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THE LAW IS A ASS for 10/15/2002
DOCKET ENTRY
"The Law is a Ass" Installment # 166
Originally written as installment # 148 and published in Comics Buyer' s Guide issue # 779, October 21, 1988 issue
I should write something here. I mean, these docket entries are where I give you the behind the scenes information on how I came to write each installment. Is it my fault that this week, I can't get more behind the scenes than, "I received mail. I answered mail?"
Still I should write something here.
Something.
Aw come on, who didn't see that one coming?
******
THE LAW IS A ASS
Installment # 166
by
BOB INGERSOLL
Several hours ago, I began a lunatic plan to write one news article and at least three columns today, Labor Day, 1988. Last column, I said I was doing this, because I didn't have to work today. I was mistaken. Tomorrow, when I go back to just defending the public in Cleveland, it' s going to seem like a vacation. Oh well, I shouldn't complain. At least, this year, I haven't seen any of the Jerry Lewis telethon.
Anyway, this is the second column I' ve written today and the second of two in a row answering your accumulated fan mail. Let us go then, you and I...
First of all, I want thank Batton Lash for the original Wolff and Byrd sketch he sent me. (I meant what I said about the Wolff & Byrd book, go buy it if you haven't already.) The sketch is going to go up on my wall next to an original Will Eisner sketch, so it will be in good company.
Randy Freeman from Riverside, California asked me why the Kansas City police shot at a man whose only observed criminal behavior was a case of assault in Doom Patrol # 7. Randy was afraid that in Kansas City, you could get shot for walking on the grass. The question of when the police can use deadly force to apprehend a fleeing felon is a tricky one that depends on a case-by-case analysis and does not have a definite answer, so I' m going to cop out and not give one.
However, let' s give the KC cops the benefit of the doubt. Seeing as the felon in question was the metal-skinned Shrapnel, whose body is coated with metal which he can shoot off of himself at will, let' s assume the police saw the man was both armor plated and armed with a dangerous weapon and figured shooting was the only way to stop him.
Oh, and Randy, I wouldn't worry about the walking on the grass question. They only execute you for that on this obscure pleasure planet shown in the "Justice" episode of Star Trek the Next Generation--a planet that will forever be held in scorn by Trek fans everywhere. Not because they have such a strict code of justice but, because they had the chance to execute Wesley Crusher for exactly that crime and didn' t.
Edward McArdle of Ivanhoe, Vic 3079, Australia wrote that he recently bought a comic which he felt was pornographic. His complaint was that the book did not indicate that it might be offensive to him. He felt that books should advertise that they might be offensive. This gets us back into the question of labeling and ratings systems, to which I am adamantly opposed. I can only suggest, in the future, that Edward quickly browse through the book to see if it contains something that might be offensive to him or ask the store clerk for the same information. If, in a worst case scenario, he should buy the book and finds it offensive, I suggest that he stop reading it, return it to the store explaining the circumstances, and ask for a refund.
Maybe not the best solutions possible. Still they are better than the neolithic practice of censorship or a ratings system.
While we' re on the subject of censorship, a quick thank you to Howard Wornom of Hampton, Virginia, who wrote to tell me the Virginia Supreme Court heard the American Booksellers case in June. Their decision is due out soon, if it hasn't come out already, and I hope to get a copy of it, so I can follow up on the case.
Sam Catelin (Sorry if I misspelled your name, Sam) asked me why I referred to Superman as a deputized member of the Metropolis Police, when I wrote my column about Action # 599. He agreed that the mayor deputized Superman in Man of Steel # 4, but thought that was for a special occasion. All I know is that in Superman # 1 (the Byrne version) Superman calls himself a special operative of the Metropolis Police. Apparently the appointment stuck.
Sam also wondered how a duly deputized member of the Metropolis Police could have acted in Action # 599, as the story takes place in Bakerline. First, maybe Bakerline is the name of a neighborhood in Metropolis, so falls within city limits. Second, even if Bakerline is a suburb of Metropolis--or, at least, in the same state--Superman' s deputy status probably includes the full arrest power of the police, which makes the answer easy. Police officers have the authority to arrest persons they see committing a crime, even if they are off duty or out of their jurisdiction. As Superman saw Lex Luthor committing a crime, the attempted murder of Superman, he would have had the power to arrest Lex. Even if Superman didn't have the full arrest power, he could still have made a citizen' s arrest.
Patrick O' Connor of Hinsdale, New Hampshire sent a letter with four questions. I' ve already answered the two questions about Batman # 422. I' ve already written a column about how I thought X-Factor' s earliest activities violated several laws. I haven't done a column explaining how X-Factor' s newest headquarters, the alien space ship hovering over New York City, isn't in violation of federal aviation rules because it isn't registered. I can only assume that either it is registered and we just haven't seen the registration number, or that X-Factor has obtained some special waiver from the FAA. It' s either that or assume that the FAA hasn't noticed this huge hunk of metal which is hovering over Manhattan. (Although, given the way that the Reagan administration has cut back on the regulatory powers of the federal government, maybe that last answer isn't so far fetched, after all.)
Andrew Chils (again, if I' ve misspelled your name, I apologize) of somewhere in Ontario wanted to know why the legal mistakes I find bother me so much. He is a historian and finds several historical mistakes in movies he watches. But he doesn't think the movies were made any less entertaining by the mistakes --mistakes the general public doesn't even realize are mistakes, in the first place--so is willing to forgive them. I think you' re asking the wrong question, Andrew. You shouldn't be asking if the stories were less entertaining, because they had mistakes; you should ask, would they have been less entertaining if the writer had done his research properly and made them accurate.
A good writer can make something which is researched and accurate every bit as entertaining as something he makes up as he goes along and is completely inaccurate. That being the case, why should you accept historical inaccuracies, or I legal mistakes, which could have been avoided at no loss to the readers who don't know the difference and which make the stories less enjoyable to us? We shouldn't. That is why I write the column.
Okay, that plus the money.
To Johnny Lowe of Burbank, California, when I referred to Reverend Wildmon and his ilk down in, "their decidedly red neck of the woods," I wasn't South-bashing. I wasn't lumping the whole state of Mississippi or the entire South, for that matter, in with Reverend Wildmon or assuming that everyone shared his views. The rednecks, to whom I referred in that, admittedly, less than clear pun, were Reverend Wildmon and his followers. I apologize for the confusion.
I do not apologize for the pejorative nickname, however. I find what Reverend Wildmon is trying to do reprehensible and I feel he deserves all the pejoratives he gets.
Three people wrote to me about my question of how Conan could have been in the sixteenth winter of his youth but in his seventeenth year. Fred Murphy of Lancaster, Ohio suggested that the extra year comes from the time Conan spent in utero. Sorry, Fred, I can't accept that. Common convention dictates that we do not start counting how many years old a person is, until after he is born and exits the womb.
Both Fred and another person, whose letter I lost so I can't remember his name (I apologize profusely for that to whoever you are--I do remember your letter, though) suggested that during Conan' s first year of life he was an infant not a youth. Thus, he could have seen seventeen years but only sixteen of them in his youth. I don't buy that one, either. It requires the word youth to take on a definition which was not intended by Mr. Webster (although why we' ve made a diminutive black kid living with a former football player the definitive authority on words, I' ll never know.)
Leonard Sperduto of Pennsauken, New Jersey, who is five courses short of his BS in mathematics proved it was impossible for Conan to have seen seventeen years and only sixteen winters. He pointed out that a person will see his first winter sometime before his first birthday and will see his second winter sometime between his first and second birthdays. The progression continues in the same way. Thus, if a person' s age is represented by the letter A, the number of winters he will have seen is A + 1. If Conan was really seventeen, he should have seen seventeen plus one, or eighteen, winters. Leonard thinks the writer confused the equation to Winters + 1 equals age and that' s why he made the mistake. I just think the writer was careless and forgot what he had written five pages earlier.
Back to our other contestants. Fred wanted to know how Superman' s fiftieth birthday could have been February 29, 1988, when 1938 wasn't a leap year so didn't have a February 29th. I don't know, Fred. Someone from DC picked the date February 29th years ago.
The person whose letter I lost wanted to know why I was still reading Conan. As I can't really use Hyborean Age law in my column, I don't read Conan for column fodder. He wondered if the book had gotten good again. Just between you and me (and several thousand readers); it hasn't. Why do I still read it? Inertia.
It' s 5:15 p.m. The countdown is one article and two columns. And I press onward. For, I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.
And miles to go before I sleep.
******
BOB INGERSOLL, who writes these words on his day off as a public defender in Cleveland, Ohio so that he can continue to be the legal analyst for CBG, hopes you were paying attention. I quoted both T. S. Eliot and Robert Frost in the same column. That' s got a degree of difficulty of 3. 0 and should score a perfect 10 for literary pretentiousness.
What? Only a 9. 3? Russian judge. I should have quoted Tolstoy.
Bob Ingersoll
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