wertham days of the fifties and haven't been enforced since then. Due process of law demands that criminal laws be enforced uniformly and not sporadically. The fact that these ordinances haven't been enforced since the fifties, might make them unenforceable now. They are also, as Carl pointed out in his letter, outdated and vague and, quite likely, unconstitutional infringements of the First Amendment.
Personally, however, I think the matter is moot. We're all upstanding, moral individuals. Certainly none of us want to read comic books that, "depict scenes of violence, crime, savagery, torture, lust or horror, or depict characters in lewd, immoral or suggestive poses or situations or improperly or indecently clothed," do we?
Steve Getman from Ovid, New York responded to a column I wrote about Action # 599, in which Luthor wanted to expose Superman to the Kryptonoid Man. Luthor tricked Superman into breaking into his lab by having an employee, Miss Markham, scream as if she were in danger. Superman, thinking someone was in danger, broke in and encountered the K Man. Later in the story, Superman decided his testimony was no good and didn't arrest Luthor for attempted murder. I chided Superman for his illogical decision.
I pointed out that, as Superman believed a life was in danger, exigent circumstances existed for his entry into Luthor's lab. Therefore, the entry wasn't illegal under the Fourth Amendment and anything Superman saw or heard in the lab--including the attempt on his life and Luthor's full confession--was fully admissible.
Steve wondered if it would be difficult for Superman to prove that exigent circumstances existed and justified what would, otherwise, have been an illegal entry. After all, it would have been Superman's word against Luthor's?
Yes, it would have, but that's true most of the time the police have to prove exigent circumstances. A cop says he saw the defendant make a furtive gesture and might have been hiding a gun or evidence which gives him probable cause to search. The defendant says he didn't make a furtive gesture. It comes down to the cop's word against the defendant's. Judges usually believe the cops; especially when the defendant is trying to suppress some other evidence which supports the cop's belief and proves the defendant guilty of a crime. As upright and outstanding a citizen as Luthor appears to be, Superman is equally as upright and outstanding. His word is as good as Luthor's. So, in a situation where Luthor is trying to suppress evidence proving he tried to kill Superman--like a full confession--the judge would likely find in favor of Superman.
Moreover, who said it would be Superman's word against Luthor's? Once the DA indicted Miss Markham as an aider and abettor to attempted murder, I don't think her loyalty to Luthor would have been so great that she would have turned down immunity in return for turning state's evidence.
I do agree with Steve, that Superman should have arrested Luthor immediately, instead of rushing the Metal Men off to Doc Magnus for their 1,375th restoration and giving Luthor all that time to hide whatever evidence existed--an idiotic mistake that no rookie cop would make. They claim that Superman is a duly deputized member of the Metropolis police? Is that just an honorary title, or did Superman actually take the requisite number of law enforcement classes? If he did, it's a cinch he didn't make Dean's List.
A certain Mr. C. S. of Camillus, New York (name withheld at my discretion) informed me that he sent Stan Lee a letter on June 8, 1987 suggesting they publish a comic, "based on the PUNISHER'S war journal. The comic should show his whole life from the time he started the journal to the present." He felt that the new The Punisher War Journal comic was derived from his letter and asked if he had any claim to credit for the book.
No. The title for the comic wasn't really derived from your letter, it was derived from Don Pendleton's The Executioner series. The Punisher, like the Executioner, keeps a diary of his adventures which he calls his War Journal. This was established in the Punisher's very first appearance. Obviously, a second Punisher title couldn't be called The Punisher, it needed a distinct title. The Punisher War Journal is so much derived from the Punisher's own mythos it was the obvious choice for a second Punisher title--much better than, say, The Mutant Misadventures of the Punisher. You'll never be able to convince anyone that Marvel derived the title from your letter and not the Punisher's mythos, itself.
Sorry.
Thomas Galloway, who wrote from someplace in Switzerland--his address is full of those esoteric little abbreviations that European addresses always have and I can't begin to decipher--responded to the column I did awhile back, when I figured out how Peter Parker could have been a substitute teacher in New York legally, considering he has no teaching certificate. Tom suggested a couple of others. One had to do with Peter's scientific expertise qualifying him under the statutory exception of, "unusual qualifications in a specific field." The other had to do with the fact that substitute teachers are cheaper to pay than regular teachers coupled with the present fiscal status of the New York schools. I won't dispute either.
Tom also remembered a line from the Spider-Man comic when Spidey dropped out of college. In the story, Spidey thought, "Gee, if I really cracked down, I could get the Ph.D. in one more year." Considering that Spidey had been in grad school at most one year, Marvel time, Tom felt this line showed the writer had never bothered to research the requirements for a Ph.D. Probably not, Tom. This column is dedicated to the proposition that many comic writers don't read law books, why should they read college admissions catalogues?
It's 2:35 p.m. Countdown so far: one article, one column. Next I plan to write another mail column. Then for a change of pace, I'll do a column about The Green Lantern Special # 1.
How do I get myself into these things?
Bob Ingersoll
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